He said he's seeing someone new

[Ophelia]

Pretty much all of my friends are/were people I know through H. Many of them I haven't seen at all since this ugliness started. I know he's been hanging out with some of them, so it would stand to reason that OW has been hanging out with them as well. The question is, if they've happily accepted her, then that doesn't show a hell of a lot of respect for me, so are these the kinds of people I really want to retain friendships with? I don't even know at this point.

The latest option for tonight is that seeing as how the semi-final is being played first, my brother will just txt me if they actually make the grand final, and then I can head on over to watch. I'll be at my parents' place already, and I'm pretty sure mum would be happy to go along...not so sure about dad, because he's liable to lose his block and tear H a new one if he sees him.

It'd probably be a good option to just go along if they actually end up making the grand final. That way H can't accuse me of just tagging along on the off chance that they make it, and go off about my having other motives for being there as well, like harrassing him.

On the other hand, if they don't make the grand final, then I don't get to put on my happy face and make my stand at all.

Decisions, decisions.

[Ophelia]

Well, I didn't end up going.

I decided to go the route of having my brother txt me if they won the semi-final, so that then I'd just go and watch the grand final if they made it.

Around about the time the game was meant to be starting I just thought, "God, if it'd be a good thing for me to go along and have H see me, then fix it so they win the game. If I shouldn't go, then make 'em lose." And they lost. Dunno if there was actually any divine intervention involved, but as it turned out, I guess I just wasn't meant to go.

[Astimegoeson]

The question is, if they've happily accepted her, then that doesn't show a hell of a lot of respect for me, so are these the kinds of people I really want to retain friendships with? I don't even know at this point.

Hi Ophelia,

I have not commented on your situation to this point, but I would like to add a comment here since this is a recurring theme for all of us.

I personally wouldn't pass judgement on friends of his/yours, or mutual friends. They are kind of tossed in the middle of the situation and they probably don't want to take a stand one way or another. Give them the benefit of the doubt.

My stbx and I are both able to maintain our relations with our mutual friends individually. I seldom, if ever, say anything about my R trouble to them so as I don't place them in the middle of it. I'm pretty sure my stbx does the same.

Lovers come and go, but friends are hard to find, don't part with them so easily.

[Ophelia]

Thanks for posting, Astimegoeson.

I know that everyone is basically stuck in the middle, and it really sucks. I wonder if H realises how far reaching the impact of his leaving really is? Does he acknowledge that it's his action of leaving that set this whole impossible situation up? I hate that people have to be stuck in the middle like this. I don't even feel like I can really go out of my way to contact them if they're people who are still in regular contact with H, purely because I don't want to have to put them in the awkward position of having to be around me and having to watch what they say. Ugh, it's just all so hard!

I'll be seeing several of these people tonight at the football. People who I know H would have been in contact with this whole time, so they've probably been witness to him both bitching about me, and waxing lyrical about OW, so I have no idea how they'll react towards me. And we're gonna be at the football, so we'll be in a confined space, all but sitting right on top of each other for several hours. I just want it to be over already. I'm seriously so nervous about it that I'm feeling sick.

Part of that is also not knowing if H will be sitting with us all, of course. He always has in past years, but who knows if he will be now. Even if he's sitting somewhere else during the game, he might pop over at half time to say hello to his friends. Or he might be there talking to them before the game when I show up. How bad would that be if he's sitting there talking to them, then I go and rock up...awkward silence....H leaves.....that'd be a great start to the evening.

Right before I woke up today I was having a dream. In the dream it was the middle of the night, (the clock radio read 11:30pm) and I was in bed. All the lights in the house were turned out. Then I heard someone coming into the living room and walking around, and then H walked into the bedroom. Didn't really look at me, he looked really tired, totally burnt out, and just said, "This isn't necessarily permanent" then started getting ready for bed whilst initiating small talk, catch up type chit chat as I sat there in bed, dumbfounded that he was back. Wanting to leap up and wrap my arms around him, but trying to restrain myself because he obviously didn't want that to happen. I remember thinking, "Just hurry up and get into bed so that I can at least be close to you, even if I can't touch you." Now that I think about it, that dream was probably representative of how I'll feel if he shows up at the football tonight.

