I think I may have posted to you many months ago, when you were posting more. Welcome back.
I wanted to add my "me too" to what cinders, snodderly and pws have posted to you, about pulling way back from your H for awhile. But I did want to soften the response a little. I do think he needs space and time alone. He knows you care for him and he loves you, he's said os. IMO, he really does care for you, and has wanted you in his life all the way through this. That seems very hopeful to me for the long run, although I have to agree with pws that the long run could be quite a time in coming!
You sound very caring. If you can just direct that love at yourself, and others in your life, you may be very pleased at the progress xh makes in your absence. No guarantees, of course, but it seems many of them do find their ways back home.
Thank you for your kind words. I like to think of myself as very caring. While I am sure there are times I have not shown it in the best way possible, I am really trying.
This all is just so hard and I know it is hard for my family and friends to watch me continue to want to be with someone who was not the kindest to me.
I think that is what makes all this hard. Seeing my XH was an outlet for my caring about him. I made the choice to stop talking to most family and friends about my XH 7 months ago. I made this choice because there were not able to understand that while one min. I would be talking about all the things he did to make me made and the next moment crying because I feel like I have lost him. They can't understand that range of emotions. How I can be so angry but so in love with him at the same time.
Seeing him allowed me to care for him and not get the negative feedback from my family and friends. Now without that outlet I want to talk about him but there is no one around to listen to him. No one who won't make me feel like crap for believning that he is just really confused and that he doesn't know what to do, think or feel right now. Now when I talk about this they all turn immediately to the "he is just doing this to hurt you. He has always done things like this. He knows you won't leave and so he does this just to be mean and made you upset." And that just tears me apart more. So I am stuck with this BB as my only outlet of anger/frustrationg toward the situation and my love for my XH.
I hope that makes some sense. I really want him to be happy. And it just breaks me heart that I couldn't help him find that happiness. I know I have shown him unconditional love, I just need to him to grow to the point where he thinks he is worth that love. And realize that people love each other and everyone gets hurt from time to time (he admits he did things that hurt me) but that doesn't mean that they aren't worth being loved. (How do you teach someone that who has grown up without it?)
your sitch sounds alot like mine. My H is doing the same thing; trying to keep an emotional attachment to me and going through his MLC at the same time because he has no one else to talk to and he has yet to go see a C though he says he will this week. I've heard that for the past six weeks. I just want my H to be happy too but he is so depressed right now, he can't see straight and he's pulling me through the mud with him. If you've said your feelings to him once, then that's enough and I pray that our H's won't forget how we feel because that is my worst fear too.
Me 31 WAH 30 M 5 Together 14 years S 4 divorced 7/11/07
"If you forgive people enought, you belong to them, and they to you, whether either person likes it or not--squatter rights of the heart. James Hilton, Time and Time Again."
"Three months ago, if you asked me, I woudl have told you that if you really loved someone, you'd let them go. But now I look at you, and I dream about Maggie, and I see that I've been wrong If you really love someone Allie, I think you have to take them back."
"After all, if hate can steal our sanity, so can love. Love can rob a person of his power of reason. We've heard it all before: Oh, what can you expect from him, he's in love. Or, Love is blind. Or, Lover conquers all. Thank of the strenght we attributes to love in our cliches."
"Even if you take yourself away from the person who holds you fast, if that person still thinks you are his, you always will be."
Just some quotes that really made me think. Especially the 1st one. How many of us here have forgiven our spouses time and time again. I think we def. have "squatters rights" to their hearts!
I guess I will just continue to hope and pray for my happy ending.! R2
Okay I have two questions this morning. 1st- What is the "average" amount of time that has to go by before he will start to contact me. I can do it for a few months, but truthfully I don't think I can go all summer without "checking" in with him. I am really trying here, it is just hard.
