Ellie, to clarify - until I personally SEE with my own two eyes that there is indeed something wrong with SO, I doubt every word he says. I have been on the receiving end of too much deception, witnessed him doctoring prescription refills, lying to doctors to get painkillers, etc, that until I see for myself that what he is telling me is the "truth" - until then, I don't believe him. That's pretty sad, huh? I've just seen way too much to be able to believe his word like you would with a normal person. There's always something more to the story that he usually omits.
Anyway - the town we live in. Um, RURAL! Two stoplights, one no-tell motel on the "main" drag - visible to SO. I wouldn't let my pet cockroach stay there, let alone me & my 3 kids. We are 35-40 miles, in any direction, from the nearest large town. The closest Walmart is 30 miles away!! We are in the WOODS. Literally. He drives one hour, 45 miles, over a mountain range to work every day. No extend stay motels, not much of anything, really.
My moving out means moving back to my hometown area. 55 miles Northwest from here. Both his and my families are there. There's 12 people (Adults - between both of our families) that are within 15 miles of each other and able to assist me with the kids. There is nothing here for me in this town. Nor is there anything for me in any of the larger towns around here. I do not know anyone locally, except for the town where he works (we used to live there). And, that town is not affordable to live in. It's the whole reason why we bought this house way out here in the woods. We couldn't afford anything near his work.
I will not move out into a place local again. Look what happened back in October when I did that. He was there EVERY NIGHT. I need to be away from him. The distance, the hour between us - makes me more comfortable knowing that he won't just show up all the time. He won't be able to. I fear that unless I put as much distance between us as I possibly can, I will only succumb to his manipulations like I always do.
Putting this all behind me is going to take enormous strength. And, the last 2 years has weakened me. He is an emotional vampire that has sucked so much out of me, I don't have much strength left inside to do what needs to be done.
I do not want to live like this anymore. Limbo is one thing; but this is NOT limbo. He has no boundaries of his own; therefore, he cannot respect or understand MY boundaries. And that's part of his disorder.
I have 3 kids that need my care. When he's here, I cannot just go to my bedroom and avoid him. Our house isn't set up that way. Normal DB practice does not work in this scenario.
Ya know, I'm sorry to say that I still love this man. I have compassion for what he's going through. Detachment has allowed me to look past things; reading about mental disorders has given me some knowledge on how to deal with him. I would do anything to salvage our relationship. Including leaving. I see his confusion, can literally feel it emanating off of him at times it's so blatant.
But I'm tired. My girls need me. And I need to get out. I need to save myself before I get even more lost in all of this. If our leaving helps him get better, no matter what happens between him & I personally, then for that I will be a happier person.
