hi Im new to this forum and I really felt lead to post my situation here. I have been married for 17 yrs as i said and have 4 kids. From the night we were married my husband hasnt wanted me sexually. You would think i would have ran then but thought there was hope. We have gone from him having an affair to issues with porn to just months and months without sex. I thought at one point in our marriage things were going to change and the sex did get a bit better but then it stopped again. I know he isnt cheating on me and hasnt since the first yr we were married and I know from time to time he still has some issues with porn. We have had moments of being good friends and having a good relationship but the sex has not been what I feel is good. Once a month at most isnt what I would call a good sex life. Now i feel the excuse is health issues. About 9 months or so ago I had a revelation... Im in good shape and rather cute... two aspects of myself I hadnt known... I realized that he has the problem not me. so I have spent the last several months working on me... That has gotten the husbands attention and instead of realizing what i am doing was for me he accused me of having an affair! I was totally amazed and hurt that he would think i could do that. I set him straight and we are in the slow daunting process of figuring out how to salvage a marriage thats root problems stem from lack of affection and passion...
sexually nothing has ever been worked on. I have shared my feelings and desires with him but havent ever gotten a clear response on what he thinks. I guess we have been so busy raising kids that until recently it has become an issue that i cant get past. Now what are we doing? Hummm we started reading a book and tomorrow evening we are going to see a counselor. I know somewhere down deep he loves me but I dont know if he has the desire to work on whats broke. As for me... Im ok. Suprisingly I have figured out that Im a person of value and I will be fine... I do worry that if things keep going the way that are that I will (I hate to say this) be the one tempted to go outside of marriage. Not saying there is anyone out there I am interested in.... I can just see the possibility...
Texassandy I am sorry to hear that you are having such a tough time there. Though, on a positive note, you seem to be on the right track as to how you can improve things. First and foremost, seeing a MC is a great idea. Second, focusing on self improvement and stepping away from your H’s issues a bit is exactly what you should do. The fact that you have already got his attention a bit is a really good sign.
Sandy, you indicate your H acts LD to you, but has revealed a HD side hidden underneath. Though, you don’t really share much else. How often do you to ML? Who initiates? How much foreplay is there? When you do ML, how often do you trade who controls the session? For example, are there some nights where you drive and focus solely on his pleasure and vice versa? Do you have a standard routine, or do you two change things around? For example, do you experiment with different positions and techniques? How frequently do you share “oral activities”? Yes, these are a lot of personal questions. Feel free to answer where you are comfortable and ignore where you are not. Though, my suspicion is that your answers will be pretty revealing.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates
hi there Brian... let me see if I can answer your questions fully... Im not shy about sharing. How often? at most once a month. Who initiates? 90% me Forplay to him is 30 sec long... as for routine? changing things up? I am up for it but he isnt. He likes to get his pleasure and is done. oral activities? I do for him, he never does that for me. I have tried to get him to be in control and I have taken control. Nothing seems to make him want more. I have made it clear that I am willing. He just has no desire. Im not sure what answers you were expecting....
Was just wondering if you could elaborate more on this :
"as for routine? changing things up? I am up for it but he isnt. "
Have you two ever had a real conversation about your sex life? Like: "You know honey, we've been married X number of years now, have you ever thought about trying something different? Or, is there something that you would really like?"
Maybe you have and maybe his answer has been "Nope, things are just fine." (Like my H originally said ) But, perhaps if you just pushed a little bit and was a little playful about it and said that there were things that you'd like to try... It's worth giving it a go.
Just my thoughts,
Nicky
"There are two types of people -- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am,' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'"
Frederick Collins
Texassandy Yes, your responses are pretty much what I expected, not indicative of a healthy SL at all. It sound like right now you are basically just a vehicle to satisfy his physical needs and that is it. That is very sad. This would be a great topic for your MC. There are all kinds of issues here that need to be addressed.
For now, a place to start is in your own head. Change your own goals of ML. You want an emotional connection, so demand it! For example, when your H gets done with his 30 seconds of lead up and tries to go for it, roll him over, pin his arms, slow down, and kiss his neck and chest maybe. Then, after a little giving to him, look at him in the eyes, smile, and say, “Now how about a little of that for me?” In short, set your own goals and then lead by example. If that works out, then after a few minutes, take control again and go at him with another foreplay activity. Considering your H’s current view of ML, I would think you should demand a minimum of 30 minutes of foreplay before he even gets to even touch your bits. A suggestion though, if you have to pull his hand away, be sure to transition that pull away straight into something pleasurable for him so that he does not take that as a rejection. It can be tricky to prolong foreplay without hurting his ego or feelings.
Another suggestion would be prolong the actual act with an emotional interlude. For now, I would really recommend that you consider being on top so that you have control of what happens during the act. Maybe start out by giving him a little of what he wants, but they stop moving in the middle and just kiss him or hold him. Yes, he might freak out a bit and get impatient, but so what, he needs to learn what your priorities and needs are. Furthermore, if he gets testy and won’t play by your rules, then don’t let him get his O. Just quit and tell him you would be happy to give this a try another time when he is willing to consider your needs too.
Honestly, I think you really need to completely redefine nearly every detail of your intimate life. The above goals are just practical examples of how to get that change started . Though, ultimately, you need MC help, much better and more open communication, and a whole lot of change from your H. I hope this helps.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates
for 1 Im amazed at your openess for suggestions. 2 I will definatly work on your suggestions. I am honestly open to do whatever it takes to make us both happy.
I am sorry that I didnt listen to your cries. Our life together means more to me than anything and once we work through the issues of the day we are going to be sure that we always communicate these things to each other.
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