Thank you for your kind words. I like to think of myself as very caring. While I am sure there are times I have not shown it in the best way possible, I am really trying.
This all is just so hard and I know it is hard for my family and friends to watch me continue to want to be with someone who was not the kindest to me.
I think that is what makes all this hard. Seeing my XH was an outlet for my caring about him. I made the choice to stop talking to most family and friends about my XH 7 months ago. I made this choice because there were not able to understand that while one min. I would be talking about all the things he did to make me made and the next moment crying because I feel like I have lost him. They can't understand that range of emotions. How I can be so angry but so in love with him at the same time.
Seeing him allowed me to care for him and not get the negative feedback from my family and friends. Now without that outlet I want to talk about him but there is no one around to listen to him. No one who won't make me feel like crap for believning that he is just really confused and that he doesn't know what to do, think or feel right now. Now when I talk about this they all turn immediately to the "he is just doing this to hurt you. He has always done things like this. He knows you won't leave and so he does this just to be mean and made you upset." And that just tears me apart more. So I am stuck with this BB as my only outlet of anger/frustrationg toward the situation and my love for my XH.
I hope that makes some sense. I really want him to be happy. And it just breaks me heart that I couldn't help him find that happiness. I know I have shown him unconditional love, I just need to him to grow to the point where he thinks he is worth that love. And realize that people love each other and everyone gets hurt from time to time (he admits he did things that hurt me) but that doesn't mean that they aren't worth being loved. (How do you teach someone that who has grown up without it?)
