I want to follow up a little more…. Think about the steps needed for successful negotiation. Certain steps need to come in a certain order and those steps should not be too big. For instance, I think your first step should be to have her hear you and acknowledge your POV and that you have certain needs. To be fair, you will have to do the same for her. If this means acknowledging that she descended from giraffes and you descended from jackals, then so be it. It really doesn’t matter. You each need a base position from which to begin negotiation. After all is said and done, neither of you will be anywhere close to your starting points anyway, so it doesn’t really matter. But if you don’t allow her to set her initial position, you can waste too much time arguing before you can even get started, KWIM?
Then try to follow the IMAGO rules for listening and validating each other. You don’t have to agree with one another, but you do have to let each other feel they have been heard. This is very important.
Merging toward a common footing from which the both of you can comfortably operate in the marriage will take a long time and neither of you really know what that place will be. How can you? There are too many issues yet to be brought up. Plus, as each one is uncovered, it can cause all previously settled issues to be re-evaluated. It’s almost like the whole picture changes with each step and nothing comes into focus until the final stone is overturned, but you don’t know where that stone is, what it is covering, or when you will get to it. But when it is turned over, then you “get it.” That stone can have the potential to changed everything else that came before it.
My point is to not get dragged down into intractable POVs that can set the whole process back. Try to keep moving forward even if something is not to your liking. You can always bring it up later, but that issue may also resolve itself. So try not to shed too much blood over little things. Just hold to your boundaries and the ultimate goal, what ever shape that will eventually take.
