Mrs. Cac4 I've always had issues with the BB format because of the lack of instant feedback as you get with a live convo. But, I'm putting out my thoughts, trying not to fret about them and how people perceive them, and stepping out of my comfort zone. I tried live chat but found it to be superficial and rely on memory. The people with strong opinions or photographic memories do well. I need to think about some things and check some things out. Going back and re-reading things, checking some facts, woks best for me.
The posters here are a great bunch of people. I have never met more informed, more helpful posters.
H and I are lucky to have very similar spending habits. In your sitch, you need to set boundaries and limits. Does BB have a set amount of $ that she can spend on whatever she wants?
At one time I bought in to the idea that her income was mostly hers. I didn’t agree with that sort of femanist idea, but I went along with it on the surface.
Or is she spending excessively and that spending is having repercussions on your finances/budget? If it's the former, I think you just need to let it go. You may think she is spending the $ on stupid things, but you really can't control it. It becomes a power struggle. If it's the latter, then you need to speak up and come to a compromise you both can live with. At one time BB spent $5.2K on things advertised TV shopping channels and another $5/7K on local purchases for shoes/purses, clothing/kitchen gadgets per year. I said it had to stop or I was leaving. It was from her income and an inheritance. I paid all household expenses. She cut back on the spending and now is in the get rid of what she bought previously. It feels like a merry-go-round to me . Buy, use, give away, buy some more….. Now it’s “less is better” well except now she wants a bigger house with everything on one level.
Regarding talking, I used to get really upset with H when he would look at the TV while I talked to him. I always felt that he didn't really care what I had to say and that he was chosing the TV over me. I can imagine you feeling that way.
I began telling him I wanted to talk and then asking him to turn off the TV. He didn't have to look at me, but he had to give me his undivided attention. Good solution.
We always would get off topic, go off on tangents, etc. Actually, it was me who did almost all the talking, so I would get off topic. Some marriage counselors advise shelving a convo that can't be resolved to be picked up at another mutually agreed-upon time, but I found that very hard to do. BB brings up reasons why she wants to move, why my business in the basement bothers her. I bring up R issues. Good advice about shelving issues but difficult to do for a goal oriented guy like me. Yes it is difficult to stop once the ball gets rolling.
What I did find, though, was that each time H and I had one of our talks, I would get more insight into our R. Well, that helps. Nothing like feeling a little progress to make one want to do more. Our biggest problem I think was that H was virtually unable to tell me his feelings about anything. Tell feelings w/o the OP taking what one person says as a dig/putdown/insult?? That is where things go wrong for me.
When he did talk, what he said sounded so angry and defensive that it really threw me. BINGO! I usually can’t get past a similar point with BB, then she throws in her past medical problems, our past financial differences, and then I feel like I have to make allowences and give up anything more than I will call minimum wage type of R.
It took some reading for me to figure out what we were doing. (One book that helped was "The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work" by John Gottman. This book gave me some insight into our communication patterns and why they weren't working. I have that book and “The Relationship Cure” and about 20 other R/M/C books I read while BB read 2 books about dogs. She told me (opinion) the R and sex books are written for a man’s benefit mostly so the guys can hope to have more sex, even if a women wrote the book.
Why do you think BB takes your compliments as criticism? Can you give examples? Ex. I say “WTG on walking on the treadmill 3x this week” her reply might be “Oh, so are you saying I am fat.”
H's self-protection mode was to be avoidant/dismissive. For a person like me who really likes to talk about my feelings, it was torture to be shut out like that. I took it personally for many years until I understood he was only self-protecting. Sort of a role reversal situation here.
As H admitted on Cemar's thread, he hasn't really "done" anything proactive, other than buy Michele's book and post his thoughts here. But he has done one other thing, and that is to respond positively to my changes and efforts. That has made all the difference. BB does acknowledge I have changed for the better and thinks I am her one and only, at least in words, but there are not many improvements in the R for me to say it’s working or worth it. Some things are out of our control like past medical./ financial problems but what we do have health and money wise, speaks poorly for what could be.
I did tell BB I could see her happier with some one with double the income and not a saver like I am. It was after she said we were meant to be together and I said I felt Good R’s were more a function of compatibility and what people were willing to put into the R and didn‘t have that much to do with being with someone that destiny chose. I said I am glad destiny is working for her but it isn‘t for me.
We are back to her wanting a different one-level house and me thinking about just living here in the house I built in 1974.
