Still Alive IV: Hairdog

[fearless]

Fearless, Normally I would agree with everything you have said.

Lillie, that did surprise me too

Cobra,

Yeah I know that I do not know HDs sitch and wife as well as the rest of you. I think that can be good and bad. I am sure I repeat a lot or miss some obvious things. I am just optimistic enough though to hope that some of what I say is applicable anyway.

The advice you give HD (and that I gave at one time) is to make him into a more attractive person.

Sort of true but not about attracting his wife as much as feeling good about himself regardless of his wife's "immediate" response. (Because I think ultimately she would respond - they were in love at one point and had a healthy sex life so we at least know it is possible)

The whole deflection issue - deflection is a normal response by someone who feels attacked. The key, IMO, is to recognize the deflection and treat the comments with respect but not let it deter you. I repeat that I do not think deflecting remarks need to be accepted or rejected; just acknowledged.

For example:
HD: I want to make love once a week

MsHD: You need to work on your own happiness

HD: I may need to do that (Don't deny because that creates a whole new direction and don't accept this either if it is true - just deflect right back) however I still want to make love once a week.

MsHD: Why do you think making love will change things?

HD: I am not looking to change things. Making love is a way for me to be connected to you/ to show I love you.

And so on and so forth until hopefully you get somewhere like this

MsHD: But I do not feel like it

BINGO - HD: I can understand you do not always feel like it.(No judgment just recognition of what was said) We used to have a great sex life. Why do you think that changed?

I don't know whether this is really possible or exactly how it would happen. it just seems like this is where HD would want the off-balance to occur with his wife. She would be in an incredibly vulnerable position in this case.