Sorry for not posting anything sooner today, and it is late right now and I am exhausted, so will post more tomorrow, but wanted to check in and say THANK YOU for all of your advice.
Lin, PLEASE keep sticking in there with me! You have been there with me for me through so many of my meltdowns and have given me so much strength and courage, and I'm so sorry if I have not made you feel appreciated and that your advice and help has meant so much to me. PLEASE KEEP HELPING ME!
Quick updates:
1.) Had session with local therapist again this morning - went away from it with mixed emotions. Will discuss more later. Most concerning is that she has told me at both sessions now that she sees "little hope" that H and I can work through this. Has defeated me a bit and wasn't sure how to handle it...
2.) Had session with DB coach later tonight, and IT WENT GREAT! I felt encouraged, supported, and had a renewed sense of strength and determination after speaking with her. Went really well, and she gave me so much to think about.
3.) Had a business meeting with an associate and H tonight. Avoided H most of the day. H called me earlier in the day - I let it go to voicemail. H called later in the day and kept me on the phone longer than normal. After meeting tonight, I purposefully walked straight towards my car out the door of our meeting. He started walking towards my car (away from his) and said "give me a hug" (what?) Didn't make a big deal out of it and gave him a quick hug, and he said "thanks, babe" or something like that. I think he might have even kissed me on the cheek (don't remember - took me by surprise that he ASKED ME for a hug - where did THAT come from??? God help me to understand this whole mess...) I think I just said "thanks" real quick and darted for my car and sped off. I know this seems small and silly probably, but please understand how NOT NORMAL this is for how he has been acting/treating me lately. He's strictly been "friends/business associates." He hasn't asked me for a hug in I don't know how long, and it was "different" this time. I actually felt some emotion in the hug, if that makes sense? Again, I know you're probably thinking this seems silly, but it was just so different from how our R has been lately...
So I'm getting on the main road to drive home, and H calls me on the phone and starts chit-chatting with me about out meeting and what he did today, etc., again, keeping me on the phone way longer than he ever does. We talked for a half hour! No R talk, but he brought up a few different things about future plans for our business (NOT provoked by me at ALL - HE brought all of the items up). Again, I just played along in the conversation and "acted as if..." I could feel myself sometimes talking too much and being chatty and was conscious of this and PURPOSELY SHUT UP and let there be silence until he said something. A lot of times when I do that he'll get off the phone with me, but he kept bringing new things up.
I felt some sort of something different from him, but maybe it's just me being hopeful again. But I played it cool, didn't overreact to his gestures, and tried to just be me. I worked hard to be laid back and fun at our meeting. We both had a few drinks, but I don't feel like he was drunk by any means at all, but maybe he was just more talkative and nice to me because of the alcohol??? Who knows. I can't control him or try to figure out what he's thinking/doing or why. I can only control me, so I just concentrated on that.
I'm also working on now not getting too excited/overreacting to his kindness tonight - need to work on slowing down that never-ending roller coaster - just trying to reflect on what I may have done differently today that may have provoked these positive behaviors today so that I can work on repeating them.
I have to get some sleep but just want you to know that I'M GOING TO DO THIS. I'll post more relating to your individual posts tomorrow or over the weekend, but please hang in there with me and know that you ALL are helping me more than I can express in words. I had a meltdown today after my first therapy session and was feeling so down again - I just logged on and read your posts and felt strong again. I know I need to just let H go - just for now - and work on ME, and I'm going to do it...
