New To Piecing III

[COG]

PArob,

If a Dutch Oven is grounds for a divorce , then I think I'm in big trouble!!!!!!!

Hee Hee Hee ! Dutch Oven huh, I did'nt know there was a name for it. That's funny!

but I think I see you putting way too much of this on yourself.

OK, now I'm gettin a little tired of people telling me I'm takin way to much responsibility here. People, please trust me, I've contemplated this for six friggin years. I know where I failed, AND I KNOW WHERE SHE FAILED. Not only that, I know where she's still failing. I am completely aware of it.

But will I let it rain on my parade, HELL NO! I'm a happy guy. I don't cry over this stuff, I don't dwell on it, and I don't DENY IT! I've found a perfectly fine spot right here in reality. I'm not living on hope, I'm not living in dream land, I live for the moment, without fear, without guilt, without anxiety. I'm at peace, well most of the time anyway.

I am not afraid to end this M, and I am not afraid to stand. I hope my W will fire up, but she may never. So what? I've only got a few more good sexual years left anyway. There's so much more to life. And I am not stupid enough to believe that I'll just go out and find Ms Right.

I'm on it! I'm on fire right now. Doing REALLY well. I've found peace and fulfillment in acceptance.

Now some of you might think it's enabling behaivior, denial, etc. You might think I'm being abused. But I tell you I'm laughing when I hear that. I'm no more abused than any other crazy f?cker with teenage kid's, an overworked W, two mortgages, and a bunch of other crap. You might think I beat myself up over this stuff, but you are so very out to lunch.

We can judge and condemn my W, our WAS, all we want, but that won't get us very far. If things work out with my W, she's gonna have one hell of a man, and I'm gonna have one hell of a woman. We're heading that direction. Have been for a long time. Six years now. We've had peak's and valleys, ebb and flow, but we've come a LONG ways from where we were.

I guess I just better find another way of venting because I'm gettin real tired of fending off the attacks. I've considered just not responding but I like the debate. Only it's taking too much time right now.

Just know this, I am in a VERY good place right now. I am a man who has a VERY fulfilling life because I choose to stay in the present, and tries to see the positives in everything. Love is not selfish, love keeps no record of wrongs. I follow the rules, trust God, and I am very blessed.

I have been selfish, a wimp, a cry baby, a wussy, a sheep, and a controller. Angry, critical, and judgmental. Honestly, I can really understand her lack of desire. Do I hate myself, look down on myself, carry a burden of guilt and shame. HELL NO! But I'm honest about it.

I've grown through all the crap. I'm a man, a darned fine man, NOW! But I've only been that way for a very short time all things considered. Like maybe two years. I LOVE who I am now, I did'nt before. By being honest with myself about my past failures, I can grow forward without regret, without guilt, without anxst.

Gotta go, more later...... I'm writing a friggin novel here.

God Bless,

COG