Valentines day massacre

[outtaluck]

She was out with OM today again...brought back some leftover clams...really is weird sharing the food that the OM bought for her...she really is sticking to "he's just a friend" but I know he must have other plans.

She does seem more open to me...like she would be with a friend...'cept a little more guarded, but its better than its been.

Don't get me wrong....its hard man, really hard, but I like talking and laughing with her more than just trying to be all aloof....even if we're joking about her OM.

She jokingly said that I could sing her lullabyes and massage her to sleep...and of course I did...but she always makes sure to remind me that she's shut down, and not to get my hopes up. I tell her I know, which I do, but its the least I could do for all the crap I put her through...

After reading the DB books, I kind of feel like I'm doing the wrong things here....but it feels right in the moment...just afterwards I have these doubts.

I look back on our years and I see so many ways that I screwed up and wasn't there for her like she needed me to be...to continue that in the way of detatchment seems wrong at this point....I don't know... Even if she is going through a MLC, I don't see how being a unavailable jerk is going to help things.

Actually for me this is a 180....I know she never expected me to be as acceping of this OM as I might seem...bet she expected me to freak out, call her a slut and everything. I simply explained that I can see how these things can happen, especially as I have been a fool. Told her to take her time and really figure what she wants instead of rushing into it because of our problems...especially that the guy is married. Don't think he's gonna leave his wife for you....I'm pretty sure this is just a game to him....I mean if he wasn't happy get out, right?

I got to trust that she knows what she's doing and try to be the guy she comes to when this fails...Auggh, I'm becoming the OM :-)

Yes...another incoherant babbling post by OL CHeers!