I am so sorry you have had to deal with the insanity of MLCBS.
No it isn't fair and it isn't right.
There is no logic and most of the choices and decisions they make are out of pure emotion and anger.
I know you don't want to hear this BUT for your own peace of mind do NOT discuss any of the legal things with your Husband.
Allow the Lawyers to do their job.This is what they are paid for.
This is the time to really learn about detachment.
The man who is racing at 100 MPH will eventually run out of steam and unfortunately he really has no idea as to what damage he is causing.
They look for quick fixes hence the OW and a Divorce.
They do not understand that their problems come from within and even after they have tried many external factors to get rid of the pain they are in, eventually they will have to look at themselves.
For now, try to focus on the children and not on your Husband.
(((((((Faith))))))))
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Mom, Mlcers will go for the gold in most instances. They want everything and the appearance of what they are requesting will give you the feeling that they are out to destroy you. This is not the case, i.e., they are attempting to destroy everything that represented the good in their lives pre-mlc. Right now, your h doesn't care if you live in a tent or out on the street panhandling. All he cares about is lashing out and getting what he thinks is his, i.e., whether or not you supported him and his children or shared the expenses, he doesn't see it that way right now. It's all about him. It's called the "me, me, me" symptoms.
I understand where you are at because I was there 5 years ago. You have to stay strong and do not allow your anger and emotions to control your thought processes. You have to find a way to calm yourself down and look at those papers in a very rational way. You have to protect your children and yourself in this now and look at the entire situation now as a business deal and go from there.
Now, let's look at some of the things you need to think about. I'm going to offer you up some bargaining chips for when you speak to your lawyer. Is the house in both names? If so, it will most likely either be sold and the proceeds divided between the two of you after the loan is paid off or one you could buy the other one out and then walk away or you could attempt to negotiate w/him to allow you and the children to stay in the home until the children reach the legal age of 18 or until they graduate from college.
Did he make any requests about the items in the home that he wants? If so, start making a list of everything in your home and put an estimated dollar amount beside them.
Walk around the home and make a list of the items that you brought into the marriage or were given to you as a gift and who gave them to you.
Does he have a vehicle? If so, you shouldn't be left w/o one. You will need to point out that you need the car for transportation to and from work and for transporting your children. Also, you need to point out that he has a vehicle. Generally they will not take the car away from you if he has one.
Raise the issue of joint custody and also be sure to put a clause in the papers about college tuition and any and all health insurance issues for your children. You will need to spell out that he will be responsible for half of the children's activity expenses, i.e., uniforms, band equipment, etc.
When you are setting up what you feel is reasonable in the way of child support, etc., spell everything out. Do not leave anything for him to "assume".
Mom, a lot of them will put on paper unreasonable demands in order to drag things out. They unconsciously do this and let me tell you, you have to nip this in the bud early on or your legal fees will be quite expensive. Be firm, state what you want for you and your children and do not waffle. His requests are very unreasonable, but his attorney sees $$$ in this one. Lawyers always know when they have mclers in their offices because they ask for off the wall stuff.
I want to point out that not all mlcers will wait to file for divorce. Many of them will start divorce proceedings within days/weeks of leaving and then drag their feet throughout the process. Some may wake up before the divorce is final and others don't.
I can just imagine how you felt and I'm sure it's no better today. Do something for yourself today and leave the papers on the counter for a while. I know it's very upsetting, but when the dust settles, you'll be better able to see that his demands are totally off the wall.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
(((((((Mom,))))))) You have been given good advice; follow it. I sense that there is one more thing that will be important for you to hear. It sounds like your H is moving fast, and is very "delusional" in his frame of mind. This is all within the normal range of MLC thinking and actions. He is being, shall we say, an extreme. This does not in anyway reflect how this is going to turn out. My H is kind and (so far) generous. That does not mean my efforts to bust my divorce have a higher chance of success.
He may be getting in the first punch in on the fight, don't let it land on you. Fignt back with dignity, courage and all the DBing you can muster.
The only stedfast rule here is
PROTECT YOURSELF AND THOSE GIRLS.
With that: Follow all the advise given. It will not hurt your efforts to bust your divorce.
That's enough for now. You will be fine. We are here. Holly
Bomb 1/06 D dismissed 11/07, attempt reconciliation. Premature. Divorce final October 31, 2008. OW looks like bad history. Over. Still hopeful. Baby steps. In R with my X.
As Snodderly stated: Lawyers always know when they have mclers in their offices because they ask for off the wall stuff.
I can fully 100% attest to that! The lawyers DO recognize a MLC'er. I was floored when I realized that. Perhaps I thot MLC did not exhist outside this forum and in the real world.
It is a illness. He is not your husband you once knew, so do not expect him to act or think like he once did. Since he is moving at 100 mph, you should start moving at 110mph. It sounds as if he is a train wreck and you do not want to be in his way when he crashes. Move into "mother" mode and protect your children and yourself first, worry about him later.
