I will TRY to explain more clearly my feelings on Acceptance of the process and how it can affect TIME, and then address the quesitons you sent directly to me regarding my own situation.
Quote:
Jim Conway: The tunnel can be as long or short as people want. It can be shortened by working on the process or lengthened by denial.
So let's just put up some hypthetical and some accepted averages here.
Average MLC: 1-3 years This is merely a hypthertical # thrown out there...I could have used any range less than Jim's, so please do not read into it.
Average MLC as we expereince it (per Jim Conway et al.): 2-7 years
Think about this...for a married MLCer how common is it for the spouse to accept the process? And if they do accept...how quickly?
My assumption is it if the spouse accepts, it takes a long time. During this unacceptance time the MLC is being held back from progressing at a regular rate through the tunnel.
The spouse is not doing this deliberately...she/he is reacting in a natural manner to what is happening--the spouse is not at fault here.
An unmarried MLCer or one whose spouse accepts and let's go immediately is freed up to go through this crisis with fewer burdens...with a spouse there are still burdens that he palces on himself, but she is not adding to them through her behaviours.
Gravity on Earth is 9.81 meters per second squared.
Really...that isn't true at all locations. Ideal conditions are in a vacuum.
So MLC in a vacuum--without a spouse who may not accept the process and thus UNINTENTIONALLY holds the MLCer back--is faster than the MLC we experience.
In science class we are taught the 9.81 figure...rather than the expereinced #. It is the reverse with us MLC LBSs...we are taught the expereiential range instead...
Okay...now onto the questions you wrote to me.
Quote:
So, how are things now that Sweetheart is home? How long was he in MLC do you think? What do you think turned him around?
How are things...Things feel good. But that measn I don't feel the MLC things I felt before...all other returns were punctuated with the OWs presence...and thus far he seems to have effectively cut-off contact.
I get concerned though...he didn't get as bad as so many here...the affair was typical, but he rar5ely spewed, and I feel this was because I wouldn't put up with it
then again he projected some spewing toward our SIL since it didn;t work with me. But even then it was really only during Aug and maybe some of Sept 2006. Maybe there was some I am unaware of or have forgotten.
He was in Depression Spring and Summer 2006 I fel...but then again, it wasn't sevre like Hopfloats' MLCer...so I often wonder if he dealt with those issues that one finds at that stage.
Sweetheart is seasonal depressive--but to me this seems relatively mild. I've never (WHEW) felt him to be suicidal.
Note: I am stating things here that I don't fret and worry over constantly...but I keep them in mind to bring up with a counselor--for my own wonderings and peace of mind--not at all to tell Sweetheart he isn't done.
How long was he in MLC do you think? Bomb Drop was 20 March 2005. I have found no specific inciting incident a few years before that date.
As for how long...is he out? I will not make that claim until things have felt good for 12-18 months at least.
He came and left home six times--okay, three larger times (a few times were a few days in length)
And those larger times...he was never really home or gone for longer than three months...ACCEPT the last time he was gone. And he asked to come home right on the three onths schedule...I said no. That meant he was suddenly stuck at the OWs instead of choosing to be there...I held that No for three months.
I let him come home January 6th 2007. This return has felt vastly different than all others.
BUT...we have not began counseling yet--there's a waiting list AAARGH And phsyical relations...not resumed. I'm not pushing those...he needs to be tested and I think he's scared of intimacy...that he won't have those feelings, and/or embarrassed about sex--always has been. HE is avoiding being tested to avoid the intimacy...and this is a safe way for him to do that...he then feels he isn't rejecting me. I've known this all along...and the other day he even speculated in that direction.
What do you think turned him around? A few things here.
First, I think perhaps there is a misnomer about turning around or maybe even awakening. The MLC tunel has no turn arounds...it has bends, hills and curves...but it is forward. There are places ahead that are worse than places behind and vice versa.
He had to go through this...and so did I. He is also a Drop-In...a type of MLCer who likes to be in contat with the LBS. And Sweetheart was a clingy Drop-In--he was clingy before also.
My mom said a huge thing I did was NOT WAIVER EVER. Once it wa safe, I told him this...it was less safe the first time he left when he truly believed he was leaving me...he may have figured out he wasn't soon after moving, but did not express it VERBALLY.
But in the beginning before he ever moved he said things like
I think you can save this just after moving: It may be a few years, but int he end I think I'll choose you
Some may feel those are things said to get me off his back...and at times he did do that...at other times the words carried a different energy. It was easy to tell the difference because when it was said to get me off his back he did it in a button pushing fasion...cocky teasing with evil grins...and since he's not good at that sort of thing he'd often fess up a second later...Ha you fell for it, I didn't mean it..that sort of thing.
I tried to make myself and our home the safe place. It didn't want him to feel judged. And at the same time (it's a balance) I let him know that if I didn't approve--such as I was not going to enable his affair. There are rules in a marriage and I held firm to that. The Ow was so desperate that she was sort of willing to compromise...sort of because she might agree that he could have relationship [friendship] with me to get him to move back to her...but once he was there he wasn't allowed any contat with me...she set up an online account to monitor his cell phone! Then when he changed the password she changed it on him...she did that with his email too--when he was living at home!
So I was very aware that I was not to control...I did some monitoring, but my wish has always been that he will be his own strength rather than needing me for my strength.
He wanted someone to make decisions for him...I refused and the OW was only too willing...so I let it happen.
Since his first return in August 2005 he has never truly left thinking he was leaving me forever. What made him look back THAT time?
WEll, second thoughts and a premature return are common...I knew that the return may not last...and yet he would return again. I made him feel safe. I showe dcomplete support. The Ow faked a pregnancy...and though everyone but Sweetheart believed she was faking. I validated...and really understood that this was something he had to believe more than the rest of us onlookers. AND I told him it didn't matter. I would raise the OWs baby with him if that was the route he chose...I'd help him fight for custody etc. I'd support joint custody, or I would even stand by him if he chose to give up his rights...would feel bad, but would support.
That's huge...and the fake pregnancy within 12 hours of his first return--odd coincidence huh? How many women would not raise her husband's illegitmate child--not born from a PREVIOUS relationship.
Stress: SAFE SAFE SAFE When he said I should date...I said I would NEVER date someone else. And then showed strength to avoid him feeling burdened in that I must be waiting and pining for him--which I was not doing. I consistently reassured him that I had forgiven...I told him this BEFORE he moved out and thus BEFORE the OW relationship was physical.
SO it was not only that I showed real strength. I made an effort o make him feel safe and welcome...wihtout pressure...though I sometimes failed at the last one--small things like getting upset when he called one night to say he'd be home in the morning...then in the morning he changed his mind because he couldn't move out on the OW when she had major surgery the next day.
I understood his feelings and fears...but Oh I was initially upset. If he hadn't said he'd be home...fine, but he had. I belive I texted him to get his a$$ home or ...something...if he wasn't home by such and such he owuld have to find somewhere else to live when he did move home. but that statement may have been related to something else...I'd have to read my old threads.
I also wouldn't put up with him lieing...He would try and deny something, and I would matter-of-factly state that denying or lieing was futile because he and I BOTH knew the truth.
