Yes, it is tit-for-tat. But so far HD has not engaged in tat-for-tat.
That's true. He doesn't. My thinking is that it still wouldn't really help the M though.
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She tits (you know what I mean) and his tat is to walk away or back down.
Lol. Too much talk of boobies lately. It's MJ's fault. And yes, his tat is uneffective.
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The 180 is standing up to her and letting her understand that he has power too, and can exercise it.
This is where it starts to fall apart. I'm not so sure MrsHD will believe a word HD says about any of his "power." All talk and no action maybe? I don't know. It's just a hunch. She seems like the type of person who no matter what you say and how you may appear to be taking back power, she will always call the bluff. And then what? The exact opposite ends up happening, she gains even more power in the R. She has conditioned HD to do this from way back. Everytime he caves, she gains strength. That's why I'm saying a drastic approach may be the only way to go now.
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You are confusing two issues. I am not preaching to HD on how to get a loving marriage. I am talking about restoring balance and respect. That includes a certain amount of “fear” for one another, knowing that each person has choices and that s/he does not have to put up with an abusive situation. Or maybe that is better called respect for each other’s boundaries.
I'm not comfortable with separating the respect issue with the love issue in a M. I think I see your point but it may as well be a parent-child R. And thus, the obvious result: a SSM.
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Anyway, that has nothing to do with love per se, but I don’t think love can endure without it. There is still more unfinished work in my M. Until those issues are resolved, I do not see how we can have true vulnerability and therefore intimacy and love. That part is stage 3 of the growth of my marriage.
Only you can figure out how best to handle your M. I think you make a good point about VULNERABILITY though. I think that is critical to a strong intimate M, including a loving sexual R. Your harsh approach, which I understand in terms of building the respect and boundaries in your M, is lacking in enough vulnerability. You say you need to build the respect BEFORE the vulnerability can occur but I'm not so sure about that. I think they can go hand in hand and probably should. Maybe that is why you say yourM is lacking love. I cannot imagine loving someone and not being vulnerable to them. Maybe that is the "fear" piece you were talking about. Anyways, I hope you get to that vulnerable, loving stage of your M Cobra. LFL
