New here - W unwilling to work on it

[30andLost]

Hello all,

I just wanted to check in and give those of you that have been helping me an update.

Things are going REALLY well. I have spent time with W every day since Mar. 13 (I think, probably longer). We are operating on the friend level and a little past that with some cuddling, back rubs, and hugs, and the like. No sex or kissing (just a few pecks). I am definitely giving her the affection and conversation that she needs to feel safe and comfortable with me (basic female needs from 'His Needs Her Needs'. I ask for kisses, and joke about the sex, but respect her 'no' response and leave it at the one request (per day ). Times have been good as I've said. We talk about normal topics and really enjoy each other's company. Every once in awhile R talk comes up (more on that later), but it is never confrontational and I always validate her feelings and reiterate my acceptance of my responsibility in all of this, and apologize for my actions.

Specific situations:

Friday, Mar 16: It was my weekend to be with the kids while she usually goes to her friends to stay and go out at night. I had previously told her that she would never come to the house to hang out if it was her weekend away. Well, she was home when I got there and stayed there until her friend got off of work (11pm). While she was there we hung out and watched a movie together and then she left a little before 11pm. This part kind of screwed me up a bit. I didn't have any insecurities or control issues over her going out with her friends to have a good time, I was just sad and hurt I guess that I knew that because of what I've done, I wasn't wanted to be around her and wasn't invited to go out and have fun also. So...

Saturday Mar 17: I went go-kart racing with a church group and it was ok. I got black-flagged every race I was in due to aggressive driving, but it's a public place with lots of liabilities so they pretty much don't allow you to touch another kart or the wall or they black-flag you. WIMPS! I come home from that go get some groceries for her and then I go to my brother-in-laws (her brother) with the kids like I do every weekend I have them. What I missed while I was gone is that she came home to talk to me. Not about the R or us at all but just as a friend because she is kindof having a falling out with her friend that she stays with and she needed to vent. Not being there I guess was a good thing according to DR tactics, but I was just thrilled that she came to talk to me when she was in need of someone to listen. So...

Sunday Mar 18: We had made plans earlier in the week to take the boat out today because the weather here in Cali has been unseasonably warm. My mood for the day was that of being mildly upset still about seeing her leave me Friday night to go out drinking with her friends. Which frames what happens next. I take the boys to church and while I'm leaving she texts me and asks if it is warm enough to take the boat to the lake today. I text her back ASSUMING that she is looking to get out of it with, 'Not sure. I'm going anyways' Now does that sound short to anyone else! I thought so. So a few texts back and forth about time then we have major miscommunication. She texts me that she doesn't want her friend to know, she just doesn't want her to know, what should she tell her. SO, I immediately get more pissed because I ASSUME that she doesn't want her friend to know shes hanging out with me because her friend will think less of her for hanging out with her cheating H. So I text her back that, 'You should probably just stay with her then. I don't want to be the reason your friends are mad at you.' Nice and short! So, I'm all bent now because she just texts back 'K'. That's it, not going. So I take the kids to my mom and go to the gym because I have some MAJOR anxiety to work off and I know I need to. I decided to call her to explain myself (trying to do what our counselor told us back in Nov. before the affair was revealed) and be open with her and communicate my feelings so there was no guessing on either part. What she meant to text about her friend not knowing was that she didn't want her friend to 'GO'. She was putting on her makeup and texting at the same time so she messed up. We talked it out and she ended up going out with us and we had a really good time. Talking (me listening) with her about her friend and how she annoys her etc. So...

Monday, Mar 19: She comes home from her graveyard shift and tells me that her friend was whining about her ex-boyfriend that dumped her and her friend was saying, 'I realized it's not really him I miss but the relationship.' My W not being one to get over things quickly and still pissed at her friend simply said in a room full of her friends and coworkers that all know our sitch, 'You know what I realized? I really miss hanging out with Brandon. I spent all day with him and had a really great time.' This is HUGE for her to be open and vunerable with her friends and coworkers like this! I simply loved it, but didn't express my excitement. just kept the conversation at a conversation level. So...