[Ophelia]

Well H didn't show up at the football at all. Pretty much everyone was as friendly as they used to be. The one guy who I was particularly concerned about did say hi to me, but wasn't nearly as upbeat and talkative with me as he used to be.

I overheard part of a conversation one guy was having on his phone, "No, he's not here," *pause while the person on the other end asked why*, "Because his wife" and then I tuned out.

I polished my wedding and engagement rings before I went to the game so they were bright and shiny and sparkling. I wanted to make sure no one could miss the fact that they're still on my finger.

I've come up with another possibility for who OW might be. Just came to me the other day out of the blue. Can't say for sure if it's her, because I can't say for sure that this person's name is Amy, (though I think it might be), but if I'm right, then she's someone who got divorced several years back right after she had a baby, (as in, she and her H separated when the kid was still practically a newborn), and she's the daughter of one of MIL's good friends. Ugh! That's the last thing I need, H shacking up with someone who is not only pro-D, but also the daughter of one of MIL's friends. So here's hopin' I'm wrong, not that there's any way I can find out either way.

[phoenix23]

I know that everyone is basically stuck in the middle, and it really sucks. I wonder if H realises how far reaching the impact of his leaving really is? Does he acknowledge that it's his action of leaving that set this whole impossible situation up? I hate that people have to be stuck in the middle like this. I don't even feel like I can really go out of my way to contact them if they're people who are still in regular contact with H, purely because I don't want to have to put them in the awkward position of having to be around me and having to watch what they say. Ugh, it's just all so hard!

I can totally relate to this. This is something I have asked myself over and over - how does he not comprehend the magnitude of the ripple effect that this is having, not only on my family, and his family, who are both devastated, but also on all of our mutual friends? This is awkward as hell for every single one of them right now.

And I too have been tempted to judge the ones (which is most of them) who haven't actually taken a stand against what he has done although they will tell me privately that they think he has behaved like a jackass. I feel like if I was ever in that situation with one of my good friends, I would speak up and not say one thing to one side of the couple and something else to the other side. But, looking back, I probably have been in situations that were sort of similar, in which I maybe should have taken a stand, but haven't. There is no easy answer to these situations.

[Ophelia]

No easy answer indeed. It just feels like by their silence they're advocating adultery, and me being the one being cheated on in this stich, it just feels like (another) kick in the guts to have people act like it's no big thing.

I wonder if OW realises exactly what happened with H leaving? Did he tell her how devastated I was? Did he tell her how he ended our 10 year R via email? Does she realise that despite what he says, everything with us is very much not resolved? Does she realise what a mess it is that she's ended up in the middle of? Does she realise that it's stupid of her to get involved with a man so fresh out of a M?

You see, these things seem like common sense to me. If I were single, and some guy wanted to start dating me, but I knew he was fresh out of a 10 year R and has just walked away from his W, no way in hell would I be interested in getting myself messed up in that! It's just simple common sense!

So I really have to wonder if OW is either a) just stupid or b) blissfully ignorant about how horrible this whole sitch has been. Makes me wish I had her number so I could call her just to make sure she does know everything in case H has sugercoated it all for her, telling her that everything is over and done with and that I'm not an issue at all.

In other news, I exchanged a few txt messages several days ago with MIL and it ended with me asking her to let me know what day she and FIL had free over the next week or so so they could come over for lunch one day. She said they'd figure out a day and let me know. That was 5 days ago and I haven't heard anything more from her since. I'm starting to get really down about it. Feels like MIL, and in turn the rest of his family, is slipping away from me. I was hoping I might be able to figure out a way to see some of my ILs and nieces and nephews over Easter, but it just doesn't feel like that's gonna happen.

[phoenix23]

I wonder if OW realises exactly what happened with H leaving? Did he tell her how devastated I was? Did he tell her how he ended our 10 year R via email? Does she realise that despite what he says, everything with us is very much not resolved? Does she realise what a mess it is that she's ended up in the middle of? Does she realise that it's stupid of her to get involved with a man so fresh out of a M?

