Mrs cac: Regarding talking, I used to get really upset with H when he would look at the TV while I talked to him. I always felt that he didn't really care what I had to say and that he was chosing the TV over me.
Lou: I can imagine you feeling that way.
Just wanted to respond to this here... the Dawna Markova book about learning styles addresses this. Some people listen and absorb better when they are NOT looking directly at you. Odd but true. My late H was like that. When he was listening, he would look off into outer space... it used to make me crazy. I'm the kind of person who looks right into your eyes while you're talking and nods, makes little acknowledging noises, etc. What people call "a good listener"-- at least it looks that way. He was a good listener, too, but it didn't look that way at all. (Don't know if cac was a good listener or not... just wanted to throw in that counter-intuitive observation.)
Lou wrote
Quote:
If I carry out the dance situation, BB will put on her abused/neglected wife uniform
So?
Learn from hairdog. BB's response might surprise you.
Lou, I believe the idea was *not* to tell your wife in advance, much less discuss it with her. Here's the original suggestion.
Quote:
First off, go buy a nice fitted suit. Spend the money for a nice one.
Find a dance club in your area. Sign up for lessons. Show up for dances by yourself if you have to. There will be some single women looking for a dance partner.
On the day of the first lesson, tell your wife that you have signed up. Don't give her any more notice than 24 hours. Ask her if she would like to come along. If she declines, then you go anyway.
Your wife has told you that other women wouldn't be interested in you. Let me tell you something; working, capable, and sexual men at your age are in high demand. If she doesn't know this, it is time to educate her by example.
I suspect, that just as she knows that the oral claim was bogus, she knows that you are an attractive man to a lot of women.
Get out from under her. Stop chasing her. Grab your hat and suit, go out and just have a look for yourself at how many single women your age and younger are interested. Make some new friends. Socialize. Go to the gym.
Let your wife chase you for a while.
Dancing doesn't have to be any worse on a bad knee than is working out 3X a week on a treadmill. Even so, she could go and watch from the sidelines as you stepped out of the "Lou" mold you're stuck in.
I am not dismissing the idea or plan. I saw the last minuet thing as pulling a fast one on BB.
Something else I said somewhere but not as a reply to NOP, I was on the dance floor 2X. Once in an intro class and when our daughter got married. I moved around that time, IOW faked it till the bride/father dance was over.
I asked BB several times over the years if she was interested in dancing but she never showed any interest.
So, I am a novice when it comes to dancing. Yea, go take lessons. I hear you.
Dancing doesn't have to be any worse on a bad knee than is working out 3X a week on a treadmill. I agree.
Learn from hairdog. BB's response might surprise you. BB was making lots of talk about a one-level house yesterday. I said, buy what you want. I am going to stay in the old house for a while.
Like I said to HD, karma or what ever people call it was in play for me and HD.
Just wanted to respond to this here... the Dawna Markova book about learning styles addresses this. Some people listen and absorb better when they are NOT looking directly at you. Odd but true. My late H was like that. When he was listening, he would look off into outer space... it used to make me crazy. I'm the kind of person who looks right into your eyes while you're talking and nods, makes little acknowledging noises, etc. What people call "a good listener"-- at least it looks that way. He was a good listener, too, but it didn't look that way at all. (Don't know if cac was a good listener or not... just wanted to throw in that counter-intuitive observation.)
CAC doesn't always do this, but he always seemed to do it when I wanted to talk about the M. We often joke about "the [insert last name] stare," which DS seems to have inherited from his dad, who inherited it from his dad. H has no difficulty looking me in the eye, as long as the topic isn't his/my feelings or our R. It's definitely a situational thing.
Looking back on it, I could SEE the wall going up as soon as he knew what was coming. He was terribly uncomfortable and it was obvious. The thing that wasn't obvious to me was that his reaction was about HIM and not about ME.
I think CAC is a good listener in general, but like you said, it was hard for me to tell whether he was hearing me or not. Part of the problem was that he couldn't decipher what I was saying. I would often stop and ask him if he could understood my POV and he'd say "not really." Add the TV or computer to the mix and I was pretty frustrated.
The NVC article on Hairdog's thread was interesting. It certainly would have helped us communicate better.
I need to clarify because I don't think I explained it well. If you saw H in person, you'd know exactly what I'm talking about.
The "stare" to which I referred is a fixed gaze on the other person who is speaking, not glassy-eyed at all. I remember H's boss, "R," being quite impressed with 3-month-old DS who looked directly at R as if he understood everything R was saying. R commented that his daughter, who was the same age, appeared to look through him.
I came to understand that if H was looking directly at me while I spoke, he was very uncomfortable. When H is talking, he tends to look away from the other person, as do I.
LOL on the 2x4! These were the times that I feared it was hopeless. I think I was just speaking a language that H did not understand. He suppresses his feelings big time. I think he often had no clue what I was talking about. When he was hospitalized for pneumonia about 10 years ago, a nurse came in to take his medical history, and she asked if he had been under any stress. He said, "no, I don't think so." I said, "WHAT!?" And I proceeded to rattle off all that was going on in his life, including a career change and the fact that my parents had been visiting for a few weeks. And he said, "oh, yeah, I guess I am under stress." Ya think?
I think this is the same device that H suggested, and that Lou mentioned. $25 at Staples for 2G I think. I'm going to get one. Mrs. Cac4, I don't know about Staples Price this week, I don't get their ads in the paper.
Office Depot has a 2GB USB drive for $25 after a rebate. OfficeMax has a 2GB USB drive for $25 and does not require you to go through the rebate process.
I understand where Cac4 is coming from when he gave his example about crashing a car verses parking a car. The two events are truly different.
So far, the advice given regarding the presenting problem I like the flow chart or sequential steps note card, and the USB drive.
The underlying problem of feelings and how you two react to situations will require consideration for and from each other.
It's strange, this week end my W/BB said I was being inconsiderate when I was explaining to a friend, how to solve one of her problems. BB said if I can't teach her how to do something in 5 minuets, going longer is rude.
I said it wasn't my responsibility to teach someone something in a time frame BB thinks is adequate. BB dislikes computers and other technical devices.
I said it was her dislike for technology that caused her to feel the way she does and she can't dictate my actions based on her dislike for something that is and has been a common realm for so many people.
I made a point that I don't have any interest in jewelry and think it is foolish to talk about the difference between "Black Hills" and "Eterna Gold" but I don't tell her to not talk about with her friends when we go out as a group.
He was a good listener, too, but it didn't look that way at all. (Don't know if cac was a good listener or not... just wanted to throw in that counter-intuitive observation.)
