Will write more to you when we get back - I'm headed out now. Thank you all for the wonderful advice. God give me strength, me give me strength, and YOU all please send me strength to do a good job with this!!!
Sorry...I will wait till you return...I only hope this doesn't explode because this will set you back farther then where you were....
I really hope you can hold it together...I don't think you should be asking what to do IF he makes advances...I think you should be thinking if you can even handle that KNOWING when you come home he isn't going to be staying with you....
I think I would tend to just say....I am here as your friend and to visit with your parents...now lets get some sleep!
But then you do to us like you do to him...ask a million questions....reword them and ask them again...and then do what you want....I think you knew all along that you were going to try and force your way on this trip to parents...and I also believe that you have to admit to yourself that it is more then wanting to see their house or them...you are trying to control your husband...and he is bowing in.....and I will stop there...
So I hope it works out for you..but just know, like H...we can't keep bailing water out of ship with too many holes..
I am really really sorry I can't be more encouraging or positive then this....there are just too many red flags going up right now....take care!
Hello everyone, I have not been on here this week. I have been dealing with my own emotional baggage and I completely understand how 2940 feels. It is so hard to back off when you feel like your insides are going to fall out. My H and I had two discussions this week. I had been backed off then conversations come up. First of all Monday he admitted to me that he was missing me and that he loved me. He told me he thinks of me all the time and goes to sleep thinking about me. That he wakes up not knowing where he is sometimes. He said he didnt realize just how much he was going to miss me until I wasnt there. The kicker is that he is having trouble breaking free from OW. She goes back to work April 9th from her hysterectomy. I asked him if that was what he was waiting on. He said part of him thinks about it because he promised to see her through it. He told me last night that he thinks about coming home and he doesnt mean to give me false hope because he says things about missing me and that makes me think he is coming home the next day. I told him no I really needed to know you were missing me. He said it doesnt mean he isnt ever coming home he just cant right now. This next week is Spring Break so we will see how much effort he makes into spending time with his kids. I am tired of trying to get him to spend time with them. I am going back to just backing off and being nonchalant when he backs out of things. My friend has told me if he doesnt come spend time with them to say okay well enjoy your day the kids and I are going to such and such. It will be him feeling guilty he isnt here and he will miss us. He has to get to misssing us so much that he wants to break his addiction to this affair. I really do not understand the addiction he isnt living a better life. He is in a small dinky apartment. He doesnt have cable or internet. There isnt much money because he is leaving most of it for the kids and me. He told me that he is missing me so much that when he drives through the area where we used to live he thinks of us and misses me. I know I have got to be patient. Patiences is really going to be my friend and I know I have to let the OW drive him home. She is very needy, very demanding and bitches about him coming to see us all the time. She has been playing her surgery to the hilt and really milking it. It is amazing how a man when he is addicted to a situation will fall for crap. I have cried myself to sleep many times. I am so tired. I love him so very much and it is hard for me to understand why he isnt here when he loves me like he does. I know a part of it is his guilt keeping him away. I know that I have to be patient and let him work this out. Patience is so hard when I have been the patient one now for over 3 months going on 4 months. It has felt like a lifetime. I asked him do you see yourself with her 10 years from now he said no. The other day I said you dont know if that is where you will be 6 months from now he said i know that. I have talked to him and his mom has talked to him that if he cant be home that he is welcome to be at her place so he can think and get his head on straight. I have a feeling that he may just get OW well and back towork then go to his mothers. I have to sit back let this play out and that really sucks!!!!! Anyone that wants to email mine is slmom9598@yahoo.com It would be nice to talk to others that understand maybe through email or on messenger because it is more instant and the threads take so much longer. I am sorry if I have rambled on but I needed to do it.
Believe me...I understand what all this feels like because I was there for almost 2 years....My H is now back and after almost 3 years has finally said "I love you" to me again....on our 27th anniversary...
I went through crap...no I miss you's...he says that is a woman thing....no money for me and the kids when he was "gone"....he had a new BMW...an apartment by the beach....home theater system...cable...blackberry...you know, he had it all and I was struggling to put a roof over my kids heads...
I am still struggling because mentally he is not totally well yet of course he is not physically well either...and the two seem to go hand in hand....
Give you H space...it sounds like he is close...as long as he knows he has a home to come to he will be ok...also...good idea for him to break with OW and go to mom's for a bit...straight across isn't such a good idea....they need to get over "her" without complicating things with you...
You are absolutely correct about Tam. It's the old cliche... ...You can lead a horse to water - but you can't make him drink.
She was very obvious that she wanted to go on this trip...to post it on his desk calender, then wanting to leave it open on the day of the trip...it is her way of controlling the husband... thinking that "this trip" will solidify the marriage. Just like the last trip...but that backfired on her.
I also surmise, that she'll tire of her therapist because she will not be told, what Tam wants to hear...
Sometimes, people need to hit rock bottom and lose...before they are willing to learn.
I am afraid of the same thing....you know I see a lot of my self in her actions...but those are the things that right away I made sure I changed....at least in H's presence...THE ONE THING that H said he despised (to my absolute surprise) was my refusal to accept his answer....I would do as Tam did...keep on until I "wore him down"....when her H said he didn't want them to go she didn't accept his answer....when she got the answer she wanted she was happy....but I can bet he was not only angry inside but bitter...and thinking about how to get rid of this situation where HE is NOT ALLOWED TO BE HIMSELF!!!
