Thanks Cissy you are a doll...
Well so far I know he is headed this way. He called me this morning and seemed in good spririts. He stayed with his cousin last nite, in a border town ,near Mexico. I knew he might be headed to the Border and I was not feeling so good last nite, I think I am getting a head cold, just great! So i decided to go to bed early with my kids. He called me 2 times and said he would calL later and he did not,, when he called I was sleeping. when I hung up with him, I went right back to sleep. He said his sister was with him. And you know I never thought of the OW ~
I am soooooooooooooooo proud of that.
Even though they are inseperable.
Why does this have to be so? Why did he get involved with someone who will always seem to be a part of our lives? UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH!!!!!!!!!


I was ok though and actually slept well. In the past I would have had Major Anxiety etc. etc........

So anyway his cousin and I used to talk alot and she called me this afternoon and just a bit ago and told me ((( I did not ask~ )) that my SIL went to visit her friend in XXXXXXXXX (sp?) the OW~
and I just about passed out! His cousin has no IDEA about her ((OW ) or that we were even going to get a D. I have not talked to her in years. So my SIL did travel with my H with the intention of seeing her friend the dreaded OW~
the OW who my H still probably has her name on his chest.....

I really actually once again do feel naseuos. And yet I have come to realize that I am above all this BS and just disgusting .... I can not even find words that describe how I feel about the sitaution. I am not jealous nor angry just sort of sick about the whole thing.. I wonder if she tries to talk to my H or if he even talks to her like no big deal.. I do think she came to get my SIL so she may have seen my H.... my Spanish is a little rusty so I am not sure of the details. My H's cousin speaks very little English.
Anyway,, I am glad I can come here to blow up and just vent. I have alot of faith in my H and I know he did the right thing and yet I do feel somewhat upset. Not really sure why?
I used to always get this weird feeling when he was up to no god and now I am calm as a cucumber as they say. Upset and sick to my stomach but still calm and feel secure in knowing that my H is over her and she poses no threat to our R.
I guess for me the thing that stands out most like I told my H when we were Reconciling.. and she kept calling. It is one thing to take you away from me and quite another to keep on pursuing you when she knows how much your kids love you and you are trying to recover your M.
I can take her wanting to take you from me ~

but not from my children!!!!!!Then that just lowers my opinion of her that much more.


My h once told me to call her.. weeks before Reconciling.

I told him "I will never ,ever do that,,"
And he said " SHE WOULD NOT EVEN CARE IF YOU DID!!!"
I was ready to vomit and I replied "I am far better than that and she will never be even half the WOMAN I am and SO I have no reason to call her." Now my opinion of her is even lower.."
that is pathetic."
" You do not need to worry about me you go and be Happy with her........."

He was speechless. Wow this happened last June and I can remember it like it happened JUST yesterday. I can still hear him.... SCARY~

I AM in a better paace now and I am so proud of that. I am proud of who I am and who I was thru out the whole ordeal. Even when he splitting my SOUL in 2 and leaving me for dead .
I stayed true and strong. And most of all I held onto being a lady and my Integrity. Sure I am no Saint and I have made mistakes but it took the grace of God and many Angels I am sure ~
to give me strength thru that~
and when he would come back after talking to her for a long time. It took all my strength not to want to beat the living &(*_& out of him and just be beautiful and serene. I would smile thru the pain in my heart. My heart felt as though it would burst and my soul ached~

.... like I cannot describe.
I felt as though the world were about to swallow me whole and I could not breath. I remember going for a walk late one nite and just walking and crying and walking some more and when I came back he was waiting for me and asked what was wrong and I said nothing I just needed air.... Smiling thru my agony... He was in enough pain of his own to see mine would have been too, too much.

I sit here now and I am crying some and I have to say I am very proud of myself. I am proud of who I have become and who I was during the most painful time of my life. It was a pain that has no description.. crying so hard and loud that the neighbors may think you have lost your mind. I was a puddle of mush and when I got myself up off the ground...
...... started over and decided that I was still alive and my kids needed a strong me and not one withering away onm the pain of my heart.It can take you and you can wallow in it indefinetly and keep it burning or you can let it burn to the ashes and reemerge a better Woman who will live , love and rejoice. Life is so hard sometimes but the blessings are many if we just open our eyes to them all. I have many, many blessings and my eyes were closed for far too long.

So my H can join me on this life God has blessed me with and help me become even better than I am today or he can lie to himself and say he does not want to follow me and be Happy and in love and fall in love more everyday that we are here. Love is not supposed to hurt , ,I want to love and live without fear .. I am tired of being sacred. I am 36 and I feel like I wasted so many years hiding behind my fear and I do not want to go back to that ever. So God please help me to keep growing and keep rejoicing in the Woman that I am!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
God bless...