The darkness does not endure!

[BeingMe]

I would agree with you about ultimatums, Heywyre. I don't feel I gave him an ultimatum, although it may seem so from my posting. My intention was not to force him to do anything. At this point, the idea of being on my own is becoming very attractive. I am at the end of my tether. I was ready to leave 2 years ago, and he suckered me back in with promises (unfulfilled), and stating how remorseful he was (without any action to back it up). I have been patiently trying to build up trust in him, without much help from him, waiting for him to do the right thing, 'to get it', to plug into our M. He still lies to me, or withholds information, which to him is not important, but it is very important to me, and we very rarely ML (in two years, about 10 times, if that). His excuse for the lies and withheld information, is that he doesn't like confrontation. WTF!!!! I asked him when last I every reacted in anger to anything he had to say to me. And the things he lied about was not something that I would've been upset about, except that he lied. I want to be able to know, always, that he is telling me the truth, or is telling me everything that may affect me and the children.

Now, he is going to be doing a lot of travelling with his new job, and all these issues of trust, etc., has reared it's ugly head again. I have told him that I don't trust that he will be faithful to me. I wish I could believe him when he says he will be faithful, but he has proven to me too many times (through pornography, and then the EA) that he cannot stay faithful, even after promising. It just doesn't mean as much to him as it does to me, I guess. Both his parents were cheaters (and are now divorced), so this is how he grew up.

I have to decide whether I can remain married to someone that I just don't trust. I feel he will betray me again, and I cannot go through all that pain again. I can feel myself building the walls around me, detaching from him, before I get hurt again. I have tried not to, but I can't seem to help it. He has told me too many times in our M, that he doesn't love me, has made me feel his poor choices were my fault. He clearly isn't into me, romantically speaking, so I just wish he could tell me the truth (as his actions speak), and I can start getting over him, and moving on with my life.

Perhaps, I shouldn't bother waiting, since his actions do speak louder than words, and maybe he just doesn't know how to say it, and be honest. I almost feel like he is white-knuckling our M, trying to force himself to love me and stay faithful to me, and when I start talking about what isn't right for me, he starts doing damage control. I don't want to go through life being damage controlled. I want the real thing. I want to have that knowledge back, that my H is always truthful, and faithful, and really love me, and has my best interests at heart. That's how I used to think of him, and it's how I tried to be for him, and still do. He was my hero, and I would never have believed he would do half the things he has done over the years. He, on the other hand (and this should've been a clue to me), rarely thought the better of me without having done anything to make him think the worse. He rarely complimented me, or had good things to say about me to others (he didn't say bad things, just nothing really). He did, however, have a lot of negative things to say to the OW about me. He showered her with compliments (what a great mom she was, whereas I apparently sucked as a mother), and positive things (and didn't even know what she currently looked like). To give him credit, he does try and compliment me now, tells me he loves me, and is affectionate to a point.

I was not responsible for his bad choices that lead to my mistrust, and now he wants me to be responsible for building it back up, with very little effort from him, that anything will change. What I am responsible for, is my reaction to his bad choices. I reacted in pain and anger, lashing out at him, when I first discovered his porn addiction more than 15 years ago, and that was how I pretty much reacted every time I found out he was still into it, after promising me he wouldn't do it again (although, I have always been able to withhold insults and name-calling). The last time, I told him, "no more anger, something inside me has died." Then he went to a C, and got the help he needed, but it took so many years, so much pain, and by then, I had allowed myself to think it was my fault, I wasn't good enough for him, there was something wrong with me, and my self-esteem has been going downhill since then. Until the EA! Then, I took a long, hard look at myself, questioned the things he told the OW about me, and found it all baseless garbage (I read all the emails while he was away on a boy scout camp, and I read it over and over during that week, until it was burned into my memory), went into C for myself, and realised that I had allowed anger to dictate my reactions (not only to him, but it had seeped into my R with the children, and others), and allowed my H's choices to chip away at my confidence and self esteem. I had taught him well, how to treat me. I have changed so much since then, that I barely recognise the person I was. I don't need to give ultimatums (that's a control thing) ... my H knows now that if I say something, I mean it. I do not shout, lash out, or sulk. I don't play games, or try and manipulate. I speak calmly, as clearly as possible, and reasonably (IMO). I try and leave things up to him. I just want him to know where I stand at this point and what my needs are, and invite him to share his with me (but, he says nothing on that, so it makes me wonder), and this gives him the opportunity to make changes, if he so wishes. If not, then he knows that I have no problem moving on without him (as painful as that would be). I feel I have truly tried everything in my power to save this M. Now, he must do something, if he also wants to save our M.

Ugh! Sorry, for the long vent. I only talk of the past as an explanation of how we got to this point in our M. I really don't hold the porno thing over his head, or resent him for it anymore. It does help me to get all this off my chest, so thanks for reading if you've gotten this far. I haven't felt this confused, and sad in a long time. One person really can work toward fixing a M (as in DB'ing), but it takes two to sustain that M. You cannot do it alone. And, it cannot always be the one spouse making all the sacrifices, emotionally and any other way.