I'm rambling, but one thing I took from your posts is this sense that because of your past you now don't deserve more from your relationship. You do. You made the changes. You aren't the person you were back then and you deserve it all. I don't think there is any reason to justify why you shouldn't expect physical intimacy or to excuse her seeming indifference to your needs.
Well I really don't deserve a second chance, but I'm hopefull. See, you can't just smash somebody in the face with a shovel, then apologize, help clean up the mess, promise never to do it again, and turnaround and think you are deserving of another chance. Now she was'nt perfect mind you, but that's HER business, and MY business is in accepting the consequences of my actions. She might never be able to see again through her mangled face, and that's My fault because I swung the shovel.
I don't beat myself up over it, I'm not condemning myself, trust me I have high self esteem. I also have the balls to look myself in the mirror and admit what a prick I was, and still can be sometimes. Maybe she still senses my potential for being a jerk. Maybe she just can't get past the memories of all those shovel beatings I gave her. Maybe by admitting to myself that I'm a sinner, human being and flawed, I'll be able to recognize the opportunity to change and grow. Maybe this is my chance to become someone better, stronger, and more able to love.
Nope, I would'nt trade this struggle for anything. It's just too dam good for me.
God Bless,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
