My Sob Story 2

[25yearsmlc]

Mark, and to some extent, ImL,

I feel for you guys with the alcohol. My dad was an alcoholic and a diabetic, but also many good things. I hate summing up someone with a label or two. I loved him and when I was little he took me everywhere and read to me each night. Even paid me to give oral reports on books he bought me to read. He was a really brilliant L, and there are several lawyers in the family, like me. BUT I know you guys get that your spouses are more than all that. Sadly, my dad died b/c of his drinking--liver cancer--75% of hepatcellular carcinoma in the U.S. is alcohol related. (Other countries have more hepatitis so that's the biggest reason for the discrepancy). And the cirrhosis scarring had ruined the liver wherever the tumor had not penetrated, so that and the diabetes prevented him from getting a transplant. SO, it happens. (Dad had so much profound remorse and apologized for his
"Sins, commissions and omissions....ask for your forgiveness...", and expressed it. There was some beautiful reconciling in his last days, with me and some of my siblings/mom. But not all. Mostly, b/c they did not want to forgive him. Now I think, shame on them.)

You could lose them to death, or whatever other absence they create. Al anon is a good thing. I was in a 12 step program 10 years ago and did have a spiritual awakening that has lasted, though not as strongly as I would like. But I'm reconnected to my Higher Power (sorry for the term if it bugs you, I usually say "God" b/c that is what my HP is to me... ANYHOW--yes the drinking/using is SELF MEDICATION for something bad, AND OR, is the only way they can feel anxiety free or what they perceive as happy. Pain of some sort, ( mine started out with a herniated disk, then dad's death and it got harder to tell which pain I was treating with the pain killers) is at the root of it. But regardless of what it is or whether they search it out and dig deep, etc. YOU have to protect your son from being in the car with her, or spending too much "drinking time" with her, whenever that is. Can he call you and have you get there fast enough if she binges? ALSO--even if you don't drink, the Hazelton (sp?) book of daily prayers (usually for the 12 stepper) was so helpful to me. Just thinking and praying every day, turning it over to God when it got too heavy. You can do that too. I did this past year with H and his MLC. Often I would just say out loud, "God, I turn the M over to you" or "God, please take this anger and pain from me." It does help. Also forgiving them out loud, like in the shower, maybe 100 times a day. They don't have to know it either. You are not doing it for them. You are doing it for your own sense of peace and well being AND it helps a lot to do it right before you know you'll have contact with them. I was Much calmer after I'd done some "exercises" like that before H would call to talk to me or the kids....

good luck to you both, and btw, don't believe "the lie". "The Lie" is that no one ever recovers from their addiction. Bull----. Most recovered alcoholics and addicts (crystal meth addiction might be the exception) relapse between 1 and 2 times before they stay sober for good. Usually after some benchmark was reached, (like 90 days, or 1 year, etc.) and they start to think maybe they can control it now.....

If you don't like the Al anon group, find another one. I had to search for a while. Face it, if you are essentially together and or educated, you'll feel out of place OR your wife/H will look comparatively normal compared to the guys who are bottoming out in some groups and have lost everything, or never had much, etc. FIND a group you can feel comfortable with and for God's sake, and yours, seek out the "winners" who have made it to the other side of this. It really helps so much to know life can be good again, and we can regain self respect, etc. I had a doctor and a lawyer in my group, (and some ex-cons who were really kind and helpful too, btw) and seeing their families helped me to understand H's views. And seeing what the doctor lost, financially, and the L, wow. I was lucky. I was pregnant and that changed my life....saved it really. God bless that little scrapper!
and God bless you guys, hang in there. What are your spouses like sober? (BTW, I have 8 siblings, and two of my brothers are like "dry alcoholics" who rant and rave like dad, only they haven't had a 12 pack...weird but common in children of alcoholics. BTW, see if you can find the books on Adult Children of Alcoholics b/c it'll help you with your kids. Not all the "victimology" applies, but some does.
j-