Valentines day massacre

[outtaluck]

Hey LN,

I'm in Stratford CT. I was working as a driver for a bakery. Unfortunately I don't have much experience at anything else...been there a looooonnnggg time. I have an interest in just about anything, though. If I could get my foot in the door at someplace that has a decent salary I think I could do almost anything and enjoy it. It sucks not having a ride...showing up for interviews on my bike I think somehow may give the wrong impression to a prospective employer.

Meanwhile, I've had this idea for a website that may generate some income...with the extra time I have now I'm trying to put into that. Even if not it gets my mind off R.

To answer your question about the crap I put her through...well, it's probably more what I didn't do than anything I did. It kills me for her to tell me she felt alone, that I wasn't there for her....and for me to know that its true...sure, not all the time, but I can see her point...especially now that she's not here for me. If this is the way I made her feel, holy God...I had no idea. Still think better communication would have helped...we just kind of stopped fighting, but it always seemed like there was something wrong...couldn't put my finger on it.
I'm blaming myself for this...part of me says thats not right, part of me thinks I deserve all this pain.

I haven't had to practice much detatchment...she pretty much stays out as much as possible, as not to see me I'm sure. So interaction is at a minimum as it is...

When she is here I usually, (well, now...) let her make the first move at communication. Its just when we're in bed together the massage thing might come up...otherwise she rolls so far to her side of the bed I think she's gonna fall off :-)

I did leave her be last night and I guess she had some trouble sleeping....she has had insomnia for a couple years...at least once a week she has a bad night and can't sleep. So she did hunt me down and ask for a massage...and I knew it was wrong...but God she feels so good... its the only connection we have left....so,so hard to let this one go.

I'm not as strong as I might make myself out to be, if I do...today was the first day in a month that I haven't woke up crying...luckily shes already gone by then. Its been many many tears through the day as well....though its less often lately. I do have my good days as well...but just as I'm going along fine, a song will come on or a memory will pop up, and bam...instant breakdown. But like I said..little less often...and less dramatic when they do....I just let it come an go as best as I can. And no, I do not let her see me like that...anymore.

I'm sure you're right about the OM. I pretty much figure I have no hope till that runs its course....whatever may happen its useless to think I have any control over that. So do I get a "have an affair free" card if we get back together?

But in general I'm usually a positive guy, so even though I got no job, and my M is in the toilet somehow I know there is a sunrise at the end of all this...got to clear out the old, right?

Thanks for the great advice LN. It is so extremely helpful right now.

BTW how do you searh a persons name? Can't seem to get that to work right.