Hey OL, Some questions and comments for you.
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but its the least I could do for all the crap I put her through...
What kind of crap did you put her through? It doesn't really matter, it would not excuse her actions.
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She jokingly said that I could sing her lullabyes and massage her to sleep...and of course I did...but she always makes sure to remind me that she's shut down, and not to get my hopes up.
I think this comes under the "having her cake and eating it too" category. I think many MLCers do this, at least at first.
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got to trust that she knows what she's doing
I don't think so. I think you can't tell her how to live her life and protect her, but she doesn't know what she's doing. You've got to detach and let her make her own mistakes.

I know the DB stuff, detaching, seems so wrong. For years, probably, we didn't have the closeness our Ws wanted, that we wanted in our Rs. Now we know, and we want to fix it. We want to be that caring, close, supportive person we should have been all along. But now isn't the time. They need space, especially from us. They need to go through this for themselfs. OL, I know it seems like exactly the wrong thing to do. I've felt, feel, the same way, but I've seen my sitch improve, and it only improves when I detach and step away. My sitch has only gotten better when I GAL and give her space.

You can listen if she wants to talk, without offering advise (don't tell her what the OM is thinking - even if we both know what he's thinking). Listening is hard. She may tell you things that are hard to hear. It's OK to say you need to step away from the conversation if you have to. Don't get angry or show hurt in front of her (you will, but try very hard not too and step away if you start to show these feelings).

You don't have to be her best friend. You can be polite and concerned, but you don't have to fix her life for her. Again, listen, don't talk much, don't be her best friend.

Don't repeat yourself. If you've told her you realize you've made mistakes in the past, fine. Don't tell her again. If you've told her you think she's making a mistake, OK. Don't tell her again. They really do hear us. She's heard what you said and repeating it makes it sound like a demand or critisism. You're going to have to bite your tongue alot.

I don't think much can be done to make your R better until the A is over. I think the books say it will last about 6 months. It can't be rushed. Detach, back off, give her space, be a friend, but not her best friend.

Remember that the OM is not the real issue here.

The A and the OM hurt so much, but they aren't the real issue. They distract and delay the real issues. Don't discuss the OM with her.

OL, I know DB and detaching doesn't feel like the right thing to do. I know being trying to be close to her feels like a 180. But I'm serious. Back off. Give her space.

If you're like me, you are thinking "he doesn't know, he's not here. My sitch is different. I still see love in her eyes. She still wants me to rub her back, etc..". Maybe your thinking you'll lose her for good if you back off now. That's what I thought. But, truthfully, especially in the first months, I think improvement only came by following the DB rules; detach, GAL, PMA, and give her space.

and! if she is in MLC, dude, you could be in for a long rough ride. Read Smurfs posts. He's has put all the MLC stuff together to make it easy to find. MLCers are hard. Apparently, she could be 'nice' now (if having an A is nice) but MAY become really mean later. Again, the best answer is to back off.

You've got a hard job ahead of you. It hurts like hell. But you've got the strength to make it, and you've got support here.


M45, W45,S15, D10,
Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06, finally ILY 9/07
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