New To Piecing III

[COG]

My previous thread:Previous Thread Well I'm not sure all the flirting is taking us where I'd like to go, in fact, as I had feared, it's adding pressure. I had a convo with W this morning about things. Asked her to be honest with me. She admits she's doing some soul searching right now to decide if she wants to continue trying to make it work or not. My reaction was basically, well you've had six years now is'nt that enough time, can you decided by Friday? She says my advances make her very uncomfortable. She wants me to just be myself(minus the sexual advances or inuendo's) and she wants to just be herself.

She said she knows what an incredible man I've become, that I'm fantastic just the way I am, but she does'nt have the "feelings" she wants to have. She said the change has to come in HER heart, and that there's nothing that I can do to fix that. It's got to be within her. She also said that It's not about me/COG changing, it's got to change in HER.

So I'm stepping back to my supportive role. She won't decide anything quickly I know that. Until then I'm going to stay above it, enjoy the moments and take it one day at a time. I'm not going to let it get me down, I'm moving on. My house is rented out for another six months or so. My guess is that'll be crunch time. We'll know what's going to happen by then. I'm trying to stay positive. No begging, no pleading, blah !

Last night I worked out and then jumped in the hot tub. There was a woman in there that I thought I recognized. It was a friend from about 30 years ago. We used to flirt a lot back then, and she still looks good. She flew over to me and gave me a big hug when she realized it was me. It felt good. She's single, just moved back into the area. She knew I was separated for awhile and asked how things were. Seemed a little disappointed when I told her W and I reconciled. I can only imagine what might have happened if I was a single man.

It's just so weird. We get along so well, on every level except for the physical intimacy. What's holding THAT back is in her heart and I have NO idea what that looks like. Old memories, a change that can't be reversed, I don't know but it's VERY strong. Last time she said she wanted to do some soul searching was when I gave her the ultimatum and she came back and said she was opting for D and her "heart was at peace with it".

We'll see. I'll stand to the end, but I'm not going to bleed anymore. I've got a good life with or without her. I hope she figures things out in her own heart but if not then a new chapter begins and I'll move forward either way.

Six and a half years a prisoner on the limbocoaster. When am I going to wake up?

God Bless,

COG

[Delil@h]

Cog,
My dear~
.... all I can say is WOW~
this was hard for ME to read, but I see that you are doing well. You have alot of thinking to do too. All my best to you and you are still in my prayers. Take care sweetie and yes you are a good man and if you ever do get off the ride I know ,that you know, you are a valuable ,wonderful man.
I am not the best at giving advice but you do need to step back then and give her space and let her change. You need to also detach some so that you are not on the sidelines holding your breath and let go some for your own heart.
No~
you cannot change her she is right, but I also think that you are not required to be a prisoner of her feelings either. You need to choose to be Happy.I am sure Frank will have some great advice for you.
Love ya sweetie and take care of you, Please. You deserve so much more and yet you are waiting and maybe one day you will be able to get exactly what you need to make you smile too. We only have a short time here and God wants for us to enjoy it. Smile sweetie, you are awesome and you have the patience of a Saint.
Love and God bless, Ali

[COG]

Here's something interesting. FIL and MIL just stopped by my office to say hello, they were in the building next door. I wanted to show them a new piece of office equipment I bought. So I showed it to them, gave them the rundown. My FIL comment's, "well yes but I bet it costs a lot more to....", and "well I've just started doing blah blah blah and it's much easier", well blah, blah blah. Pointed out one negative after the other, NOTHING positive at all. Made me feel like, why the hell did I just waste my time. I was'nt even looking for an opinion.

I'm reminded that my W's family is very much a cup is half empty group, especially her dad whom she adores. He's got a big heart, very nice guy, but always has to point out the negatives in everything. Like if someone says the sky is blue, he'll say no, there are actually a few clouds over there blah blah blah. I've heard him tell his grown kid's how they can't do this, or they can't do that because blah blah blah. He's very negative yet comes off as a very upstanding guy, which he is. I used to argue with him but now I just keep my mouth shut when he wants to discuss anything because he's always right.

It's very opposite to how I grew up. It was'nt perfect mind you, but there were never any boundaries as to what we could accomplish. And I was taught to be grateful for what we had, and to always look for the positives. It makes it so hard to relate to a negative minded person.

