I will comment more later, as I have to get out the door here, but I wanted to ask a real quick question about the business, as that has been on my mind more and more. Wanted to get your thoughts before I talk to therapist(s) today.
I know I've asked you this before, and you've told me to "act as if" and just keep on going as if nothing has changed with our business. Well, I've been thinking about it more and more and wanted to revisit it with you to see if you have the same opinions now.
First, real quick, when he and I talked the other night before the parents' trip, he talked about splitting all of our properties up. I did not tell him this, but MY preference if it comes to that would be to SELL what we have, split the proceeds, and then we both have a nest egg to start over. I have no desire for HER to ever be involved with a house that WE built together that was a part of OUR dreams, etc. I don't want to drive by a house that I let HIM have and feel the sting. Maybe these are feelings that will pass and maybe they aren't right to feel, but I just feel like these are all things that he and I built together, and I don't want to just give half of them to him. It feels more right in my heart to have a formal "end" to those items and each of us start from scratch from there. Will that suck? Absolutely. But for me, it's what my heart is telling me - at least for now.
Please don't misunderstand - by no means am I getting ready to throw in the towel. I'm far from that. The business thing just keeps eating at me...
So, I need to refinance a bunch of houses right now, and H is in the process of looking for more real estate to buy. In theory, if done as before, both of these activities involve us both having ownership (even though I have control of the ownership) of the properties.
I am having a really hard time with going to the office everyday and putting on my smiley face (I know it's my choice and I want to do that for the sake of our marriage) and making everything just "come together" for our business, just to go home "by myself" and be hurting so much inside knowing that he he going to be with someone else. I just don't know if I WANT to contribute to doing things that make him (and potentially someone else) happy. It's not that I don't WANT him to be happy - that's the furthest from the truth. But I almost feel myself feeling like, "you know, H, if you're choosing to quit on our personal life, fine, but don't expect me to just keep giving my all to the business while you do this." ... He's got everything he could possibly want! The good little wifie on one side making his financial dreams a reality and the good little whatever on the other side for whatever else. Part of my point is, IF HE CONTINUES TO HAVE THIS DONE FOR HIM, why in the world would he EVER want to come home? Does he need to get a taste of what it WOULD be like to NOT have me around to just continue on with my part of the business? I don't know... I'm just venting, so bear with me. I just hurt every day working on the business when my heart is tearing in two - I don't enjoy what I'm doing anymore, and I hate that. And it makes me angry that he just gets to clobber my heart and then expect me to just carry on. I'm just trying to work through these feelings, i guess, so thanks for letting me vent.
So I'm wondering if it would be better for me to just tell H that we should concentrate on finishing up the projects that we are working on right now and then see where we're at at that point, that if he finds something he thinks we should buy then he can buy it himself in his own name... I kind of eluded to that the other night. He said he thought I had just as much of a right to all of the "leads" he is working on right now and didn't I want to be a part of it? With tears flowing down my cheeks, I shook my head "no." He then got tears in his eyes and told me to go get our real estate portfolio and we'll just get this over with and figure out splitting everything up now. Of course I said, no, that that's not what I wanted.
My point is that he seems to just think we can go on buying real estate together and refinancing together, yada, yada, and if my end result if this doesn't work out involves selling everything, why should we make it more messy? And why do I want to keep doing everyhing I can to make his life so damn easy? I KNOW he's working equally as hard to keep our business going well during our "crisis," and I truly am so appreciative of that. But it's EASY for him - he doesn't have a hard time throwing himself into his work when he's dealing with something personal. Me? My concentration level is horrible. And I know 1210 said that is a conscious choice, and I'm trying, but I just don't find that I have the energy - the desire - the patience - whatever it is, to want to do it. I hate that I don't love my work anymore, that I feel my dreams that I've worked so hard for slipping through my fingers, and I hate that he wants me to keep working so hard so that he can be happy sleeping with another woman. If he wants to be with her, shouldn't he have to create his own financial happiness now? Why should I have to contribute to him tearing my heart out????