Tam...I really hope you don't totally blow it...because if your H is anything like mine...this could be it...I know I pushed far less in a longer period of time then you have in a short period of time...and I can tell you that I came very close to losing my H for good....and not necessarily to the OW...which brings me to the comment that your H made about the OW...he said "no"she didn't mind at all...my feeling on that comment is that what she thinks doesn't matter to him which tells me the reason he is with her is because HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU!!!...I know that will sting but that is what happened to me...when H and OW broke up...he didn't come home for 15 more months!!!...so it was not the OW...it was ME!!!...that stings, I know, but you MUST realize that it is YOU dismantling your H's dignity...question by question...rephrase by rephrase....your way by your way...think how you would feel if EVERYTIME he asked you something and you gave an answer that you had to spend the next several minutes of your time reanswering....what a waste of YOUR OWN LIFE....that is how he feels...most likely
I can also bet that you aren't going to be able to avoid asking him if he will come home when you get back from parents...and I truly hope you don't have a melt down in front of them because as much as they care from you after H tells them that this is what he has been dealing with on a daily basis for years their perception and feelings for you will drastically change...and that can be harder to change then your own H's feelings about you and you know how hard that is...
I am sorry that I couldn't be more convincing....it makes me feel like I failed you....maybe I am not the one who needs to be encouraging you???
I would also hope that you stay with the therapist and take the sting...really really listen to what she has to say and what H has been trying to say....because I KNOW that is what changed things for me and H...I really LISTENED TO WHAT HE SAID HE WANTED...it wasn't easy for me...but I realized that what he wanted in me was what ANY MAN would want...no one wants to be micromanaged all the time...so I changed for ME!!!...and my H eventually saw that...and finally came home....he wouldn't be home if I had pushed my way into his life when he wanted to be free...if your aren't ready to let go...he might just get ready to let YOU GO FOREVER!!!....you both have talked about giving this a few months...you have very little time...my H told me it would be YEARS!!!...but I still had to prove myself...the clock is ticking...and no one here can help you any more then we have...and you have pretty much chosen to tell us we are right, you agree, but that we need to understand how raw your pain is and you aren't ready yet to listen...well, Tam...I will tell you that pain was raw in me for almost 3 years!!!!...I have not forgotten it...I will NEVER forget it....but I didn't wait for it to go away before I got myself on the right track...
When you REALLY ready to listen...I will be here...I am not abandoning you...I am just reserving my energy...I don't want to be taken advantage of...and I don't want to watch the ship sink before the captain(ess) finally decides it is time to repair!
I've been away for a few days and I have to say I'm surprised by this turn of events. You were doing so well - and you knew you were doing all the right things - but you kind of sabotaged yourself. I look forward to hearing how the weekend went.
I'm not going to have a go at you - because I understand why you pressed him to take you - but I hope you do reflect on the way your behaviour, a lack of patience and a low capacity to accept no for an answer - may have infact spoiled a fantastic opportunity for you to redouble your DBing efforts.
It reminds me of some psychology I once read about impulsive personalities - the control group were children who were told that they could either have 2 chocolates (or some other sort of treat) now and that's all they could have, or they could have 8 chocolates if they waited 6 hours. About 20% of the children chose to have the 2 chocolates immediately because they didn't have the capacity in their personality to rationalise how much of a better deal they would get if they just waited 6 hours.
It's kind of like us (because I was exactly the same as you are), I knew that if I could just play by the rules I would get what I wanted and more eventually - but I wanted it immediately - and I was willing to take a compromise deal in order to meet that overwhelming need for immediate gratification. I rationalised it, had good reasons I told myself and everyone trying to help me, but ultimately as a trait it failed me. I hope it doesn't fail you.
You do need to find a therapist that's a good fit - but I wonder how much is about the fit of the therapist and the place you are at in being willing to face the tough questions she is asking you. In particular I noticed the second question (which I'm guessing she made you consider ....
Quote:
2.) Figure out WHY I want to stay with him.
The only comment I've got to make about the therapy issue is that it doesn't work if you are not facing the hard questions. You might not understand this yet, but the fact is we can't heal until we sincerely face and then get through, the pain that is associated with why we make the decisions we make. The harder and more unpleasant therapy is, the better we come out the other side.
She's not going to give you a free pass. She's not going to agree that everything is going to be OK. It's her job to go for the jugular.
Tam, if you want support to make as many mistakes on this journey as you want to, go to the Midlife Crisis board and commiserate with the people who chose to blame this deal on a crisis that their spouse is going through(absolutely no offence intended to those who's spouse is in MLC). If you want to learn and grow through this crisis, keep posting here and take the medicine - because there is a lot in this for you.
I really wish you well this weekend. I sincerely hope it works out and your husband is reminded of why family is important and what he's got to lose by stuffing around with his marriage.
I look forward to hearing how it goes.
Love and thoughts
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Thanks for your advice, encouragement and tough love. We just got home late tonignt, and I am exhausted, so will fill you in more tomorrow on the details of our trip. As predicted, he did not stay home tonight - said he needed some think time and that he wouldn't be able to sleep until he checked on the job site... I asked if I could go with him to check on them, and he said he needs some alone time.... Whatever. I can't control what he does, so I'm just going to go get some rest now and see how tomorrow plays out.
Will fill you in more tomorrow but in the meantime just wanted to check in and say that as hard as it was sometimes to be there with him and his mom and dad, I'm glad that we went. My heart is torn in two still, but at the same time I feel like some progress was made....
Anyway, I'm exhausted - more later. Thanks you all for your concern and candor.
said he needed some think time and that he wouldn't be able to sleep until he checked on the job site... I asked if I could go with him to check on them, and he said he needs some alone time.... Whatever
Well glad you "feel" it went okay.....BUT you are still not respecting his feelings on things....he tells you that he needed time to think....and you ask to go along!....he is trying to be nice and respectful to you but you are pushing him to make decisions with your questions....these WILL and HAVE backfire(d) on you!!!
I will wait to see what happened....and hope for the best
