Bless you all, thank you so much for your support. I havent been around for a month, and then when I stop by, here you all are. I truly still don't know what I'd have done if I hadnt found this board. Well, to update a bit. I believe we are in a better, calmer place. After the last phone escapade, we seem to have perhaps finally moved on. For good I hope. I did recheck the records after that, and found that he had made a 35 minute call to her cell...then the numerous 1-minute calls, then the 7-8 minute one....H insisted that she had asked him to call her, she had information he needed (the dummy!) so when he called, it was all about kids and her not being happy and personal stuff. he said "what are we doing here"...and they got into a big fight...again...she started in with her stuff that only way she would ever want to see him again was on her doorstep with divorce papers in hand, but that they could "be friends" at work...h said he thought about it a couple of days, decided that no, it wasnt what he wanted...and that the last phone call was to tell her no contact, professional or otherwise. And yes, I do see the irony of calling her to tell her that!!!! sheesh. H commented that "it's like a dark veil drops over my life whenever she's involved in it in any way"...this must be what I was noticing when in my posts i mentioned how weird he'd been. H swears there is no contact, work or otherwise, and that he discovered that he can just contact the person in charge of the dept. for what he needs medically for clients. monster had always told him this person (her supervisor) didnt work on some days. h found out that was inaccurate from his own supervisor. huh, imagine that, the sweet thing lied. We attended an out of town office party and some family get togethers over christmas. It was nice. Had 20 people from "my side" at our home day after christmas, with about 5 days notice. h was cheerful and patient the whole time. H commented that when he has any contact/involvement with her, he is "disconnected from what's going on here"....uh, yeah, duh....but still for him to be seeing that and commenting on it is a big thing, I think. Also, H has said that the receptionist in the out of town office hates monster and won't let her through to him on the phone, that's why she was always giving him ultimatums about getting a cell phone. Also, the female coworker there would join forces with the receptionist to head off monster because she hates her so much. monster does keep showing up at church when she knows we will be there...this past saturday evening, we were sitting in the pew about 20 minutes before service began, and H commented that he thought we'd be safe...she would be out of town to get her D...I looked up past him, and who is proudly walking down the center aisle but good ole monster...I looked at h, rolled my eyes, and glanced in her direction, laughing...he rolled his eyes back at me and shook his head. she had to have seen it.
I am working constantly to remind myself that there is nothing the tramp can do that is worth my time and energy to worry about, nothing. Even if h were to leave, what she does is not worth my energy to react to...I need to keep focusing on doing what I need to do for me, my family, for our R/M...for H. NOT in response to anything she does or doesnt do.
We finally got a pool table for a family xmas gift...talked about it last year, but never got around to doing it. this means that we need to get a lot of "stuff" moved out of the basement, and H tackled it with gusto....it's nearly done...this is something he'd have never done before.
We took off the week after Christmas, and it was in many ways the nicest holiday we've had in many years, because it was peaceful, calm and loving. I thought several times how nice it was to finally have my H back, and of the miserable christmases we've sometimes had in the past, with fights and such sadness. There is some terrible sadness though, my 43 yo brother was diagnosed with lymphoma 3 days after xmas. I'm afraid it is very advanced, although we're awaiting results of biopsy/MRI's. I was so sad the morning after I found out, that I didnt even get out of bed till almost noon, just tearful and blown away. 2X that morning H came into the bedroom, hugged me, and laid down on bed beside me, kissed me and said ILY....asked if I was ok... I couldnt help but think how different that was than other times. Even at thanksgiving, when he was making the calls to monster, he seemed preoccupied.
oh yeah, he also commented that she claims to have never gone after a married man before, but h said that she was carrying on with 3 married guys with a webcam on a "sex site"...h's comment was "I'll bet their wives would say they were being cheated on"...
he also commented that "you just can't go on like that, you have to have some way to get it off your chest" (meaning the a)when I mentioned having seen a letter in the newspaper advice column where a w was given her h's old cell phone by him, and found text messages to a coworker saying ILY and all kinds of stuff...of course the h called her a snoop, etc.....my comment was "he had to have wanted to be caught" and h agreed "he probably did" and made the above comment. gotta run, will try to catch up some tomorrow.
