Whitelight - Wow! You know your post really makes complete sense to me. I really think you hit the nail on the head. Especially about minimizing everything good and maximizing everything bad, and then vice versa with the OM. I definitely do that. I also know that we both have major issues...and that it must have been really hard for him to go from being the big man on campus in our R when we first met to watching me go up a corporate ladder and surpass him from a career standpoint. I really know that must be hard especially because a lot of his friends have also become VERY successful with wives who don't work at all. I have NEVER criticized him for this, but I know it must affect him. And on the other hand, the things that I get the most hurt over are being criticized by people like his mother because I don't have time to be really domestic around the house - for years his mother has made me feel like a horrible mother because I don't bake pies and cook huge meals everynight...she will say things about this in front of the whole family and he has never stuck up for me. So that is one of MY issues, which is one of the reasons behind what I said about the cookies because lately my husband has become fanatical about cooking pies, cookies, meal like his mother...and I feel like it's an unconscious statement that he wishes I were more like his mother...(yes, MY issue...) He always tells everyone about how much he does around the house but he never explains that it's because he works from home and I work full-time and travel a lot. I think he works really hard to try to impress people about himself. And I never say anything to anyone about my job or anything, I am very quiet about all of that.
Anyways...couple of new things. I am really involved in a couple of really exciting life-changing things for myself that are giving me a whole new network of women to be around who are really positive. And I'm thinking about some career changes and working on some new projects. So there is so much exciting going on in my life that is really making me happy and feeling more fulfilled on a personal level.
I think this is why I was meant to meet the OM - truly - because it was him that made me feel special as a women in the first place...I mean a WOMAN (attractive, strong, sexual) which can equate to physical/active as well. Before I met him I was lost inside trapped between the little teenage girl that I was when I met my husband and the MOTHER/MATRON image - I never GOT to be that independent sexy woman - my life skipped that whole stage.
And the OM introduced me (through our conversations) to a lot of outdoor activities that he does with his family/wife/friends that sounded like a lot of fun and I decided to try them and ended up loving/passionate about - funny thing is my H has no idea that we wouldn't even be doing all of that if the OM hadn't given me the idea...This has even opened up a whole new social circle for me/my husband/family.
So the new activities/projects I'm involved with now really would not even be in the realm of possibility if I hadn't met the OM. And...as far as the OM is concerned...I think that he sort of served his purpose in my life. Really...he opened me up physically, mentally, emotionally to a lot - and I am not as dependent on him as I was 3-4 years ago. In the last 6 months or so, it really has tapered off and I think I really can let him go. He will always hold a special place in my heart and I will NEVER regret having met him.
Okay, enough of that...So...how to move forward??? That's what is so hard for me. How do I start maximizing the good in my husband when I see nothing now? And how to I start minimizing all the bad?? I don't know how to do it. I like the journal idea but I don't even know how to pick small things that I want to change. Everything just seems so big and overwhelming. I don't even know where to begin. And it seems like everything I would like to change involves changing my H and I thought we can't change people?
Okay...here's one...I would like him to at least notice how I look instead of looking through me or only noticing when it's something to make fun of. I leave for work everyday looking very nice, put together...and he barely looks my way and never says a thing. If we go out together and I'm all dressed up he hardly EVER says anything. Although he will LAUGH at me if I look funny for some reason. And on the rare occasion that he does say something it is always the identical thing "You look nice."
Here's another one...I would like him to treat me with more respect. Such as not walking 10 feet in front of me, not letting doors slam in my face, not starting the car before he even unlocks my side of the door, not starting eating before I've even sat down, etc....
These are just everyday basics that he's never been able to change...how do I even get him to realize that these things make me feel very slighted and taken for granted. I have mentioned these simple things time and time again for 20 years and it's never improved and I've just completely given up. I feel like if he doesn't care enough to make these kind of changes, how could we ever get to the point of intimate conversations and sharing?
