Valentines day massacre

[outtaluck]

Soo, why can't I keep my fool mouth shut?? She was nice to me today (in that "civil" way) took me to cash my last check, pay the electric, cooked dinner. So the phone rings, and I know its OM, and she says she's going out...so I go "say hi to your boyfriend for me" WTF am I thinking...like I need to piss her off more...
She says "he's not my boyfriend" and I'm like "whatever..." Jeez, shutup already... She does this everynight..so I should be used to it... I was a little PO'd because I found out she went to see him in a bar and left D in car...Yeah, D is 19, but I don't think she should involve them in her escapades....but she doesn't know I know...didn't say anything...overheard D talking to her BF...really was accidentally. Its like everyone knows but me...but I do know...wierd

So here I am, a couple beers and tears later...

Thanks LN for the ideas...she's not into counselling at this point..just wants a clean break...wish I could for me as well. I hesitate to do the LRT at this point, I kinda believe her when she says its only a friendship...maybe because I want to... but I know that its coming soon...I think that once I'm out of here things will be easier between us....it is hard knowing she's out with OM (calling him a man is hard, how about POS...LOL)

Yeah, I been looking at the want ads...most want some kind of certification for software anything, not to mention exp...

Not a vet, so no help there...

I'm telling ya, when I dig a hole for myself, I dig deep.

Meanwhile, I'm putting some stuff on ebay for a little scratch...

I was thinking of sep bedrooms...actually as a way for me not to move out....there is a room here with sep entrance...told her she would not ever even see me unless she wanted...but she said not now...maybe in the future...(yeah, right) Was worth a shot...its gonna be hard for her financially...

Yeah, I get to massage her....but she wears this thick terry cloth robe (for her back??) so its not alot of skin on skin....I work my way in..hehe...but I know its like chasing bubbles...they gonna pop anyway... Still, like I said, its the only connection I have left...and I don't do it because I think it'll change her in any way...totally selfish....just feels so good to be close to her...still sleep holding her and sometimes I wake up and she's holding me. I know its only crumbs...but I'm a hungry man :-)

I told her when we were shopping that I would like to make love to her one last time before I leave....leave with a nice memory...she wasn't entirely against it...she said it might be hard for me, but I said I can handle it if she can....Kinda hoping it digs up some feelings for her...my luck it'll be the most awkward, anxiety filled experience since losing my virginity...if it even happens.

This weekend we got to take D17 to tour college...that shouldn't be too awkward. Hard to put on a happy face sometimes... but I will...and when we get home she'll run to OM and it'll drive me nuts... But I'll get through

Ever just feel like saying F the whole deal....like who needs this crap...why should I put up with this, no matter what I did...where is my spine? Those thoughts come alot...then those I love her thoughts come and I'm sure it's gonna be worth it somehow...

They say that anger is a step up from depression...maybe its a good sign? Sill a long climb up that ladder to happiness...

Thanks for being here LN...I have been going through yours and alot of other posts and I'm gaining alot of wisdom...still, alot of stuff here touches a nerve and just gets me bawling sometimes... And all I'm learning...I still go and screw up...doh!!

Cheers