((((NM)))) Moving an hour away isn't going to fix his boundary issues. And, an hour isn't going to mean much at all if he decides to latch onto you. Nothing you do will fix his boundary issues. Instead, you need to fix your own boundary issues. YOU had him as a GUEST in your home every night you lived in your own apartment. You SHARE your bed in your house in the woods. And so on, blah blah blah...
Anything from a lawyer yet?
If you are just moving an hour away, can you drive the kids to school?
Hmmm, NM - it's a conundrum, isn't it? Obviously the best place in the long run for you is to be near your family and in a big enough town that you can find work etc.
Some practical things to consider: - school - yes, in an ideal world the kids would get to finish out the year. Still, yours are pretty young, right? Do they have cousins their age or close? Maybe getting to go to school with their cousins in the new town would take the sting out of moving.
- safety - if you really fear H going off the deep end and becoming abusive, you need to seriously consider whether you need to move somewhere sheltered or secret first. Do you think it would be safer if you engineered things so that H "thought" he was in control - ie, so he thought he was throwing you out rather than you were leaving? Oddly enough, it might be to your advantage for OW to move in right on the heels of your leaving.
- custody - if you move away, how will you feel about H coming and taking the kids away for a weekend of visitation? thought so. Talk to your lawyer about whether you have enough evidence to keep H from getting unsupervised visitation. If not, find out what you'd need and collect it. If you can get proof of his addiction (perhaps you can subpoena his pharmacy records from all the local pharmacies?) that might help. Ask the lawyer.
- taping - find out what laws apply in your state to taping calls, videotaping his behavior at home, etc. Illegal in some states, legal in others. Might just help you in a "he said she said" situation.
- rehab - is there any leverage to get him into rehab? Can you at least clue in his doctors to the prescription doctoring etc.?
She had requested I bring them as she wanted to speak to D8 in particular, but ended up not doing so. I guess the info I gave her was good enough.
Anyway, she recommended I stay here until the court date which is April 23rd. I believe it's because neither one of us legally have custody of the kids.
She is also going to recommend a mental health evaluation on him. And supervised visitation. She believes with the info I gave her, plus the medications he's on, that the judge will agree. The only one that's probably not going to agree will be SO. He'll probably freak out. Oh well. I guess we'll see.
One thing that bothered me is that she asked me why I stayed so long. Point blank told me "If someone told me he was confused, I'd show him the door." That made me feel bad. And when I'm in that position, when I feel the need to defend myself, I don't do it so very well. And every time I went to open my mouth to say something, I felt like I was about to defend SO somehow...or make excuses for him or something. I didn't like that.
Have I been? I thought by doing things in a different manner, alternative thinking (I.E. Divorce busting) that even if it's different than how someone else would handle it, that it was the right thing to do.
It's a heck of a lot easier for some people to think in theoretical terms, rather than practicality. Point being, she hasn't walked a mile in your shoes. The fact is, at one time, I'd probably would have said the same thing, but once it happens to you, you re-evaluate those thoughts. So, in my humble opinion, her opinion was really uncalled for and unprofessional. She's a lawyer, not a psychologist.
The main thing is, you did what you felt was right for YOU and for your children. That's what counts.
Hope you're feeling better today..... :-)
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Thursday he disappeared, never came home. Same thing Saturday. Left at 10 AM, didn't show up until 1 PM Sunday. Monday night, again, comes to my room, blanket & pillow in hand, begs to sleep next to me. I got so irritated. I laid there for a bit, then just didn't even want to be next to him. He kept feeling me and trying to talk and trying to get me to have sex. I finally got up & watched TV. Then, he actually called out to me about 1/2 hour later asking me to come back to bed.
Tuesday morning, woke to email "FYI, I know you dont much care, but I have the Work thing today, my Psych at 2pm, and my GI Doc will see me at 4. Thanks for last night, I'm in a real tuff spot, mentally and physically"
As it turns it, it was all BS. He worked, then maybe went to the shrink, but no doctor. And never came here that night, either. I woke to a barrage of emails/texts...blah, blah, blah - the guilt was apparent. When he got home, he had his bag with him - so he knew when he left here that morning that he wasn't coming back. I know - none of my business, but I still hate the lies. Like duh - I'm not going to know? And why go through such great lengths. And, then there were the emails saying he's so confused, etc, etc. Then, he calls the doctor right in front of me (the one he supposedly went to) to make an appointment for Friday. WTH?
Anyway, gets home Wednesday and tries to get me to have sex with him. I couldn't believe it. And the endless "talking". I'm having a hard time with it anymore. It all just seems pointless. If all he's going to do is complain about the past; proclaim there's no helping him in the future; push me away with one arm, yet hold on tight with the other - Jeez, I'm gonna get torn in two.
And, OT, you were pretty right on. At one point I said something about what he was going to do when I wasn't around. He replied that he would be around. I said "I don't think so. When we're gone, we're gone. There's no communication unless it's about the kids. I can't do this anymore. " He didn't like that. Asks me "Don't I understand? Don't I know how he feels about me?" No - I don't know. HE doesn't even know - how the hell can I? I wish he would get some better treatment. Stronger drugs, something. He seems to be getting worse and I don't understand what the hell is going on.