Tuesday, Mar 20: She is going to school and has been struggling because of everything that I've done to her and the pain that I've put her though, so she's not doing well in her current class. Well today she found out that she failed another test, and is failing the course. She called me and wanted to meet for coffee and I knew it was about her school. Didn't even think for a second that it was about the big-D paperwork. It wasn't. It was about school. When she got to the coffee place she started crying. I just grabbed her and held her and reassured her that she is smart and capable and how proud I was of her and she should be proud of herself in light of everything that I've done to her. I also apologized for putting her through all of this when she is going to school to attain her dream of becoming a nurse. We had coffee and then got into some GOOD R/M/future talk. She still is not ready to make a decision (more later) but I offered her this. Now, before I say what it is, I offered this purely out of a desire for her to be happy and to have an easier life. I told her we could sell the house and she could get an apartment and I would continue to stay at my dads while she decided about the M. This would get us completely out of debt, money in the bank, and allow her to not have to work and be able to focus on her school full time. She agreed. Throughout our coffee she told me things like 'this will be a fresh start', 'i don't feel like its over', 'i'm glad I have you', and some others, but those are the biggies. So...

Wednesday, Mar 21: Called her just to say hi and see how her day was going. Conversation was going ok until she asked "you didn't agree to sell the house just because you think you'll be able to move into the apartment with me, did you? Because you're not." Kinda hurt. No, but of course my goal is for our M to work, but I still know you need your time to make your decision. The convo went on and after I texted her "I feel like I've just been slapped to the ground. Not your problem though...I'll just deal with it." Which PISSED HER OFF! She texted back that Sorry, I have been completely honest with you about my feelings and where I stand, do you just not want to talk to me until I figure it out? This required another communication clearing phone call. The phone call went ok and I let her know that I was hurt and that I should have kept those feelings to myself and dealt with them on my own, and I shouldn't have pushed them off on her. I picked the kids up as usual on my way home and as soon as I got there she went to give me a hug and said I don't want you to be upset. I stopped her and told her that I owed her an apology. I gave her the full apology and then things were good for us for awhile. Until we got to signing the papers to list our house. I was really upset because it felt like a step towards permanent separation. She was really concerned that I was upset and was even telling me that she doesn't like to see me upset. She asked to sit on my lap to which I replied: "you can't do that. you can't give me false hope if you really don't mean things" So she didn't sit down but put her feet on my thigh when she sat down in another chair and re-iterated the good things from our Tuesday morning coffee which made me feel better. So...

Thursday, Mar 22: My cousin is had a double-masectomy and was in the hospital so I went to see her. I informed my W about this because she has been concerned about her for quite some time. She asked if she should go and I told her if she wanted to she was welcome. She came and we had MORE great friend time together. It is just amazing. She even put her head on my shoulder because she was tired at one point. When that was done she went back to work and I picked up the kids and took them home as usual. When she got home I was getting ready to leave and she said "you're not staying for dinner?" I resonded, "I wasn't invited and didn't want to assume it was ok to invade your space." She then invited me to stay, shortly after she said that I was also invited to stay and watch Grey's Anatomy with her. Made me feel quite good. Before Grey's started, we had some R talk. Not sure how it came up but I think it was because I was sad again about selling the house and her getting an apartment without me. But, we exchanged feelings (we're actually getting good at the communication thing) and she gave me the SECRET to the rest of our relationship! It is such a big SECRET that I feel like I'm now have information I wasn't supposed to have and that now I am cheating (not infidelity but like on a test) my way back into our R. She said she wasn't going to have me back until she was 100% sure she was ready to work on the M. I asked her what that meant to her. She said (secret time) "I need to be sure that I am not going to be hurt again. I am seeing if you can stay away from other women in the lack of sex from me. I am seeing if you keep with your program [SLAA] and keep going to church. I am waiting until I believe that the changes you've made are for real." SO! All I have to do is keep doing exactly what I have been (which I would have no matter what) and eventually she will believe (I hope) that my changes are for good! She even said that she doesn't know if I won't be moving into the apartment with her because it may take two months to sell the house and she MAY be ready to have me move back by then!

SO hard not to get my hopes up! We are going out tonight and tomorrow night so I'm sure I'll have another long post about how that goes. Pray for me and my insecurites tonight.

Thanks for everything,
B