Tam...I would suggest to the therapist that you are seeing that for right now you DON'T want to focus on your relationship at all...just on YOU...this might change how she approaches things too and in my humble opinion you are in no condition to try putting a marriage back together until you are back together so why put the cart before the horse???
Secondly I do agree with most all that the DB coach said...you are still chasing....and in my humble opinion again you need to stop the focus from getting him to back to "being able to be his friend"...not that that is what you want forever but the best relationships are founded on solid friendships...you have lost being his friend...you have lost being your own friend...
I also agree with the comments on ML...I think at this point you have proven your willingness to work on those issues but it isn't what he wants...I sort of think again he is doing it because he thinks this is what you want him to do and he doesn't want to deal with your emotions if he rejects you...even if he initiates he maybe doing out of obligation...and really Tam...you don't want that...you want to ML not have sex...
my challenge is in finding the strength to do what needs to be done and losing my fear that by letting go I'm going to lose him.
Remember if you let something go and it returns...it is yours to keep...if you force something to stay that doesn't want to...you kill it....does that help in your reasoning???...basically by NOT letting go you WILL LOSE HIM...
You are doing great with GAL...and that is so important to YOU but also for HIM TO SEE...like your trip to Vegas...don't tell him where your going...just tell him of your vacation days you will be taking...when he asks then say proudly "I am giving myself a vacation! I'll bring you something back if your good." ...Then giggle as you walk out to your car...
14.) I told Jody that I thought if OW was just out of the picture that H would be willing to invest his heart back into us. She said no, that it would be someone else if it wasn't her. Just as Lin said, it's NOT the OW, it's ME. I've got to make him want to be with me, not worry that he wants to be with someone else right now.
So right here you can see where you can just stop obsessing about what he is doing and where...it really doesn't matter because "they" are not the problem...and you can't "make" someone want you...but you can attract them...but again, don't make that your focus because then you won't be yourself...
He seems to ALWAYS keep asking me what I think or want - I'm not sure why. Maybe he doesn't want to say his opinion first only to have me have a different option and beat him up with trying to change his mind??? Anyway, I asked him what his thoughts were on it (but Jody said to not keep asking him his feelings...).
First, this is not "asking him his feelings" that Jody was referring to...this is talking business...when you start asking him about how he feels about you, a future with you, about OW, about where he sleeps, about when he is coming home...that is talking about HIS FEELINGS...and yes, I tend to think he probably feels more comfortable asking you what you think first instead of presenting his thoughts first in order to avoid conflict....tell him your tired and ask what he thinks or better yet tell him you trust his opinion on the matter!!!
Is there something I need to work into my efforts that include this person somehow?
PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T GO THERE!!!!...I don't care what he said this will backfire...it is best NOT to have anyone that is close to H...or even knows him....for your confidant...this could prove embarassing for H later on and maybe at "that" time he felt it was okay...but now might be a different story...and MAYBE he was hoping to get you to not focus on him and drive this guy crazy with your questioning...thus "proving his point" to others that he is justified in doing this...IT IS NEVER A GOOD IDEA TO INVOLVE OTHERS IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS.....SO PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE drop this idea...and just enjoy the "natural" effect this person has on him....and hope it isn't because H thinks he knows all
I also think a good goal for you right now would be to mark the calendar with a date for 6 months...then promise yourself that you will not discuss disolving the business or splitting the business with H at all during this time....the only exception would be if he requests it on his own....I don't think you are going to gain any points if it comes to this by forcing the issue for him to sell all his properties because of your feelings about him sharing your dream with someone else...and I don't think a judge would buy it either...
Also...I am curious...you talk about H, H's parents...but do you have family???...brothers, sisters, parents....and are you close with them?
And Tam...I share my experiences with you (and others) not for you to feel sorry for me but so you can see that I do speak from where you are....and that I did make it...and that I am a better person now...yes the pain was bad and I hurt...but I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me...all of those aweful things have brought about changes in me that might never have happened and I could have gone through life without knowing there was a better side to me that I wasn't exploring...
Take care....and please take things slow, easy, and with patience...
