Well I was woken up by the phone today. I had stayed up late and planned on sleeping in, but 9 am the phone rang. It was the W, she said she was at Costco and wanted to know if I wanted anything. I told what I needed and that was about it.
My phone rang again around noon. It was the W again this time she said she was at Walmart and had bought more stuff than would fit in her car and wanted me to drive over and help her out. I told her OK and met her at Walmart about 20 minutes later. When I got there it was just a couple of small bags that would have easily fit. So what was up? I don’t know.
I took her bags and she said I’ll meet you at the house. I told her I had a few errands to run, so it would be a little while. Anyhow when I did get to the house my wife still had not unloaded her car so I did. She was polite and friendly, acting normal, she did seem to be fishing for compliments today. I hadn’t had a chance to shower yet so I took a shower and when I finished my W wanted to go over schedule. I told her I did not have time I had to go pick up our son at school.
I went up to the school and got my boy, however I needed to talk to his aid in the class about his homework assignment. She is a bright and cheerful woman, who knows we have been having marital problems. And she had confided in me a few weeks ago, when I ran into her at the hospital where my mother was that she had dealt with recurrent alcohol problems with her spouse as well. We talked for a while again about our issues; it was nice having someone in the flesh that had similar problems. She has started hugging me when we see each other and I have to say it felt good. It kind of scared me though, we have a lot in common and neither of us are in a good place relationship wise, I have be careful to not let it get out of hand between us. It also made me think more about going to an Al Annon meeting.
Anyhow I went home and went up to the bedroom to go over schedules with the W. She was chatty and upbeat. She wanted to know how my mother was doing and offered advice on several of her issues. I thought that was considerate. She also said she new it was difficult for me having to sleep at my mothers and if I wanted to sleep in my own home some nights it was OK, but not to read anything more into it. I tried to get through schedule issues but my W continued to discuss other things and lingered. I don’t remember exactly what she said but she was looking for empathy because her knee was bothering her, I just gave it a pat. Finally we finished up and I went downstairs. My son and I watched a little TV and then he went down the basement to his game room. I just changed the channel to CNBC and was relaxing and my W came down. She got me some cheese and grapes and sat down beside me. No R but some calm small talk. She went back upstairs after 15 minutes or so.
I took my son to karate class. After that I returned to the house, my wife asked me to stay for dinner. We had dinner, no big talks. I helped clean up and left. W was pleasant the whole time.
So I guess today was an OK day. Nothing bad is good, and mentally I felt pretty good today.
Mark...sounds like a very positive interaction today...she is reaching out...make her stretch, lol...
It is wise to be cautious about the aide in your son's class...that is exactly how afairs "just happen" when your not looking for them...it might be wise to choose Al-anon over confiding or listening to her further...if it feels good to be hugged...imagine how good it would feel if she kissed you???..or maybe your shouldn't imagine that....
I know it is tough with a spouse that has an addiction...especially if they are in denial of that addiction...that is where Al-anon can help...basically I figured out finally after covering up for H over the years (he wasn't too bad but when he did go off it wasn't pretty)that I wasn't doing that anymore...I let the kids know what was happening, our church elders, no more secrets!!!...and I refused to nurse him and deal with his "happy drunk/mean drunk" personality on me...so I started calling 911 when he "wasn't right"...and both times my gut was right...he had been drinking.... both times he was .25 BAC...this is when the hospital did an "intervention" and this was the start of his getting control....
I wish you and your son the best...and also your wife...she is obviously in pain because people don't drink like that unless they are trying to drown something out...
Hang in there Mark, your doing an awesome job and I admire your commitment...
I feel for you guys with the alcohol. My dad was an alcoholic and a diabetic, but also many good things. I hate summing up someone with a label or two. I loved him and when I was little he took me everywhere and read to me each night. Even paid me to give oral reports on books he bought me to read. He was a really brilliant L, and there are several lawyers in the family, like me. BUT I know you guys get that your spouses are more than all that. Sadly, my dad died b/c of his drinking--liver cancer--75% of hepatcellular carcinoma in the U.S. is alcohol related. (Other countries have more hepatitis so that's the biggest reason for the discrepancy). And the cirrhosis scarring had ruined the liver wherever the tumor had not penetrated, so that and the diabetes prevented him from getting a transplant. SO, it happens. (Dad had so much profound remorse and apologized for his "Sins, commissions and omissions....ask for your forgiveness...", and expressed it. There was some beautiful reconciling in his last days, with me and some of my siblings/mom. But not all. Mostly, b/c they did not want to forgive him. Now I think, shame on them.)