Tuesday will be here soon, so do your homework as advised by Snodderly,
Our thought are with you.
Jeanette
Change the Policy. Allow PM's Free all of us.
Also some new and improved emoticons would be nice!
Thank Goodness for Snodderly to come here with her wisdom and her calmness. She made me calm, b/c I was about to let loose on your H. She reminded me he is sick.
I am sorry. I hurt, thinking about the way this went down, and the stupidity of him wanting the house and YOUR car, and for you to pay HIS attorney fees.
I am stunned. I am saying a prayer for your strength and your clarity, and I am also praying that you and the girls, are protected.
I'm sorry mom, MLC is a terrible consumption of our spouses.
We are here, as much as we can be, but please call your family and have them by you during this time.
Lissett
“Pray as though everything depended on God. Work as though everything depended on you.”
My H pretty much did the same thing as yours only he did call and warn me that the papers would be served. The service of the papers was a nightmare. The server came after 10 at night, I was in bed and they pushed through a locked door to leave a note on my inside door. I called H the next day about the event which scared the daylights out of myself and my son. H was furious but didn't do a darn thing about it. I called and report the servers and got BS from the owner of the company. Then I ended up getting served at work. Our school secretary just told the server he had to wait until my group went to lunch. She then came to my room to get me and he served me in the office. I was still humiliated and hurt but in the end it was probably for the better as I had an immense amount of support from my fellow teachers and staff.
The point of all this is...that was 14 months ago and our D is still not final. H keeps refusing the jugdements given by the judges we have had in our case and I have now reached a minimum that I will accept in this matter. So it is now at a stalemate and I am not sure what happens from here as I have not contacted my attorney after the last letter he sent to me.
Your H may be on the fast track but chances are it will not be a fast process especially if he is asking for more than he is entitled to.
Good luck to you and I can only say do what you can to keep yourself calm. We are here for you.
Last edited by iluv2teach; 03/24/0701:51 PM.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
You have already received so much good advice but I wanted to give you support as well. We care about you!
As hard as it is, try to remove as much emotion, except for love, out of this terrible situation that you are in. Consider it part of the whole stupid MLC thing. Avoid doing anything rash or something you may regret later. After having a chance to digest everything and make a logical, fairly unemotional decision or decisions, you can then move in a direction. Just don't react. That is what our spouses are doing and they are trying to force us to react because they cannot do anything except react to situations and create DRAMA.
Let them have their drama. You can be the audience. Unfortunately, it is an interactive participation to some extent but you can decide how much.
We are with you and keep posting as you are now. Let it out here. Love yourself and your daughters.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
Mof2G: First off, I am sorry that you are here. We know how you are feeling, try to take a few minutes today to do something for yourself. Crying is okay because we are human and darn it this stuff hurts but don't allow yourself to be there too long. It will take away your focus and right now, you need to get focused on what your next move is going to be. You see, my C once said to me"He is not the responsible or rational one so he does not get to make the decisions."
Your H is not the H that you know, he is not responsible or rational, you do what you need to do in order to protect yourself and your precious children.
Honey, I am stunned. But not surprised...seems so sad that each week we come on the boards to hear one more freakish, outlandish, horrifying, ridiculous thing that these MLCers do. Each of us have an MLC H that has a "hallmark" moment of MLC, and yours is the serving of D papers at the mall. UGH.
I cannot believe it. As if anything you have done EVER would necessitate this type of behavior, as if you threatened him for anything that he has to stoop so low.
No. So it is clearly a sickness. It's amazing what they have up in their heads. The fighting for no reason. The creation of drama and conflict.
OK, time to get smart, sweets. Go to the L. Make it CLEAR that you will not back down to things, and state your intentions, and go for what you want/entitled to. Listen to Snodderly and all here, DO NOT BACK DOWN. This is business now. Take some time this weekend to make a pact to yourself, that you will lay emotions aside, sad and sweet memories aside when you have to go through this, b/c it for the sake of yoru KIDS now. And you. You are dealing with a lunatic and cannot let it go bc you have some memories of the man he was. That man can come back and will understand your need to protect yourself.
Get strong, we will be here to hold you. No more being shocked. No more disappointment. Wake up each day and tell yourself "what is the worst he can do..." and expect that. Be prepared for it. Be ready and stand against it.
I am sorry you are going through this. They love the drama. This is what it is about now. You have gotten great advice. The only thing I can say or repeat is protect your children first. How this is going to play out is undetermined. Your H is insane right now. H does not know what he is doing. Don't automatically assume he will follow through on this threat. Don't automatically assume he will not.
You can be guaranteed that we are here for you. We will help you when you need us. We have all been through this craziness and know you pain.
Luv Goal
Me: 45 H: 43 Married: 19 years Dated 05 years Bomb: 11/06 OW - "I love her, but still want you as my friend"
