Preparing for the end game, maybe.

[LoginName]

Journaling, March 21, 2007
Well it is happening pretty much the way I thought it would. She was offered the job. We talked long and hard. She accepted the job.

The long talks led to this decision, with the caveat that we can change our minds and nothing is set in stone.

She will go to AR with my D and set up house there. I will stay in CO with S and maintain here. In 2 years, when S graduates from HS, we will all move to AR. It looks like my job would let me move and work remotely. (I'm very lucky to have found this job!)

The decision was mutual. I have many fears about it. I think she does too, although mainly she is really happy and excited. I agreed to let D go because if I didn’t, W would have turned down the job to stay in CO with kids. She would have been miserable and would have blamed me, subconsciously or consciously. My D is excited to go. She will be starting middle school, and many of her friends will be going to different schools than her anyway. My S is a sophomore in HS. He loves his school, his friends, playing Varsity Lacrosse, etc. He really doesn’t want to leave.

We will try to visit each other often. And if it doesn't work, she will quit her job and come back (I don't know exactly what "doesn't work" means. If I can’t stand to be away from her and D, will she quit?).

Other factors that influenced my decision include the fact that we seem to be making progress in rebuilding our R. We talk more. She says she is making decisions based on how it will affect me and our R, as well as the kids (before, everything she did was just for the kids). She is more trusting of me, leaving her daytimer out where I can see it, and even offering to let me examine her phone call record if I want ( I declined. There is NO way to be sure she isn't in contact with OM – and it can't matter). I did snoop in her daytimer though (all the while screaming at myself not to! I was weak). I found a copy of an email I sent her last year professing my love for her. I've kept the same email, and her beautiful and loving response, as well. It made me feel good for a minute that she had it. Although, you can't make assumptions. She might not care. It might be from a long time ago and she never looks at it anymore. She could be feeling sad that she will be hurting someone who loves her. Or, she might be finding her way back to me. Whatever.

We have been having good times together as a family. That is always good. We talk about being in AR together. I think she talks about it that way too. I better pay attention and make sure I'm not imagining things.

The good times and good feelings are starting to hurt me. I’m starting to want more, and hope for more. I've got to re-align my thinking: back off again. And do I have a right, or would it be wise, to expect anything at all? I really hope she can at least say ILY before she moves to AR. I hope she will be able to give me a hug on a regular basis (daily?) before she goes (maybe, dare I say it, a kiss?). How long can I go as 'just friends and co-parents'? I will need more eventually. I'd like it from her, but if I can't have that, I’d like the opportunity to find it elsewhere.

Which brings up jealousy. Before she goes, I will have a talk with her and we'll discuss dating. If she wants to date others, then we should divorce. I see it as that simple. I'd still want her back, but if we are married, then we don’t date others. (We both have had As. I don't want to act that way again. We should have integrity and honesty). What are the odds of her meeting someone there, who shares her profession, makes her heart flutter, and sounds like a better deal then me? I think they are pretty good. If we were in a good M, I wouldn't worry so much. Women, from my experience, don't look for a new R unless they are unhappy w/ the current R. Men, on the other hand, might look even if the current R is great.

So I hope someone out there reads this and comments. Am I really being an idiot? Is this situation really bad? I’m feeling OK, and fairly strong. Am I kidding myself?