My 15 year old does not visit her dad, because he doesn't have an apartment. The 18 year old is at college. He has a construction business that has office areas as well as a shop area. He has converted one of the empty offices into a bedroom area. Really the only time they see each other is when he comes to the house, which now will probably be less since he has stated again that we should get a divorce. He has not brought up divorce since Nov. During the entire 5 months that we have been separated he has taken her out 3 times. He has called the 18 year old once this week and the 15 year old none. Both of them are very disappointed in him, especially the 18 year old. He called her Tues. night. She said she didn't even want to answer the phone. She said she made the excuse that she couldn't talk to him because she had a big test coming up Thurs. and she really needed to go study for it. She is more bitter at her dad than I am. She has begged me not to consider ever getting back with him. She doesn't like how he has sat the fence for 5 months and the OW deal. She said that when he is around it's like we are all very uncomfortable and walking on egg shells. I've told her that he is her dad and she should have a relationship with him. She said I don't even like to come home when I know he will be there. The sad thing about this whole mess is that he keeps saying "It's not about the girls, it's about us." He is right it is about us, but he doesn't seem to see or care about the impact it has on our daughters. I have assured both girls that he does and always will love them.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
Well, focus on your girls and yourself. It would be nice if he could take the younger girl out to dinner once or twice a week. Could you get him to do this? Convince the younger one that both her and dad could benefit from special time together. She still needs her father and maybe you can point out that parents aren't always perfect. Dad is going through a difficult time in his life. You could even talk about different stages of life like MLC, and even through not all men go through this in the same way, some do and they need time and distance to figure their lives. Also, aging can cause depression. Having some special time with the kids might help his depression. Even if when we don't know what's going to happen and where the future leads, it's good to try and stay somewhat together as a family.
The 18-year-old is an adult so she can make her own decision when and where she wants to see her dad. It may take her awhile, but hopefully she'll learn to forgive him. The hardest thing is the kids and I know from being there myself as a young woman (my parents were divorced), and then seeing my own kids go through it. I'm also seeing it with friends. It's painful to "lose" a dad. So the more you can keep him in their lives the better for them. Flaws and all.
As for yourself, you just GAL and take care of you. Disconnect from him, don't contact him, and just move on with your life and be as positive and nice as possible. Have you developed any interesting hobbies? Considered any great vacations for the spring and summer? Start planning an AWESOME summer for yourself, with your daughters, and maybe a "girl's" trip to Vegas, or somewhere else, with some girlfriends (let the 18-year-old watch the younger one for a few days).
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Root, Thanks for the input. I too have wondered if he is going through a MLC or depression. When he decided to leave, he said he had been unhappy for 3 years although he never tried to discuss this with me. He did retreat to the bedroom at night to watch tv instead of spending time with the family. That was one of his complaints that he was always in the bedroom staring at the four walls and no one cared if he was there or not. I asked him who made him go to the room. When he would come over during our separation I would always try to engage him in conversation. He spent the night at the house several nights and I would always make sure that if he went to bed early I also went. He says he has tried, but he just doesn't have feelings for me. I am going to stay dark for my own sanity.
As far as spending time with our youngest daughter he never calls her and invites her to do things. Right now she is so put out with him she doesn't want to call him. I told her the other day you know he loves you and I hugged her. She said I'm alright, he never calls me anyways.
It is spring break and luckily both of my girls have the same one. I will enjoy my girls and do what they want to do. We will spend quality time together.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
Today I had to go to work, but my youngest daughter was out of school. My H called me about 7 to see if he needed to bring her lunch. I told him no, because she had spent the night with a friend. He said okay I was just trying to make sure everytthing was taken care of. We talked a little about older daughter coming home from college today for spring break. Okay my question. Why didn't he just wait and call youngest daughter on her cell later? Was an it excuse to call me? Or was he trying to make me think he was a good dad taking care of her? When I answered the phone I kept my voice upbeat and was pleasant on the phone without talking about us. Detachment!
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
It doesn't matter why. What matters is the positive interaction between the two of you. Good work. Make each interaction count but try not to get caught up in analyzing every action.
Good point by SingleAgain, don't analyze everything and keep doing what you're doing (and stay upbeat and positive). Don't worry about motives he may not even know what he's trying to do. My guess here is he is one very confused guy. Keep the space and detach for your sanity. You'll be amazed at how good you will begin to feel about yourself with GALing and PMA.
If he calls again about doing something for the girls suggest an alternative thing he can do... like bringing lunch on another day or taking daughter to someplace. The more you keep him involved with the kids, the healthier they will be. Even though it's hard not to want their personal support, and feel just a wee bit good about their outrage over his crummy behavior (you certainly don't want them thinking what he's done is right or excusable), but somehow you want them to have a connection to him even if they don't approve of his current behavior. It's a tough place to be. I'm wondering if some of the distancing from the girls is because you're husband feels a lot of shame about what he has done. Sometimes it's really difficult for people to think they can come back once they've gone so far. The shame can be so strong that even reassurance isn't enough. Again, time and space for healing is the best thing if this were the case. (But not space from the kids! Interaction with them would be good. Especially for the girls... it may also be the first step towards getting courage to come back. But don't count on that! At this point you have to detach and have no expectations of him returning).
Yes, it does sound like there's a strong possiblity of MLC and depression based on what you've shared on this site. Also, pretty typical for his age.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Well, its seems like everytime I give him space he comes around. Saturday my daughter's cell phone rang. She answered it and handed it to me. It was my husband. He asked what I was doing? I said I was eating lunch. He said he had tried to call me, but got no answer. I told him I had gone to get lunch and must have missed the call. I later checked my cell phone and I had a missed call from him on there, ha, must have made him wonder if I was ignoring him. He wanted to know where I wanted him to put some things that he got out of storage. He brought them over, and we unloaded it. Then we had to go back and get the other load. It was things that we had in storage from a long time ago and we now have room because we built a large shop behind our house. It was toys that we had saved for the kids and other things. We went through some of them and it was quite sentimental. He was very friendly. I told him I needed to clean out the flower beds, and he said he would help me. He talked more Saturday than he had talked in a while. He kept finding more things that needed to be done outside. He even asked me if I had plans, because he said he would do other things if I didn't. So we ended up working in the yard about 5 hours. Maybe I shouldn't have but I let him spend the night. I figure he is my husband and that there is a bond between us when we make love. I did not bring up anything about us. He kept talking about all of the changes in me. I will not call him. I will let him call me. He probably thinks I will call him since he spent the night. I will admit in the past when he spent the night I got a little clingy, but this time I will let him think of me. Oh yeah, we burned some branches in the yard and our clothes got very smoky. I told him to leave them here and I would wash them for him, I figured he would object, but he didn't. Usually he makes sure he takes everything with him, when I offer to wash something for him. This was the first time I had seen him in a week.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
I'm watching your posts. The more you detatch and be mysterious and inaccessible, the more he chases you. Notice I didn't say be distant and nasty. Detachment is sexy. When he does talk to you, YOU control the conversation. You play with his head. You getting him to a red-hot boil, then end the conversation.
When you asked him to divorce you, you scared him and he backed down.
You see? When you chase him, he runs. When you are demure and mysterious and sexy, you attract him.
