This is where it starts to fall apart. I'm not so sure MrsHD will believe a word HD says about any of his "power." All talk and no action maybe?
Like I mentioned to Nop, I think there are several ways to wage this battle. HD needs to decide what he wants to do, but I think a full frontal confrontation (get those images out of your mind!) will not work. Plus I don’t think it best to make her even more defensive. They have been civil to one another on the surface. This is her charade. If HD wants to keep communicating in writing, which I think is important, then he can apply the pressure there and let the charade of civility continue a little longer. Eventually she will blow, but I think waging a war of steady, relentless pressure (not too strong to create a fight) might work. That is just what Nop described using in his M.
I did the same, though I wasn’t so civil at times. I don’t think each particular fight bothered my wife so much, but taken in whole, with one after the other, with no seeming end to them, they took their toll on her and she slowly began to listen a little closer to my message, try to understand what I was saying, and make changes on her end. At first, I think it was for no other reason than to get me to shut up and go away, which was fine. It allowed me to show her another side of myself if she could be cooperative. That was pressure, no doubt, from my side. It was not control however, because she could walk, but she sure felt like I was trying to control her.
Ultimately she had to face her own choice of whether to stay or go. Once I thought she made that choice, I knew she had come around to accepting my power due to her own reluctance to leave the M (but isn’t that what most “normal people already understand in an R? Duh!!)
What I had a hard time struggling with on this board is that I wanted her to commit to the marriage out of choice, and not pressure, yet without the pressure, she would not commit. Nor would she cooperate or even consider my views, because she didn’t have to. Remember that I mentioned to Heather once that faith also comes into play. I believe there was a lot of fear from her FOO that simply made it too scary for her to trust anyone, especially a man. So without trust, she kept one foot out the door, and tended to see everything from a pessimistic viewpoint, that my main objective was to control and subjugate her.
The dilemma I had is that I WAS trying to control her, at least on the surface, in order to rebalance the marriage. It is that same problem MrsCAC4 talks about. My wife heard me but she didn’t “get it.” She didn’t “get it” because she chose to keep on the blinders that she needed to maintain her defenses. So once she saw those defenses were not working for her, and that I would continue to pressure her no matter what, she had to find another way of dealing with the pressure I was putting on her. That way was to talk openly and honestly. I kept offering that carrot to her and reluctantly she began to pick it up. That was Stage 1.
So now I think we are getting comfortable with boundaries, respect for each other, holding onto ourselves, which is creating a safer environment. This is slowly building trust and respect. I think it needs more time to stew. This is stage 2.
Stage 3 will be pushing for more intimacy and vulnerability to create the emotional conditions to rebuild love, or at least that is my game plan for now. I hope this helps put into perspective what I have been doing and why, and why I am making the recommendations to HD that I have.
