So what is it that people want to know that I have not expressed before? I have touched on so many things.
CeMar, You have GOT to be joking with that statement. I've lost track of how many times you have been asked specifically these questions (I'm sure others can throw some other questions in here as well):
1. What are YOU doing to change things? 2. What are YOU doing to work on YOU? Reading books only applies as an answer if you actually apply any of the concepts and don't just read the book.
Those are the top two questions that I can think of that I have seen asked of you repeatedly on here...that you NEVER answer. You don't even touch on them....you only focus on HER, never YOU.
MrsCac4 has pretty well summed up my thoughts in her comment to you as well
Quote:
No, desire isn't something one can ask for. It is something that happens when one is desirable. I would advise that you stop laying all the blame for your SSM on your wife. Doing that just makes you even more undesirable.
She's spot-on about this, YOU apparently have no idea how you appear in a woman's eyes....much less in your own wife's eyes. You REALLY need to take a good close look at your own behaviors.
Actually...IMPO his bind is that he doesn't actually open his mouth and speak to his wife. He's never indicated the entire time I've been on this BB that he's ever actually said anything to her about his frustrations, his feelings about their marriage...etc.
Ok, lets take an example. I like kissing, my wife does not. We have not kissed in anyway in many years. So I will ask her to allow/initiate kissing on a daily basis. I will also ask her to allow/initiate french kissing when appropriate. ALL must be done with genuine enthusisim/passion.
Now what? How does the LD spouse actually do what I just asked? If the HD spouse has to ask, that means the LD spouse generally does NOT have genuine enthusiasim/passion for that activitiy. This is what I mean by the LD spouse has already failed. It is not just about doing an activity, it is more about WHY you do that activity.
Have you ever wondered WHY your wife doesn't want to kiss you? I would guess that it's not a case of your wife not liking kissing; she just doesn't want to kiss YOU.
Kissing is like desire. If you are desirable, your wife will want to kiss you.
I couldn't disagree more strongly. There's a lot to cover here, and I only have a minute, but I'd ask everyone two questions:
1. Can anyone really doubt whether or not CeMar's wife knows that his LL is "physical touch"?
2. Assuming she does indeed know that her husband's LL is "phsyical touch," and knowing that she's not giving it to him, can't we assume that she knows exactly how unhappy he is?
CeMar may be a horsechit communicator, but I have zero doubt in my mind that his wife knows how unhappy he is. C'mon, the guy's a one-note tune, an open book, and fill-in-your-favorite-cliche here __________.
Have you read anything I've written in the few weeks I've been posting? I've said several times that I "knew" on a logical level that my H was unhappy. But, I still didn't "get" it.
I also said that my H was not able to come right out and tell me. He was in so much pain that he was avoiding me and not really talking to me. He would be sarcastic and that just put me off further. He didn't sit down and look me in the eyes and talk to me about how he felt. If I hadn't started lurking here, we'd still be doing our dance, most likely.
I believe that Cemar has never told his wife how he FEELS.
ETA: I was just as unhappy as my H. I wasn't getting loved in my LL, either. This is probably the case with Cemar's W too.
Choc, I wouldn't be so sure. My guess is she is hurting as much as he is, but also doesn't know how to fix it, or perhaps can't quite even put her finger on what is wrong. Since her LL isn't PT, she most likely can't fathom what the big deal is and may be feeling that he just wants to use her to get off. Neither one will understand what the other is feeling until they learn to communicate well enough to be able to place themselves in each others shoes.
As an example, let's say your W's LL is gifts and yours not only isn't gifts. In fact, gift giving is so far off the map as a LL to you that it seems to you it is just something the businesses push to increase sales and something materialistic people buy into. Your wife looks for gifts as a sign of love, and yet you won't buy them because to you it is just feeding materialism, which you so abhor. Until you can truely place yourself into your wife's shoes so that you can feel what it feels to her to give and recieve gifts, it will seem to you like a frivolous luxury rather than a vital expression of your love to her. It is the same way with PT. If it doesn't feel like an expression of love to her, she's going to have a very hard time understanding how vital it is to you even if you tell her. She needs to feel what you are feeling to begin to understand it. And that my friend, requires open, honest, intimate communication that seems to be rather rare and not particularly natural.
I'm sure that to her, he is just as much an enigma as she is to him.
You misunderstand me. I'm not saying that CeMar's wife isn't in just as much pain as he is. I'm contesting the point that she doesn't know what it is he needs/wants. How can you NOT know with CeMar??
Maybe it's just me, as I've obviously had this same problem in my marriage, but I just don't buy the whole "I knew it intellectually, but I just didn't get it" argument. To me, it is a question of motivation and priority. It's amazing how when an unhappy spouse threatens divorce or separation, then suddenly the other spouse's intellectually knowledge turns quickly to "getting it" as well.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say that CeMar's wife's LL is "quality time." But I'm sure it's one of the LLs other than PT. So I'll go further out on a limb and say:
However poor of a job that CeMar has done in his marriage, and especially as a communicator, I would be willing to bet that he has given to her LL, whatever that is, more than she has given to his, which is obviously PT.