You could lose them to death, or whatever other absence they create. Al anon is a good thing. I was in a 12 step program 10 years ago and did have a spiritual awakening that has lasted, though not as strongly as I would like. But I'm reconnected to my Higher Power (sorry for the term if it bugs you, I usually say "God" b/c that is what my HP is to me... ANYHOW--yes the drinking/using is SELF MEDICATION for something bad, AND OR, is the only way they can feel anxiety free or what they perceive as happy. Pain of some sort, ( mine started out with a herniated disk, then dad's death and it got harder to tell which pain I was treating with the pain killers) is at the root of it. But regardless of what it is or whether they search it out and dig deep, etc. YOU have to protect your son from being in the car with her, or spending too much "drinking time" with her, whenever that is. Can he call you and have you get there fast enough if she binges? ALSO--even if you don't drink, the Hazelton (sp?) book of daily prayers (usually for the 12 stepper) was so helpful to me. Just thinking and praying every day, turning it over to God when it got too heavy. You can do that too. I did this past year with H and his MLC. Often I would just say out loud, "God, I turn the M over to you" or "God, please take this anger and pain from me." It does help. Also forgiving them out loud, like in the shower, maybe 100 times a day. They don't have to know it either. You are not doing it for them. You are doing it for your own sense of peace and well being AND it helps a lot to do it right before you know you'll have contact with them. I was Much calmer after I'd done some "exercises" like that before H would call to talk to me or the kids....
good luck to you both, and btw, don't believe "the lie". "The Lie" is that no one ever recovers from their addiction. Bull----. Most recovered alcoholics and addicts (crystal meth addiction might be the exception) relapse between 1 and 2 times before they stay sober for good. Usually after some benchmark was reached, (like 90 days, or 1 year, etc.) and they start to think maybe they can control it now.....
If you don't like the Al anon group, find another one. I had to search for a while. Face it, if you are essentially together and or educated, you'll feel out of place OR your wife/H will look comparatively normal compared to the guys who are bottoming out in some groups and have lost everything, or never had much, etc. FIND a group you can feel comfortable with and for God's sake, and yours, seek out the "winners" who have made it to the other side of this. It really helps so much to know life can be good again, and we can regain self respect, etc. I had a doctor and a lawyer in my group, (and some ex-cons who were really kind and helpful too, btw) and seeing their families helped me to understand H's views. And seeing what the doctor lost, financially, and the L, wow. I was lucky. I was pregnant and that changed my life....saved it really. God bless that little scrapper! and God bless you guys, hang in there. What are your spouses like sober? (BTW, I have 8 siblings, and two of my brothers are like "dry alcoholics" who rant and rave like dad, only they haven't had a 12 pack...weird but common in children of alcoholics. BTW, see if you can find the books on Adult Children of Alcoholics b/c it'll help you with your kids. Not all the "victimology" applies, but some does. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25yrsMLC...my H sober is still a fun guy...although I admit there are parts of his drunk personality I miss...he tended to be more affectionate...even if it was fake it felt good...he is not a rant/rave type person....he likes peace and calm...
Our kids have not really been exposed to his illness...he had many years of it being very controled...he has had one relapse...just before his 90 days, lol....he also comes from a family of alcoholics....and his sister is a recovered crystal addict...no relapses for her but it took being caught, thrown in jail for a year, and risking losing her kids...she went to recovery groups daily for a year and was on probation for 3 years...she is a true to support for her brother now...the other brother will never give it up....it has nearly killed him several times between health issues and car accidents...he missed the new year of 2000 because he was in a coma for 6 months...got out and started drinking again...all we can do is pray for him...
My H's real problems came out with his MLC...they collided at the same time...that is what the kids saw...they didn't grow up with a dad getting drunk....he is now closer to God himself, as we all are through this journey...it is hurtful to see someone you love be self destructive....but scary for you kids to be around them...I would definitely set limits on W with son in the car...I know with my H and his diabetes I laid down the law...until it was all under control for a period of time he was not to have son in the car with him at all...
My H had to hit the bottom before acknowledging his problem...I am afraid for Mark that the bottom was NOT the DUI for his wife...may she find that bottom before she hurts someone she loves....Mark...I feel for you and keep you in my thoughts...
Today was just another day to get through. I slept in and then went to the gym. I had a good aerobic workout, wimped out a bit when it came to the weights. I was still sore from my workout two days ago.
My W and I agreed to meet at the house at 2 pm to pay bills. It is never pleasant, the only interest W has in money is spending it and when it comes to bills, budgets, investing, etc. it just pisses her off. So she was bitchy as expected. Only today her mood seemed to swing up and down about every 5 minutes. One second she was OK and the next she was pissed because when she asked if I was going to pick up my son after school tomorrow I say, “I can” instead of “yes” or “no”. Then the next minute she would reiterate that I could come over and sleep in my house. So that how my day went with her. It didn’t really bring me down, since my expectations have been lowered so much.
One thing that was funny today, my son’s special education teacher called to talk about my boy’s progress to my wife. Anyhow she said what a nice and good natured child he was. My wife was patting herself on the back for this after the call. I did not rain on her parade, but the truth is if anyone should get credit it would be his aid in the classroom who has spent more one on one time with him than my W ever has. I just struck me as funny.
I spent the evening at home with my son goofing off. My W would stick her head in now and then. My boy and I put together his train set which he had not played with for a good while and the W came down and was standing looking over us smiling. I think part of her wants the old life back, but she has spent so much time building walls between us and reinforcing her anger she just can’t change course, at least not now. Oh well, it’s her ball of hate.
Here one more jewel that the W spewed at me Thursday night that is helping me. She said that I have asked her several times what I could do to make things right between us and she said that, “you can die.” I don’t plan on that so I guess she’ll have to deal with it.
Just one last observation for tonight, I have brought up several times how I think my wife’s being so insanely mean on Thursday night has actually helped me. This evening when I was at home my wife was saying something to me and I was looking at her face and I thought boy you have gotten old.
You know until this situation began, I looked at her and saw the beautiful woman I met 24 years ago. Tonight it was like I literally did take off some rose colored glasses. Interesting how the mind works.