I'm not the only one that recognizes it, FIL's kid's all know it too. I can live with him being negative, but I'm afraid that's how my W sees the world too. Everythings good if it's going HER way, but any other way is just flawed and an attack against her. And she's the biggest complainer if anyone gives her resistance to an idea etc. She still holds a grudge against a girl who did something mean to her in the fifth grade. Still talks trash about her for something she did 35 years ago when they were 11 years old. That's just flat weird. She needs a change of heart alright, and she's right that it's NOT all about ME. I'm the best friggin thing that's ever happened to her and she's going to realize that some day, with or without ME!

Before I got M, I had a serious long term R with another lady. Basically she dumped me. I hung on a long time, but eventually gave up, met my W, and we got M. Later, I heard from one of my former girlfriends best friends that she'd had a breakdown after she heard that I'd gotten M. The friend said to her, "well did you really think he was going to wait forever"? I swore to myself I'd never make the mistake of hanging on too long again, and here the f??k I am, AGAIN! Well my W had better get her sh?? together because I've about had it! She's considering if she wants to keep trying, well I've got knews for her, I'm considering wether to kick her friggin ass or not!!

Right now I'm thinking that maybe freedom from HER [censored], just might be worth the pain.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Love,

COG

[Heywyre]

Dear Dear COG - I am so sorry to hear you have taken a big dip on the roller coaster - however, one thing I know for sure. You are an incredible person and any woman (regardless of her intelligence) would be lucky to have you. Sometimes people can be good together, just not sexually. I am starting to think that is the way it is for my H and I. He just isn't interested and yet, in every other aspect of our lives we get along almost like clones.

Take it one day at a time sweetheart - we are here for ya!

[COG]

Heywyre,

I am so sorry to hear you have taken a big dip on the roller coaster

Oh I'm a little down right now, but I'm not GOING down. I'm a gentle soul, but I'm one tough SOB, fired up, and wild man too. She wants me to be myself, well she's gonna see what fired up is all about! No more pussy footin around. I'm not goin down, never again, not for anyone. I'm stayin up and movin on with MY life. She can wallow in the mire of her soul searching as long as she wants to but it's not MY problem. I'm OK, I've done my work and I'm not taking the blame for our stifled R. That's on HER!

I'm not giving up, but I'm not bending over anymore.

God Bless,

COG

[SvenTheRed]

Hey COG,

Sorry to hear of the backpeddling....

I heard an echo when I read the post below - so much like my life - down to the LTR with someone just before I met my W (and I too was summarily dumped, and heard that the x-girlfriend "cried" when she heard I got married.). Perhaps this is a common story, but so much like what I went through.

For fear of sounding self promoting, look back through my thread in my early days of piecing - if for no reason to reinforce there is still a bit of ride that needs to happen before our WAS's get their head around all of this.

I also know that just prior to and shortly after starting to piece, I REALLY had a take it or leave it mentality as well. And in some ways I still do today. Mostly this has come from taking back MY life and living it the way that I wanted. Leading, not following. Therefore the by take it or leave it is that I focus my life, direction, virtues, etc. on the things that give me the greatest joy. What you focus on expands. In essence, this is almost like a full time GAL. I also try to carve out those things that are "lost causes" or things that no matter how much you put into it, just won't yield anything good. I have a life "mission" statement that guides me (I think I posted it in my piecing thread somewhere too).

All that said, I wouldn't give up yet...but consider where you need to focus. For me, my W was saying a lot of what your W seems to be telling you - still unsure about if she can "feel" that way toward you. I did what was probably the hardest thing all of us do - I ignored it. Said, off I go! You're welcome to come along but there is the door if you don't (I'm speaking metaphorically here).

What happened, I just started living and GAL'g while we pieced. I KNEW in the back of my mind that my W "loved" me and that what she craved is being around someone that knew where he was going in life. Throw in doses of the flirty stuff, etc. and she was caught in the wake...but it happened really slowly. Note - she didn't fully "recommit" until December. Physically, intimacy didn't start until just before that. Yeeshh.

Anyway, all I'm saying is you have a brother in arms - and in the end you cannot make a decision for someone. You can however be the subtle salesperson that through his actions demonstrate a value that a WAW would be silly to walk away from....

Hang in there.