Havent posted in ages, thought I'd drop back by and see what's going on...wow, is the site different. not sure how much I like it, but then I'm not very computer literate. H and I are actually doing ok, I believe. Of course, everytime I post that, I seem to "jinx" myself. I will try to get back to post more later...I find I do benefit a lot just from journaling here to keep track of things. someday when I feel really brave, I need to go back through my old posts - lord knows there a lot of them - to look at the path we've been down. I'm kinda scared to right now though, it's still pretty painful.
Hi all; Obviously I havent been around for ages...I need to get back and at least journal...piecing is still an ongoing process. Sooooo many issues still to deal with. If I had responded a week ago to your question about "how are you getting on these days", livnlearn, I would have said great, fantastic, "we made it"...today is a real dip in the road, though, and I'm not entirely sure how much is "just me" and how much is "real"...my eternal question, it seems. I've had a week of sleepless nights, H claims I am keeping him awake, and is really grumpy and irritable. Truth be known, I'm not sure who is keeping who awake. Part of it is work stress, part of it is menopause for me, part of it is that my younger brother was diagnosed with lymphoma around 1st of year, is not doing well...not responding to chemo, and I've never seen anyone get so ill so fast. I am not doing well with it. kids are having a tough time with it, and I believe it has set of some more of h's mlc "stuff"...he is actually angry about it. H is back to pissing and moaning about everything again...which is like an instant replay of "monster days" (the a), I tend to go down fast. Interestingly, just last week he asked me to go with him to an out-of-town workshop, we went over night, and had a really good time. Maybe, I hope and pray, this is just a glitch. monster still torments by showing up at church when we're there. I have to believe that is why she does it. H swears there is no contact, I havent cked the phone bill, although he did show me the last one, and there were no calls on it....her supervisor here at work is leaving, supervisor was the "go to" that made it possible for h to get his work done with that department without contact w/monster. I am on edge this time of year anyway, because this is about when they started up again last year. So his irritability really sets me off. Plus I've found myself feeling pretty emotional and resentful this past week: weepy and sometimes asking myself "why the hell am i doing all this"... I may have made myself worse today by reading back through our old emails--I know it's stupid, but I have about 5 years worth saved in a file--and it actually is a pretty acurate and interesting chronicle of our relationship over that time. If you can stand to read it. what i saw was eye-opening. I could see that i would reach out to him, pretty tentatively, in emails and be rebuffed/discounted by him. it was like i was trying to make conversation/engage him, and he wouldnt do it. this was in 2002. I know somewhere though I have some from 99 and I dont' think he was that way as much. so, kind of a timeline there, and considering that monster came on the scene in fall of '02, that's interesting. I believe the emails start earlier that year,so it shows that he was "ripe" for the picking when she came along. it's also obvious in some that he's just plain pushing me away when he's involved with her, and then I can tell when the trouble in paradise starts, basically because he starts asking me to bring him home a beer at night...funny, I always thought that was a clue, especially when he'd say "I'm going to need one". I dont' hear him saying that now. A hard part is that I can also see, in cold hard black and white, when/where/how much he was lying to me. maybe that's not good, to be able to just go back and look at it and know how blatant the lies were, because it makes it that much harder to ever trust. But then how do you trust someone who continually betrays it, over and over?
I guess in a way it's good to see that i really WASNT the cold uncaring bitch he claimed drove him to monster.
OH, yeah, something else that I guess is subconciously bugging me...I read back through my threads, and saw where last year on memorial day weekend, we had a big argument, and part of it was around him talking about taking her fishing. Lord, of all things...but even had a discussion w/dfb & ellie & maybe some others here about it. So, Dang, I finally figured out part of why something I saw recently on the net was bugging me...guess who's looking for a new fishing partner? yepper, the ol'm herself used that as her come-on line in her new yahoo personals thing. If you have a morbid curiosity, you can read all about it here: http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/profil...name=&frmsrch=1
Ain't she grand?????
livnlearn, you poor thing, arent you sorry you asked how I've been?
