New here - W unwilling to work on it

[30andLost]

OF,

You're so right! Texting is my downfall! In fact, now that you mention it, every, and I mean EVERY, negative interaction we've had since this started, has been started by a text I've sent her when I'm feeling hurt or hopeless or just plain sad. So, avoiding those will be my new goal. A new bottom-line for me. Thanks, AGAIN, for the insight!

I have done a LOT of work on the assuming part, which is largly rooted in my insecurities, but you can see I'm a work in progress. One of the SLAA guidelines teaches "spiritual progress, not spiritual perfection." One common character defect that love addicts like me have is perfectionism. If things aren't perfect, we assume they are complete failures. I even transferred this to my R, where if I wasn't her whole world, then she didn't love me at all. A truly unhealthy way to operate. I am learning that it is ok if things aren't perfect. I am learning to accept this of myself too. I've even told my W that if she decides to take me back, I'm not going to be perfect. I told her I believe I'm never going to cheat on her again, but my insecurites and control issues are always going be a problem for me. Just like the alcoholic has to work to stay away from alcohol for the rest of his life, I will have to work to stay away from my being 'addicted' to her for the rest of my life. The control and insecurities will come out from time to time, but as I work those issues the occurances should be farther and farther apart. This is the same for the assuming part too. I am going through a complete character transformation here and the road is rough -- for both of us. I have lived the past 25 years of my life by my own will in the sick and twisted ways of a love addict. It is going to take a little time to change that thinking, feeling, and acting. I have made HUGE progress, but I accept, as I said, I am a work in progress. Potentially for the rest of my life.

Alaska,

Read my very first post. All the details are there. I am the cheater, and I really crushed my W's spirt with the way I went about revealing it. SLAA is Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. A 12-step program for dealing with the addiction. A truly eye opening transformation has occured in me, and I thank God everyday for getting me to that program.

Thanks for the replies,
B