Hey, friends --

I am exhausted again tonight and am getting ready to head off to bed but wanted to give you a few quick updates:

1.) Trip to parents'house went fairly well. As I was advised, I went from being very happy one minute to a state of panic five minutes later, so it was a bit of a roller coaster, but I am glad that we went, and I truly think H is, too. We did a lot of fun things with his parents. I was not clingy at all (unlike before), nor did he reach out to me at all, which was okay. It was great to see his parents and their place, and I know we both really enjoyed that. I did not bring up anything about the M to the parents, nor did they ask if anything was wrong, etc. I did not have any meltdowns in front of them. I worked really heard on just "being me" - being the way I've always been around them and putting myself "in check" if I felt like I was talking too much. We did ML three times while we were there. It was nice but really awkward. For me, we are ML; for him I feel like it's just sex. But I have to hope that he would have not ML to me if he doesn't feel anything for me anymore, but who knows... It was nice to be close to him but hurt at the same time, as I look into his eyes and see no emotion, no love, no wanting - my old H is just not there. I understand this and know that all of this will take time to heal and will hopefully be much better than before, but it's just really hard right now.

We both hardly slept at all the whole time we were there. I took sleeping pills every night and still struggled. H usually has NO problems whatsoever sleeping, even when there is turmoil. So I guess this at least showed me that he IS thinking and disturbed by SOMETHING - what that is, I don't know for sure.

I only did (I think) one backslide while there. I think I caught him texting her in his parents' family room, which enraged me. I asked him if he was texting her, and he said no. I rolled my eyes at him and left the room and took a shower.

We had just received a call a few hours before that that a friend of ours had a stroke. He is okay, but it really shook me up and put my already tender emotions in overdrive. So, since I knew I had backslid with that comment (even though I had every right to be disgusted that he would be texting his OW at his parents' house with me there...), I knew I needed to fix it and fix it quick. So, when we got into bed I told him that I was sorry for what I had asked him and that I knew what our "deal" is right now, that we're just friends and that he needs to do what he needs to do. I told him I had gotten upset about our friend who had the stroke and that my emotions got the best of me and that I was sorry. He thanked me, and I left it at that. I'm not sure if that was the best 180, but I tried... We then ML a little while later.

The hardest part about ML is that, as I said, I feel no emotion from him, and that hurts. We used to snuggle all the time, and he'd hold me and rub my hair. Now he just turns his back to me all the time and won't even touch me, but yet he'll make love to me? Do you think he's just testing the waters to see if he'll feel something if we ML? It's confusing to me... BTW, I did really enjoy ML to him and am feeling much better about the possibilities regarding that aspect of our R. But only time will tell if this is only because of the current crisis.

At any rate, the trip was really nice and fairly uneventful by way of any breakdowns, R talks (none except for my text message comment), and we laughed together and had a nice time. I had times when I felt my heart was ripping out of my chest and just swallowed and remembered that I had to be me and not let me emotions get the best of me. I think I did much better than our Mexico trip.

So when we got home, he put his bag from our trip into his car and said he was going to go check on the apartments and "live" out of the bag for a day or two (or something like that). I asked him if he would come home when he was done looking at the job site last night, and he said "we'll see." I asked him if he would start coming home just every once in a while, and he said yes - so we'll see if that comes to fruition or not. I did point out to him some things that we had done as far as ML that normally would have been way out of my comfort zone, and he gave me a hug and I told him that I am trying...

When I went to the office this morning, it appeared as if he had indeed slept there last night EXCEPT for the clothes he wore last night were no where to be found.... The office bed was all messed up like he'd slept in it, but the clothes he wore yesterday were not there and not in his suitcase. The only other place they could be are his car (why would he change his clothes in his car - unless he did so if he did actually check on the apartments last night) - or at OW house.

1210, I know you've been on the other side of this situation as well. Do you think that H would deliberately mess up the bed at the office to make it appear as if he had slept there when he actually hadn't just to "throw me off" and not hurt my feelings? H usually doesn't think like this - he's pretty straightforward and just kind of does what he wants to do, so this seems like it would be too much planning on scheming on his part, but I just wanted to see what you think.

So, today he called me at around 11:30 and got my voicemail. \:\) I purposely did not call him back. I left the office around 3:15 for my massage and dinner with my friend. I saw him as I was leaving the office - he had just pulled in. He motioned for me to wait, and I waved and motioned to call me, that I had to go.

So he did call me, and he was really pleasant to me, and we just went over some work stuff. Then we got off the phone. I went to my massage appointment and dinner with my friend and had a really nice time. We finalized the names of the girls we are going to invite for our weekly girls' night get-togethers and hope to do the first one the first week of April. I'm really looking forward to that.

So I was with her until about 8pm and did not even have my cell phone with me. So did not talk to H or get any messages from him the rest of the night. \:\)

As I knew it would be, the hardest part was coming home and then having him leave again right away. I know he may have tried to make it "seem" like he stayed up at the office, but I have my doubts. If we truly had made any progress on this trip, I would have hoped that he would have stayed with me, if only for one more night, especially since we got home so late. I know I can never know what goes on in his mind, but I fear that either he missed her so bad that he couldn't wait to see her or that he was so torn up from being with me (hopefully in a good way) that he just needed to get away from me for a while to think. I just don't know...

I have an appointment tomorrow with my therapist and then another appointment tomorrow afternoon with the DB therapist. I plan on sharing both the events that have transpired recently as well as your concerns with the way I am handling things, etc.

I am exhausted now and need to get some rest but wanted to at least give you the update and tell you that I am still listening to what you are saying and appreciate so much your continued support. Please don't give up on me! I will discuss some of the issues you raised with the therapists tomorrow and will use all of what you all are telling me to help me grow. I WANT TO DO THIS - please know that. But it's sometimes not just as easy as saying, 2940, you just need to turn the other cheek when he says this to you, or you just need to deal with sleeping by yourself with no one's touch for as long as you can, or you just need to deal with having to work in the same office with your H who is sleeping with OW - just GAL and get on with it! While in concept I know that most of this is what needs to be done, just as I need to have patience during this whole crisis, I guess I'm asking for your patience with me, too. My world as I've known it for the last 10 years has been turned upside down, and I'm hurt, scared, angry, sad - so many things. So it's not that I don't WANT to follow anyone's advice; it's just hard, and it hurts, and I hurt, and I'm tired of hurting and having him just going on with his jolly little OW and expecting me to keep making our business successful. I hate his actions in expecting me to do that with a smile on my face... I know you all said that i need to just "act as if" and keep the business afloat, but if I do that, why in the world would he ever want to make things any different than they are now? He's literally got the best of both worlds while my heart is tearing in two...

Anyway, enough rambling for tonight. Thanks for giving me some more tough love. And, you're right, I know that a lot of times I do listen to other's advice and still just do what I want to do - I suppose that's part of my controlling nature. It's just so hard for me to do things that hurt so much and make my heart want to tear out of my chest. I can tell you that I would have been 10 times more miserable if we would have stayed home this weekend than I was when we went. The hurt is fresh again from him going back to her again now (especially after ML to me), but I knew that was a possibility, so I'm just going to have to live with it.

I'm going to work on my goals and questions for tomorrow's sessions. Feel free to let me know if there is anything that you think would be beneficial in particular at this stage to talk with them about.

Thanks again for hanging in there with me, guys. I'm sorry that I've let you down......