Ellie, any wise words about lymphoma? evidently my brothers is folicular, but the specialist he just visited said it also shows signs of an additional type, kind of a mutant. He's been treated with Rituxin (sp?)
wow. I was blitzing around trying to find out what's been happening with folks, and came across Michele TW's blog. Probably everyone but me has seen it, but it somehow really struck a note with me today, must be what the cosmos ordered. Helped me feel calmer and more centered....I can't help but recall the title of one of Sage's threads from way back "When the Student is Ready the Teacher Appears" (or something similar)
link here (maybe?)http://mwcoachingblog.blogspot.com/
Way cool, Michele, hope you don't mind my posting it here.
Had an email from H saying he was leaving the out of town office, and would stop by mine for a quick hug before heading home, and he commented that "it's been an interesting day"....makes me wonder "what's up" since I havent heard much from him.
I may have made myself worse today by reading back through our old emails
Gee, ya think?????? We all do it sometimes, but the result is NEVER a good mood!
So sorry to hear about your brother's lymphoma. Here's one (rather convoluted) chain of thought for you, so bear with me:
- Remember how I suggested your son should be tested for celiac disease (gluten intolerance) because of the association (5%) with Type I diabetes?
Well - predisposition to autoimmune diseases, especially celiac disease, runs in families.
Celiac disease is also known to increase your risk of various lymphomas, including the type your brother has. One reference states 44% of lymphoma patients have one or more types of autoimmunity.
The obvious (though unproven) corollary here is, if someone with lymphoma has undiagnosed celiac disease, would a gluten-free diet improve their chances of recovery - or is it too late once the cancer has started? No one knows the answer.
If it were me, personally, here's what I would do: - have brother get checked for celiac antibodies (FULL panel, including anti-gliadin IgG and IgA as well as anti-ttg and anti-emsa). - AFTER blood tests are drawn, have brother start a gluten-free diet (and casein-free too, for good measure, as there is some secondary milk intolerance in many cases of celiac disease). (Even if antibodies are negative, there is some small chance of gluten sensitivity being overlooked, and the stakes are high). - have yourself and your son checked for celiac antibodies as well.
BTW, the drug he is on has been pretty revolutionary in the treatment of non-Hodgkins lymphomas, has really improved the outcomes.
Hugs.
As for H - what is there to say? His usual response to stress, tension, or anything distracting your attention from him, seems to be the same. I know it's hard, but perhaps make an extra effort to give him some quality time, and/or simply let him know what CONCRETE thing he could do to make you feel better ("H, I'm sad today about my brother, I could really use one of your extra-special hugs").
thanks Ellie, I've printed off the info, and will send it to his oncologist. I don't know how much he knows, although bro. did have an appointment in Omaha last week with a Lymphoma specialist there; can't remember the guys name at the moment. I believe they are planning to change his chemo, but don't know what as of yet. Interesting, and scary, about the celiac disease. S has another dr. appt next week, I will discuss it again, at the time I brought it up, dr. suggested waiting. I have an appt 4/10, so I will mention it then. Bro. did have asthma as a child...thinking autoimmune connection. I've also read about the genetic component of follicular lymphoma, which I never had reason to think of/about till now, however, it is very easy to trace in my family...both of my mothers siblings had lymphoma, although I don't know what type, and one of her maternal aunts. Guess we know where this most likely came from. Of course bone marrow transplantation is an item of discussion, but I don't know what the odd are my sister or i would be suitable donors. minute, I would guess. He is getting so sick so fast, I dont' know if there will even be time.
As for H, I suppose (actually, I know, sigh) you're right about H's need for attention skyrocketing whenever anything else comes up....and that I should try to do some "extra"...which I will. But for God's sake, the big baby, the temptation is to kick his butt. I wish somebody along the way (besides me) had mentioned to him that sometimes the world can't revolve around him.
on a more reassuring note re: affair relapse, when I got to work last Monday, H was outside in the parking lot waiting by his car for the coworker who rides over with him so he wouldn't have to see monster. a far cry from the days he used to rush in to see her before the crowd arrived.
