I agree with you that invoking jealousy may be a cheeseless tunnel, though I don’t think it is completely cheeseless, but now may not be the right time to wage that battle. Jealousy may be better addressed after she has expressed some commitment to stay in the marriage. Right now she is threatening to leave the marriage, so jealousy isn’t going to help resolve that. Save it for later.
I'm going to assume that she still finds me attractive ….
I agree that you must make this assumption. In fact, challenging it will just piss her off. She told you she loves you, she is still in the M, so assuming otherwise will invalidate her and escalate the situation.
…and that she knows I could find love elsewhere if I chose, but that I'm committed to the relationship.
This topic of finding an outside relationship is just a deflection by both of you, IMO. You don’t really mean it and neither does she.
If attractiveness is an issue to her, it's about me making myself attractive to her by "doing some soul searching" and making myself happier, and, also, doing all the things she wants/needs, and not expecting anything in return, not making demands of her, giving her space, etc. And, in that sense, I could be damned attractive and still end up hosed as far as getting my needs/wants met, or even getting her to take them seriously.
I agree. This is the cheeseless tunnel you have been pursuing.
Even the "fill the gap" affection she was handing out last weekend has come to a screeching halt. She sees that I have stopped offering affection to her. I know some big piles of excrement are about ready to hit the fan.
Are you ready for what’s coming? The best defense is a good offense. What are you anticipating and what exactly are you going to do and say? Please don’t tell me anything that even remotely sounds like compromising.
I think you need to play this completely out in the open. She values her “honesty,” “self-awareness,” “lack of self deception,” etc., so I think you should lay her values out as the ground rules you will operate on, then tell her exactly how you feel. I’ve posted earlier (on this thread?) a rather specific outline on an “attack plan, as a general idea. I also think you should very specifically drop her FOO issues right in her lap and keep the focus there. That is what she is afraid of and why she does all that she does. It is the elephant in the room and where the battle will be waged. Not addressing this, as well as your emotions and fears, is just perpetuating the cheeseless tunnel. Time to strip away all the façade.
