I took a day off from work. H home, too (which is why I took off). Hopefully we can have a fun day together! I am trying to make him understand that I feel we need some time together alone. I believe we have only had 2 real dates with just the two of us since September (when he decided he didn't want a divorce after all). I believe once I feel we are more "fixed" then interactions with other people should be much easier.
I just plan to have a relaxed day together.....no serious R talks.
Basically had a good day with H. Then this evening H mumbled something about going out for a beer. I asked for him to repeat it....wasn't sure if he wanted to go out for a beer alone or if he was inviting me out. We did go out. While we were out he had a text from the friend I have been upset about. Just now we had a conversation about why that friendship upset me.
I needed the duct tape when I asked him to repeat the question. He thought I was being critical about HOW he asked me out and why should he have to watch every word he said. I explained that there were times we needed to clarify conversations so we didn't have a misunderstanding. If he had explained earlier about the benefits of the friendship I don't think I would have been as jealous. I can't explain all the reasons I am jealous because he would know I have been snooping (checking phone calls mainly).
Right now I'm not sure our R will ever be right. H doesn't want to work on our communication skills, doesn't want to change his pattern with friends, doesn't want to have to explain where he's going or who he will be with... even though he knows I'm more sensitive due to his recent affair.
Am I crazy to expect improved communication????? Matilda
No...but what did he say when he decided he didn't want a D? I'm not up on the details your situation, so sorry if this is redundant, but was he in MLC? If so, is he really out? It's odd that he's so sensitive when the issue was mumbling. How did you handle that piece--were you defensive at all when he reacted?
It sounds like you still need to be gentle but firm with him and do a lot of GAL. Michelle says that when the WAS comes back, dbe careful not to smother and show a lot of excitement--it's too overwhelming for them and pushes them away again.
...but what did he say when he decided he didn't want a D?
Basically H said something like, "why should I try to fit into a new family when I already have a good family?"
He never would talk about the end of that R. Maybe he isn't over her although he said he is. Today should be interesting. He is going to drum corps practice. XOW will likely be there.
Had a long talk with BIL yesterday and he made me feel better. He stated that H is secretive with him, too. This "new friend" is a long time friend of BIL's. He actually apoligized to me for introducing them! He told me she is truly in love with someone, but they can't be seen in public because her xh and boyfriend work together and xh has control over his retirement. ????? BIL does not feel "new friend" is interested in H as anything more than a friend. However, he told them both they shouldn't be alone together.
Meanwhile, tonight we're going out to dinner with the same group I have been talking about (plus 4-5 more). I have decided to lower my expectations about H and just have a good time!!!
I'm lousy at the GALing! BYW I passed my boating class
"I have decided to lower my expectations about H and just have a good time!!!"
This sounds great!! And congratulations on passing the boating class!
Do you think that BIL could tell this "friend" that she is making an uncomfortable situation worse? I don't know what the right words are, but it seems to me that someone who has a boyfriend doesn't need to be hanging out with a married man. Does BIL have any influence with her?
Thanks, amd, for responding. I really think it's all about H! I hadn't really thought that he was still in MLC. but he must be. Even if BIL talks to her (or I was actually thinking of talking to her tonight) he would probably find someone else to spend time with. I believe I need to give him more space again. He made the one decision to not choose ow, but now he needs to decide if he wants to be married. I have to figure out a way to explain that to him without ruining what we have. I know I don't want to be married to someone who puts his friends before me!
Did stuff both Saturday and Sunday with "the group". It was interesting because I talked a bit to my SIL and told her what a saint she sounds like (at least my H said SHE never complains about who BIL hangs around with). SIL said she also gets tired of hanging out with these two single women. However, she did say she realizes she can't be everything to her husband.
I didn't say any more about him making a decision about whether or not he really wants to be married. I need more time to figure out how to say that.
Meanwhile, H is gone on a 3 day business trip. Gives me a chance to breath! I asked him out to dinner when he gets back. I did make it clear I wanted to go out with another couple or just us (i.e. NO SINGLE WOMEN!).
I'm lousy at the GALing! BYW I passed my boating class
Matilda [/quote]
Matilda, What is difficult for you about GAL? What do you need to get better at? Do you struggle with feeling guilty about taking time for yourself, shyness in groups, or an overemphasis on taking care of others? Is it something else? What do you acknowledge as skills for you to work on regarding GAL?
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
What is difficult for you about GAL? ... Do you struggle with feeling guilty about taking time for yourself, shyness in groups, or an overemphasis on taking care of others? CL
CL, you always ask thought provoking questions! I also like your approach.....I can just hear you say, "STOP COMPLAINING AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!" (in a helpful manner I might add).
It's a combination of those things, plus time. I believe the biggest issue is my D16 and my H's work schedule. She has a couple committments during the week and my H's work schedule is such that he is away from home 3-4 days per week. That doesn't leave much time to devote to just me. I am less of a social body and am quite content just curling up with a good book if I do have some spare time. Lately I have been trying to work in an hour of exercise. Not too exciting. I would love to quit my job and have more time for ME! H would just think I was being selfish, though.