Sven

[COG]

Sven,

I hear you brother, thanks for the support.

and I too was summarily dumped, and heard that the x-girlfriend "cried" when she heard I got married

Yep, and I think I was a little on the rebound when I got M, so that did'nt help us get off on the right foot.

I did what was probably the hardest thing all of us do - I ignored it.

Well I've been venting alot here today, but that's basically what I'm going to do,ignore it and GAL.

Anyway, all I'm saying is you have a brother in arms - and in the end you cannot make a decision for someone. You can however be the subtle salesperson that through his actions demonstrate a value that a WAW would be silly to walk away from....

Truer words never spoken. My actions have spoken for themselves for a long time, and have made a huge difference. She knows what a fine man I am, and that's my greatest strength, just being who I am.

Thank you brother!

God Bless,

COG

[amd]

Just stopping by to say hello, COG. Thank god for these boards--think what would happen if we vented somewhere else!

"that's my greatest strength, just being who I am." You got that right!!

[COG]

I had some venting to do yesterday, but I'm doing much better today. I'm going to be ME, stay above the crap. I'm not going back into the dark hole of depression, rejection, insecurity, blah blah blah. No way Jose! I'm gonna keep growing, learning, experiencing and rejoicing. My W can live with whatever burden she decides she wants to carry and that's not my problem to fix. I love her, I adore her, I think she's beautiful, but I'm not going to die for her anymore. I'm stayin UP BABY! I've got a life! I'm choosing to ignore her doom and gloom times, and keep on living my joyful life to it's fullest.

I'll keep on being freindly, coaxing deeper, listening, and supporting, no matter what HER attitude is at the time. I'll stop pursuing sex again, yikes! This thing will just play itself out some day, and I'll be on top no matter which way it goes( no pun intended you sex maniacs).

I trust God, and we're very close companions. His voice is becoming more and more clear. But there are other voices in my head too, and they're not God's. I'm getting better at listening, and figuring out who it actually is that's trying to direct me at a given time. There's a bit of a crowd in there sometimes.

Well God Bless you all and thanks for your support and friendship. Some day we all ought to leave our S's at home and meet up somewhere for a raging get together! I vote for VEGAS!

Love,

COG

[SuitedUp]

Hey COG,

I was quietly worried about the flirting that you've been doing because it seems that even though you've technically DB'd I'm not so sure and the flirting was not only pressure but sexual pressure. All that alpha male stuff is awesome and you did a great job implementing it but she just isn't, sadly, interested or open to the possibility of being intimate with you. I commend you on trying something, reCOGnizing the cheeseless tunnel and stopping the behavior.

I still think you have a potential WAW on your hands. This is exactly how my sitch turned out. WAW-reconcile-MLC WAW-D soon. However, I don't let it cloud my judgement but your last vent post sent a familiar chill down my spine.

What you wrote about the negativity of her family, doing the math that she's 46, I don't know buddy but the change that you are waiting for is closer to a miracle than a change. You are right to believe that God performs miracles and if He thinks that is your destiny then He will grant that miracle for you.

I love her, I adore her, I think she's beautiful,

COG, you say this often and every time that you do, not only do I pick up on it but it seems that you are convincing yourself deeper of it. They say it's all in the eye of the beholder but man, by constantly reaffirming this, I fear that you are both painting yourself into a corner and severely limiting your life options.

The reason why I decided to post to you is that you are thinking and behaving like an abuse victim. You are in an abusive situation no matter which way you want to slice it and dice it.

It is common for victims of abuse to become infatuated with their abusers and there is an interesting little experiment that you may like to ponder over.

It's called the chicken experiment. Chicken A and Chicken B. Each chicken has a paddle wheel type grain feed dispenser infront of them.

Chicken A gets a seed of grain on every paddle and when it pecks a grain, the paddle advances to present the next grain so each time the chicken pecks, it gets another seed of grain presented. Stop loading the grain on and the chicken will peck a few times, give up and then seek something else to so.

Chicken B gets a seed of grain on every 3rd paddle so that for every 3 pecks it gets rewarded with one grain of seed. Stop loading the grain and the chicken will peck and peck and peck and peck, in anticipation that a grain of seed will eventually be presented. Chicken B becomes addicted to frustration.

If you are the chicken and your W is the feeder, which chicken are you?

I will pray that you will find a way forward in this.

God Bless

Suit