2nd- Do you all think that my XH will be able to make any progress if he is still having his best friend's mom make dinner for him every night, stays at her house for 2-3 hours every night and spends most weekends over at her house for 5 or more hours? I just wonder sometimes if maybe this is going to take longer than I am prepared for b/c he has this support in her. That he never is really alone, b/c when he is lonely he can call her and hang out with her. He is getting all of his needs met (except for the sex) from her. My XH always liked his freedom and space. He wanted to be able to come and go and do as he pleased and not have anyone put any expectations on him. And this "set up" is exactly what he loves. He has no responsibilities to others, sets his own schedule and when he wants his own space he leaves her house and goes to his apartment where there is no one there to bother him.
It's just one of those days I want that glass ball to look into and see what is going to happen down the road.
What do you do with the anger? This is something I have struggled with throughout this whole process. I admit it I am angry at my XH. I am angry that he broke his promises to me, I am angry at myself that I believed him when he said he would never leave me! I am angry that he "seems" to always get the last word. I am angry that he doesn't care or respect me enough to sit down and talk with me honestly and answer some question that I have (questions that would help me heal). I am angry because I can't tell him how angry I am. I am angry that people don't think it is okay for me to be angry and still love him.
So what do you do to help release your anger? I don't want to be angry, but I don't know how to release it. (I have tried writing, I have tried running, I have tried crying. I tried talking to people about it, but then I just get their angry responses when I switch back to how much I love and miss him.)
1st- Is there anyone else on this board who had their Spouse leave, just because? Not because of an affair emotional or physical? That hasn't jumped into a relationship past a casual couple of dates? (My XH dated lots early on, like the first 2-3 months. Then we started talking again. And I know he still went out here and there, it was never anything that lasted more than a week or two. Then in 2 months there hasn't been any dates, since he pulled himself off the dating sites.) Just looking for someone who might be able to help me, "theorize" the answer to my why questions. I am tired of hearing from my friends and family he did it b/c he is stupid, selfish and he just wants to hurt you.
2nd question of the day-Any ideas/guesses to what "stage" of this whole thing my XH is at? While I thought he might be in withdrawl.. I am not sure.
3rd question- If you read above somewhere my XH said, "Being around you had had an emotional cost to me." What do you think he meant?
Sorry if I just keep throwing questions out there... they have been floating around my head for a while now, with no one to really ask.
r2g4, my H left and I'm about 99% sure there isn't an PA but I think there may be an EA going on at his work with an old OW that he cheated on me with seven years ago before we were married.
I have daily contact with him though so I'm trying to detach but its so hard I know. I wish I had answers to your questions but I have alot of the same ones.
Me 31 WAH 30 M 5 Together 14 years S 4 divorced 7/11/07
Rosy, Yeah I am not sure about the whole EA thing. While my gut says no there are parts of me that have my doubts. My XH in recent years had spent a great deal of time with his best friend's mom. And while she is 57, I don't think there were any romantic intentions, but I think he started leaning on her and confiding in her and liked his alone time with her. That sent up red flags for a me a little and our MC had little flags up but my XH laughed it off.
I just tried to make myself more comfortable around this woman. I tried to spend time over there, despite the fact that I always felt out of place and no one would talk to me when I was over there. I asked my XH in Oct of 2005 if we could do some other things with this woman and the people around her. I told him I just don't feel comfortable. I would like maybe to go out to dinner with these people or have them over to our house for dinner once in a while. And the response I got was, "F- you. That is not what my friends and I like to do. So you can go screw yourself."
This hurt my feelings more than anything. Here I was trying to be comfortable with a group of people who did not make me feel welcome and I just wanted to understand if it was just the way they were, or if it was just me that they didn't like.
It would really gross me out if there was anything more than a mom/son kind of realtionship going on there. But is does always make me wonder, no matter how many people tell me there is nothing going on there is that question in the back of my mind. He is 28, she is 57, she hangs out with my XH (who left me in march 2005-may 2005, then left again jan 2006) her niece in-law who left her nephew March 2006, and her son 28 and various other people who are in their 40's and 50's. Something just seems off there, especially since my XH used to give me crap about talking to my mother daily, why would he all of a sudden crave that mother connection?!
wow, that would be a unique situation. what was his relationship like with his own mother? maybe he sees this women as his mother figure but is afraid to acknowledge it also?
Me 31 WAH 30 M 5 Together 14 years S 4 divorced 7/11/07
