I've been away for a few days and I have to say I'm surprised by this turn of events. You were doing so well - and you knew you were doing all the right things - but you kind of sabotaged yourself. I look forward to hearing how the weekend went.
I'm not going to have a go at you - because I understand why you pressed him to take you - but I hope you do reflect on the way your behaviour, a lack of patience and a low capacity to accept no for an answer - may have infact spoiled a fantastic opportunity for you to redouble your DBing efforts.
It reminds me of some psychology I once read about impulsive personalities - the control group were children who were told that they could either have 2 chocolates (or some other sort of treat) now and that's all they could have, or they could have 8 chocolates if they waited 6 hours. About 20% of the children chose to have the 2 chocolates immediately because they didn't have the capacity in their personality to rationalise how much of a better deal they would get if they just waited 6 hours.
It's kind of like us (because I was exactly the same as you are), I knew that if I could just play by the rules I would get what I wanted and more eventually - but I wanted it immediately - and I was willing to take a compromise deal in order to meet that overwhelming need for immediate gratification. I rationalised it, had good reasons I told myself and everyone trying to help me, but ultimately as a trait it failed me. I hope it doesn't fail you.
You do need to find a therapist that's a good fit - but I wonder how much is about the fit of the therapist and the place you are at in being willing to face the tough questions she is asking you. In particular I noticed the second question (which I'm guessing she made you consider ....
Quote:
2.) Figure out WHY I want to stay with him.
The only comment I've got to make about the therapy issue is that it doesn't work if you are not facing the hard questions. You might not understand this yet, but the fact is we can't heal until we sincerely face and then get through, the pain that is associated with why we make the decisions we make. The harder and more unpleasant therapy is, the better we come out the other side.
She's not going to give you a free pass. She's not going to agree that everything is going to be OK. It's her job to go for the jugular.
Tam, if you want support to make as many mistakes on this journey as you want to, go to the Midlife Crisis board and commiserate with the people who chose to blame this deal on a crisis that their spouse is going through(absolutely no offence intended to those who's spouse is in MLC). If you want to learn and grow through this crisis, keep posting here and take the medicine - because there is a lot in this for you.
I really wish you well this weekend. I sincerely hope it works out and your husband is reminded of why family is important and what he's got to lose by stuffing around with his marriage.
I look forward to hearing how it goes.
Love and thoughts
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
