But the problem is that LD women, even when they start working the issue, they focus on SEX. This is NOT going to fix the problem.
I thought focusing on sex would fix the problem because I thought the lack of it WAS the problem. So did H. In our sitch the SL was the symptom of problems in the R.
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The problem that you face is how are you going to show your husband true desire.
In order to desire my H, I need to be open to accepting physical love from him, and he needs to be desirable. When he appeared to view me with contempt, he was NOT desirable. When he blew off things that were important to me but not to him, he was NOT desirable. When he refused to acknowledge that I was upset that he blew off things that were important to me, he was NOT desirable. When he approached me for a kiss or ML and he smelled of cigarette smoke, he was NOT desirable. When he ignored me all evening watching TV he was NOT desirable. When he came home after we both had WOH all day and sat on his azz reading the paper while I cooked dinner (and cleaned up) he was NOT desirable.
What was my role in all this? Apparently I never told him in a way that he understood that his behavior made him undesirable. I complained, I nagged, I told him "1,000 times" that he wasn't pulling his fair share, that he was taking advantage of me, that I was tired of doing most all of the work in the house. How could he not know? Wasn't it obvious that I was unhappy? Of course it was. Just as obvious as it was to me that he was unhappy. But he still didn't "get it." His behavior didn't change. He didn't "get" me any more than I "got" him. At this point, to me, sex wasn't any more important than whatever it was that I thought was important. He wanted sex, I wanted help around the house. Actually what I really wanted was respect. I don't think I felt respected. Even though I see it differently now, my feeling then was...why should I try to see sex as important when he won't try to see my stuff as important?
See, the thing is, when you're an LD woman you really have to WORK to get in the mood to ML. It takes a lot of effort. I thought it was more difficult for me to get in the mood to ML than it was for him to wash a few dishes. For an LD woman, getting in the mood requires letting go of everything. This is really hard to do! There is nothing passive about it. Not if you're trying to get into the mood to ML the way that you and my H and the others here want. I used to tell H that I really wished I could just flip a switch like he seemingly did. Just like the old SNL skits with Wayne and Garth..."ooh, Kim Basinger....schwing!"
I just discussed this with H and he said, "but doing dishes is a CHORE. Sex is fun and healthy and good for you, etc. etc." He is right now and he was right back then and I logically I understood it back then. But to me, sex was the chore because it required a HUGE effort to clear my head and make it happen, whereas, doing dishes took 10 minutes that could be a Zen-like experience. I didn't need to engage or disengage my thoughts to wash dishes.
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HD men often can not separate desire and love, which women easily do. Lack of desire means no love.
LD women don't express their love through ML. How does your wife show her love to you? OK, never mind, you won't answer that. This post is just as much for me as it is for you, anyway.
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What is it that your husband could do that would actually help, or would actually cause you to desire?
I think I already answered this, but this is what he has been doing lately: TALKING to me (rather than looking at the floor or the TV while I talk); TALKING to me (rather than making sarcastic comments); TELLING me what he needs--in plain English (rather than the sarcastic comments that I need to interpret); being KIND and LOVING (rather than cold and distant).
For the first time in I-don't-know-how-long I am feeling adored by my H, and it feels really good.