He sees me moving out as me leaving him. When in fact, he's the one with the OW; he's the one that's ended our R; he's the one who asked me to move out and handed me a check & told me to get out. I've always been very clear about what I wanted from him. HIM. No OW. Us working on things. And now - him in therapy. He knows all that. He knows how I feel about him. And yet his mind twists it around. There's no way to explain this. It's illogical. It's mental illness.
And then I feel bad. A part of me wants to smack him upside the head (dammit BI-43, where are you with that frying pan???) - knock some logic back into him. I sit here and wonder - he wasn't like this 5 years ago. He's degenerated so much since being involved with this girl. And since his popularity got higher (in his job). Or am I making excuses? I don't even know any more. I haven't been able to think straight.
Wednesday afternoon he had the court thing re: OW's charges. Took his bag again. Tells the kids some lame a$$, I should be back; have to go to work for a while story. I was in the bathroom and knocked on the window when he was outside. After he left, he called and bitched at me - why did I knock at the window? Because he took his bag? I didn't even answer him; gave the phone to D8 and he spoke with her for a bit. He did call again 3-4 times - I didn't pick up. Then he texted that "If I had done something with him today (re:sex) he wouldn't have taken the bag." That literally made me nauseous. Like, I should have had sex with him - then he would have come home. But, since I didn't, then I guess he's going to OW's. Besides, even if I would have sex with him, he probably still would have stayed with her. I mean, duh - he told me she had to meet him at the courthouse. Then a few minutes later, got the next text "All done. Made out ok".
His mind goes in so many different directions all at the same time. I can't even explain this stuff to anyone because I don't think they would believe me. How do you explain that while he's got this girlfriend who he supposedly loves that he literally comes crying to me to sleep with him - both physically and sexually? Or, that he is always wanting to talk. Always. About US. What we did wrong; what we could do differently; what needs to be changed; but yet, no committment to do it or end his R with OW. How do I feel about him; do I want to move out? He loves me - but he doesn't know if it's the right way. If I don't have sex with him he says it's because I have someone else. And I don't love him and never did. If I don't want to talk about things, then it's my fault we never talk. I ignore him; don't want to hear how he feels. On and on and on and on and on.
He never stops. I swear. NEVER. Oh, except for when he takes a frigging valium.
I'm really concerned that the longer you keep yourself in this situation that its likely you'll end up in an asylum yourself. Damn!
....there's a line from a song years ago that goes "you can't talk to a psycho like a normal human being..." For some reason this pops into my head every time I read your posts! I really don't want to belittle the sitch, but it really is so circular and even from the outside....a bit maddening.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
I'm with Rob, NM. Frying pan at the ready. He's obviously NOT a "normal human being" - and I'm all for getting yourself o.u.t. of there. It looks scary as hell from over here. {{{NM}}}
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
....there's a line from a song years ago that goes "you can't talk to a psycho like a normal human being..." For some reason this pops into my head every time I read your posts! I really don't want to belittle the sitch, but it really is so circular and even from the outside....a bit maddening.
Yeah, baby - try living it! LMAO. And, BTW, I absolutely do NOT think you're belitting my sitch. It's just that my sitch has turned into something far more complicated - mental illness. It's part of the reason why I don't post too much. Like with your W and her eating disorder - I know you visit another site more geared towards that. And, BTW, I can't find your story anymore. What's up on your homefront???
Anyway, I guess it's pretty much the reason why I've decided it's best to just get gone. All of the madness makes me crazy. Although I am torn between feeling like I'm abandoning him and just wanting to get the fck out with my sanity intact. I guess that's normal when faced with something like this?
The worst part - if there was no OW; if it was "only" mental issues, I'd likely stick it out, for a little bit longer anyway. I feel like, if he had been diagnosed with cancer or something, would I leave him because of it? And the answer is no. But, this is different. And it's very confusing. Very frustrating. Doesn't seem to be any right answers.
I know you all think I should just get out. And it does look like that's how it's going to be. I know if I were reading this about someone else, I'd probably tell them the same thing. Get out! Run like the wind and never look back. Protect yourself and your kids.
There's just this constant nagging doubt I have. Is it the right thing to do? I feel like no matter which choice I make, it will be the wrong one. I feel like because he's getting professional help now, that may make a difference. Lately he's been opening up to me more about his fears and feelings and all sorts of stuff like he never did before.
Then, there's the flip side - AGAIN. Professional help may not resolve anything. Or will take years. And, this would be a LIFELONG struggle with him. Just like with an alcoholic or drug addict. LIFELONG. That's a scary, scary thought.
Hey, BI, just saw your post. Get your butt up here with that frying pan, honey. You sound like you need a break from your sitch, lol. Wanna switch places for awhile? You straighten out mine, I'll straighten out yours, lol. BTW, that was me posting on your blog about the goals yesterday.
thought so. Talk to your lawyer about whether you have enough evidence to keep H from getting unsupervised visitation. If not, find out what you'd need and collect it. If you can get proof of his addiction (perhaps you can subpoena his pharmacy records from all the local pharmacies?) that might help. Ask the lawyer.