It is just nice to have people not tell me I am totally crazy!
As for my anger. While I am angry at my XH, I am less angry with him when we are talking. As I have said before I never wanted a divorce, but if I had one, I wanted one where we could still be friendly. And the fact that he has pulled his friendship away from me again hurts. It feels like I am being punished, but I don't know what I did. And I know he says I didn't do anything, but it still hurts. It just brings up all those feelings of being abandoned by the one I truly love.
**As a side note my XH was the 2nd person I ever dated and my first love. So maybe that explains why this is so hard for me. I have only dated on other than for a brief time. I have loved no other man. The thought of even dating someone else makes me break down in tears. This was the man I chose with all his faults and all of his "problems" I chose him b/c I loved him and I wanted to be there for him for a lifetime.
I do think that the anger I feel toward him is more based on my fear of being alone and not realizing my dreams of having a child or children. I feel like he has stolen my dreams and my hopes. I am angry that he doesn't give me any answers or reason as to the why. The best answer he has come up with, is that we aren't compatible. (I think that is a load of crap. But it isn't something you can really argue with someone.)
Where most of my anger lies is with his friends and family. The ones who just stood by and let him do this. No one stood up for me. No one tried to talk him out of this. The just jumped up and helped him and "dropped me" like I never existed.
I will say I was never very close to any of them, but that was my XH chosing not mine. He didn't want us to have a close relationship so I didn't push the issue.
I know they are his family and friends, but still. The way they just turned on me. They didn't call to check on me to see how I was. They didn't do anything. My MIL talked to me for 1 month after he left and then just stopped communicating with me. I have sent his family christmas cards, b-day cards, and e-mails of well wishes, and I have gotten NOTHING in return. I have tried to do what I thought was right, and still get the cold shoulder.
It all just makes me feel like all their expressions of love were not for who I was, but for who I was married to. Once I was no longer married to my XH I was no longer worthy of their love or time.
It hurts that no one in his family tried to tell him not to do this. That no one stood up for me. It is like they all thought I deserved this. That I some how did something that made this "okay". Though i am not sure how they would know b/c I asked his mom why he left.. and she said she didn't ask and he didn't share that information.
It is those people around him that I am the most angry at. I knew I was powerless in this situation. There was nothing i could say or do to get him to stop and not leave. I was very aware of that. But they could have helped. They could have said, "You left once and made the choice to go back. YOu need to work on it some more. You can't just run away. If this is what you want that is fine, but we aren't going to help you. We will not shelter you."
But they didn't they ran to his aid, moved him out of our home and then sheltered him so he would not be lonely nor would he have to make his own food etc.
I guess I am angry that they made me feel like I did something to justify him leaving, but they weren't going to tell me what that reason was. I am angry that he had all this support here in the town where we live and all my family is 3 hours away. They can't come up and hug me and hold me and make me not feel so alone.
I think that covers my anger.
And sadly my sense of peace and calm is gone today! I just want to talk to him. I want to know why? I want to know why I cause him pain? I want to know why he can't just talk to me! I just miss him. I know it has only been a week since out last e-mail but it has been 23 days since I have seen him. I haven't gone this long without seeing him or talking to him since he left last year. He didn't talk to me for 2 months when he left a year ago. I am just so afraid of losing contact with him forever. I just feel so powerless to do anything.
I have really looked at myself and I have seen where I was wrong or need to change when it comes to our realtionship. I have changed some things in my personality that I didn't care for.
Sad how just not talking to him can throw me into this state.
I just want to talk to him. I want to know why? I want to know why I cause him pain? I want to know why he can't just talk to me! I just miss him. I know it has only been a week since out last e-mail but it has been 23 days since I have seen him. I haven't gone this long without seeing him or talking to him since he left last year. He didn't talk to me for 2 months when he left a year ago. I am just so afraid of losing contact with him forever. I just feel so powerless to do anything.
