Its over...she filed part 2

[OldFool]

She just replied to my email from two weeks ago....

Well, like kikisum, I think this is good. At least she cares enough about things to read it, think about it, and respond to it.

"I think that it's important that you have worked to change your behavior. I'm sure that D will also benefit from it. I respect that you have worked really hard to change and better yourself. It's turned out to be very good for you."

And she's noticed this too!

"It's just at this point, I'm not ready to go back. Maybe that point will never come. Like your other email, maybe if it does you will already have moved on."

Notice the phrasing. It's not, "I won't go back", it's "I won't go back right now". Don't get your expectations all in a bunch, but this is another baby step forward. For now, file it away with the others.

"I'm willing to take that chance so that we can all live in peace."

Yeah...well...it's easier to say that when you think the other person hasn't moved on.

I still notice that you always talk about my issues. I'm really not running away from them. If you think I am, I feel that you're wrong on that account. I am also working hard to resolve a lot of things that have happened in my life. Both the things that I am and am not responsible for. I am addressing everything as best as I can. I see my counselor every other week and have since early fall. I've been doing remarkably well lately. However, you still continue to say that its 'my' issues as though of course, its still 'my' fault.

OK...so you've got your marching orders. Leave the topic of her issues alone (at least for now). If you believe her when she says she is working on them, then that should be sufficient for you and there is no need to point them out.

What can I say to her at this point? How should I reply? I wonder if that caused her to reply? I know I'm probably reading into it too much.

1 & 2. I'm not sure what you should say. Perhaps kikisum is right and you should say nothing. If you feel a response is absolutely naecessary, I'd keep it brief and use it to further disengage. Perhaps something along the lines of, "Back when I wrote that, I wasn't focused like I needed to be. I don't think you're running from your problems and I'm no longer running from mine. I'm at a good place right now and making steady progress. Thanks for taking the time to respond. I appreciate your willingness to share your thoughts with me."

3. Your letter got the ball rolling...but, as kikisum suggests, I think your detaching gave her the space to consider it and respond.

4. Yes, you probably are. Again, remember that it's the trend that counts...not any specific event.

Hang in there, you're doing OK.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Thanks OF and kiki. I've prepared a response but I need to know if I should send it at all and/or if it needs to be modified.

Fire at will...

I'm glad to hear that you've resolved a lot of the past issues and continue to work on the more recent ones. I didn't mean anything ill, I'm sorry if you felt that way.

If you say you're not running away from your issues then that's sufficient for me, I have no way of knowing but you do and I believe you. I'm no longer running from mine. I'm at a good place right now and making steady progress. I continue to work on myself and I feel I'm becoming the person I once was, the person I liked. I'm even doing OK in my professional life I was recently promoted and for the first time in my life I have a window office and many new responsibilities. In all this I've never forgotten you for even a moment. I think about you every waking moment. You're afterall the biggest reason that brought about this change. This whole thing hit me like a tonne of brick.

I'm sorry you feel that that I have negative feelings towards you. Just so you know it's quite the opposite in fact. I've been offering prayers as regularly as I possibly can and I pray for you and all of us, I send positive thoughts towards you everyday.

Thanks for taking the time to respond. I appreciate your willingness to share your thoughts with me.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Another email from her, all while pushing ahead with D :


Hi,

I just wanted to let you know that I am getting a new life insurance policy that I’m naming you and D as beneficiary. I was thinking of creating a trust for her so that in case anything happened before her 18th birthday, the money would just be invested for that time until she needs it for school, etc. I’m putting you as 50% beneficiary because you’d need the money to replace whatever I pay for toward D's care and could put it toward school, etc.

I am also paying the premium for a policy for you. It’s for $xxK, term life and about $xx/mo. Do you want to take over that policy? If you want to up that, I would recommend doing it before your turn 35 (which is why I’m getting a new policy outside of work’s policy) because rates go up again at that age. The one I’m getting is just for 20 YR term life. It will be in addition to the $xxK I already have through work with you as beneficiary.

[kikisum]

SR-
did you ever send this letter? sorry i did not reply sooner, i've been wrapped up in my own sitch so much. let me know if you responded or not, if not and you still want to, i'll give you my 10 cents. i hope you are well...

[OldFool]

I'd leave out the last three sentences of the second paragraph (too much focus on you and pretty needy) and the entire third paragraph. Of course, I've always thought people say more when they say less.

[ImprovedRomeo]

bummer. I sent it already yesterday and I added a lot more stuff mostly how things could be good if she tried. Yeah I know, that was lame of me but I wanted to tell her pretty openly how I see this whole thing

[kikisum]

SR- now i am in your boat my friend... H wants to leave the marriage, in the legal sense. this whole thing is BULLS*#T.

[ImprovedRomeo]

I'm so sorry kiki. We've given it all we possibly could and more. We fought for what we believed and we'll wear these scars and wounds like badges of honor.

[OldFool]

I sent it already yesterday and I added a lot more stuff mostly how things could be good if she tried. Yeah I know, that was lame of me but I wanted to tell her pretty openly how I see this whole thing.

I think you need to take a look at your motives. As evidenced in your prior posts, you know that she isn't confused as to how you feel (in fact, it seems you've been "pretty open" on a number of occassions in the past). On top of that, you knew this was "lame" before you sent it. Finally, apparently you made sure you pointed out her role in this, telling her "how things could be good if she tried."

Knowing this, what do you hope to accomplish? I think this had very little to do with repairing your M or the R with your W and had everything to do with what you wanted. You said so yourself, "...I wanted to tell her...how I see this whole thing." Don't get me wrong, wanting to tell her how it is can be a legitimate desire (and doing it can be OK too, if you don't mind the repercussions), but it is dangerous to delude yourself into thinking this is moving you forward.

[ImprovedRomeo]

You're right but I'm also tired of avoiding what I want. Why should I? Specially at this point when the divorce is in full swing. What am I going to wait for? Isn't it fair that she opens her eyes and sees things from my perspective too? Isn't it fair that I tell her myself how I really feel about her rather than what she wants to believe.

I'm just exhausted from trying to do the best I can and walking on egg shells worrying about what to say to her or how to act around her. For once I want to just let it all out, even if it's needy and loving things I say. She's divorcing me already, will she have me arrested and put away for telling her I miss her like crazy?

I think it's lame of me to send it to her because it'll make her even bolder and think I'm pathetic "i got him in my back pocket even as I divorce him he's thinking about being in love with me" but there's a chance that she might think "no one's ever loved me this much maybe it's time to reconsider"