Look at what Happ_Again said this morning about Cake-Eating--he xplained it well. Then I will try to say something.
Anger This is not the STAGE called Anger. His Anger is how he is throwing a temper tantrum. Do not fear the anger.
Cake-Eating Happy has shown how coming over to the house and hanging out is not cake-eating, but rather reaching out to the comfort zone--that's it in a nutshell.
So let me tell you about cake-eating--cause Sweetheart did it. The conditions: Sweetheart did not have his own place, but lived with the OW. The OW monitored him heavily. The OWs house was 20 minutes away. He didn't spend time at home as many Drop-Ins seem to do. I could have boundaried that...but didn't need to worry too much about it. He came over occasionally--but not often.
Contact that was incessant at times was by phone and more by text--I never put a no-contact on texting. A few days solid of "I miss you and am thinking of you all the time..." I ignored those I think--but would ahve to check my archives...but for the most part responded to him and communicated often by text.
But the cake-eating Sweetheart wanted to do things with me...bike riding, skiing...PLAY.
And this was reaching out also
BUT it involved sneaking around on the OW...cheating on her basically.
He was trying to play with me and 'be' with her.
I put a stop to it not because I felt him become comfortable...I knew he was a 3-monther and would be home. But I went no contact because I did not approve of cheating and lieing...not on the OW and not on me.
Maybe it wasn't so much cake-eating as me placing a moral boundary on what I would be party to.
He wanted the best of both worlds...but it wasn't about that for me--the no-contact.
And at times I removed the no-contact and allowed some cake--it depended on his needs. I didn't approve of sneaking around, but when I felt his motivations change I compromised...in Oct 2005 he was taking advantage of me in PLAY...last Summer he was in Depression and needed a shoulder.
So read Happy's explanation and then think about whether he was cake-eating or not. Let him be comfortable at home. MLC takes TIME...and thus it may seem he is comfortable with a foot in each world. Live with it.
