Hi all; Obviously I havent been around for ages...I need to get back and at least journal...piecing is still an ongoing process. Sooooo many issues still to deal with. If I had responded a week ago to your question about "how are you getting on these days", livnlearn, I would have said great, fantastic, "we made it"...today is a real dip in the road, though, and I'm not entirely sure how much is "just me" and how much is "real"...my eternal question, it seems. I've had a week of sleepless nights, H claims I am keeping him awake, and is really grumpy and irritable. Truth be known, I'm not sure who is keeping who awake. Part of it is work stress, part of it is menopause for me, part of it is that my younger brother was diagnosed with lymphoma around 1st of year, is not doing well...not responding to chemo, and I've never seen anyone get so ill so fast. I am not doing well with it. kids are having a tough time with it, and I believe it has set of some more of h's mlc "stuff"...he is actually angry about it. H is back to pissing and moaning about everything again...which is like an instant replay of "monster days" (the a), I tend to go down fast. Interestingly, just last week he asked me to go with him to an out-of-town workshop, we went over night, and had a really good time. Maybe, I hope and pray, this is just a glitch. monster still torments by showing up at church when we're there. I have to believe that is why she does it. H swears there is no contact, I havent cked the phone bill, although he did show me the last one, and there were no calls on it....her supervisor here at work is leaving, supervisor was the "go to" that made it possible for h to get his work done with that department without contact w/monster. I am on edge this time of year anyway, because this is about when they started up again last year. So his irritability really sets me off. Plus I've found myself feeling pretty emotional and resentful this past week: weepy and sometimes asking myself "why the hell am i doing all this"... I may have made myself worse today by reading back through our old emails--I know it's stupid, but I have about 5 years worth saved in a file--and it actually is a pretty acurate and interesting chronicle of our relationship over that time. If you can stand to read it. what i saw was eye-opening. I could see that i would reach out to him, pretty tentatively, in emails and be rebuffed/discounted by him. it was like i was trying to make conversation/engage him, and he wouldnt do it. this was in 2002. I know somewhere though I have some from 99 and I dont' think he was that way as much. so, kind of a timeline there, and considering that monster came on the scene in fall of '02, that's interesting. I believe the emails start earlier that year,so it shows that he was "ripe" for the picking when she came along. it's also obvious in some that he's just plain pushing me away when he's involved with her, and then I can tell when the trouble in paradise starts, basically because he starts asking me to bring him home a beer at night...funny, I always thought that was a clue, especially when he'd say "I'm going to need one". I dont' hear him saying that now. A hard part is that I can also see, in cold hard black and white, when/where/how much he was lying to me. maybe that's not good, to be able to just go back and look at it and know how blatant the lies were, because it makes it that much harder to ever trust. But then how do you trust someone who continually betrays it, over and over?
I guess in a way it's good to see that i really WASNT the cold uncaring bitch he claimed drove him to monster.
OH, yeah, something else that I guess is subconciously bugging me...I read back through my threads, and saw where last year on memorial day weekend, we had a big argument, and part of it was around him talking about taking her fishing. Lord, of all things...but even had a discussion w/dfb & ellie & maybe some others here about it. So, Dang, I finally figured out part of why something I saw recently on the net was bugging me...guess who's looking for a new fishing partner? yepper, the ol'm herself used that as her come-on line in her new yahoo personals thing. If you have a morbid curiosity, you can read all about it here: http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/profil...name=&frmsrch=1
Ain't she grand?????
livnlearn, you poor thing, arent you sorry you asked how I've been?
Ellie, any wise words about lymphoma? evidently my brothers is folicular, but the specialist he just visited said it also shows signs of an additional type, kind of a mutant. He's been treated with Rituxin (sp?)