I wonder the exact same thing. In my case, the OW is 22 years old - I like to think she just has no appreciation of the magnitude of this situation at all, no understanding of how devastating it is to me, to my family, his family, our friends - maybe I just have to believe that in order for someone to do that, they would have to be completely oblivious to that, or else they are truly just pure evil.

And I made the same comments to my H about how he could possibly imagine that he is ready for a healthy relationship coming out of a 12 year relationship, but he doesn't seem to think it's a problem and clearly, neither does she. It is baffling.

Also, in my case, I believe H is telling people that we "SPLIT UP" rather than that he left me. And I know he told OW that I was basically a controlling bitch, so she probably thinks she has saved him from some awful fate.

[Ophelia]

- maybe I just have to believe that in order for someone to do that, they would have to be completely oblivious to that, or else they are truly just pure evil.

If I had the means to contact OW, I'd be tempted to do so not to blast her for anything, but to just set the record straight. To just say that I don't know what she's been told, but here's where I stand on what happened. At least that way I'd know that she really does know where I'm at in all this. If she then still wants to be with my H, then at least I'll have a better idea of the woman's character.

And I made the same comments to my H about how he could possibly imagine that he is ready for a healthy relationship coming out of a 12 year relationship, but he doesn't seem to think it's a problem and clearly, neither does she. It is baffling.

Indeed. I know that mine wouldn't want to end up in another mess of a relationship, yet here he is stepping right into one and he can't even see it because of all the new love euphoria he's drowning in right now. Here's hoping it starts to wear off soon!

Also, in my case, I believe H is telling people that we "SPLIT UP" rather than that he left me. And I know he told OW that I was basically a controlling bitch, so she probably thinks she has saved him from some awful fate.

OMG I think you just nailed it on the head for me, the "split up" vs "he left". That's exactly what I'm worried about. Or that he's just told people, "we've separated" which makes it sound like a mutual thing, when it most definitely is not. And on some level I can't blame him for not broadcasting the actual facts, because then that just has more potential to make him look like a bastard who up and left his W.

I assume he hasn't told OW about any of my good qualities. She probably thinks she's doing him a massive favour.

[Ophelia]

Got an email from H. Apparently his L needs to see our original marriage certificate in order to proceed with the property settlement paperwork, so he asked if I could mail it to them, and said he'd make sure I got it back if I wanted it. I told him I'd give it to his parents when they're here for lunch on Saturday, (finally heard back from MIL about that a couple days ago) rather than sticking it in the mail, and said that yes, I would like it back when they're done with it.

Resisted the temptation to say anything along the lines of, "Frankly I don't see the point of any of this property settlement crap at this point in time, and if you're just doing it to try and convince me we're really over then don't freaking bother wasting your time and money, because I'm already perfectly well aware of your stance on the matter." I figured talk like that wouldn't help matters, so didn't go there.

He actually apologised for not replying to my email with the followup question about the flagpoles last week. He said he's been swamped with emails regarding one of the projects he's been working on, and only just noticed my email in his inbox. I'm inclined to believe the former, (because I know the project he's working on, and know how much email he gets along with it), but not necessarily the latter. He said he saw the flags being waved at the game.

I asked him a couple of casual questions, like if he was sitting in the press box for the football game, (he usually gets a media pass and sits in the press box area for several games each season), and how his plans for his Africa trip are going. I also asked if he's got anywhere to move the pool table to, (the one item he's claiming in the property settlement). Told him that if his only option is to pay for storage somewhere that he's welcome to leave it where it is for however long, because I'm sure that with his trip to Africa coming up, the last thing he wants is to be spending more money on things like storage for a pool table.

We'll see what kind of a response I get, if any.

Anyway, like I said, in laws are coming over for lunch on Saturday. Not sure what I'm gonna make yet, but I get to really cook so rarely these days that I'm wanting to make something a bit special. Haven't seen FIL since before Christmas. Hope it goes off without a hitch. *fingers crossed*

Gave myself a pretty good workout yesterday, so pretty much every muscle in my body is sore right now. I'd had a good, (and therapeutic ) session with my punching bag on Monday as well, so I've actually been in muscle pain of some description for pretty much the whole week so far.