This is only what I would do and may be completely wrong for you, but when she comes over, I would sit here down and have a full open heart to heart, starting off with what you feel and leading into what clues you have seen in her in the past (like her music preference). Find out exactly what it is she is trying to find, how much has to do with her and how much with you.
She probably knows that much of her identity crisis is due to her own inability to assert herself. It would be hard for her to find herself while living with you, if she feels dominated by you. Note that how she feels has nothing to do with whether you think you exert any domination at all. But that might be her perception nonetheless.
How could my being too reliable or devoted have a negative effect on her?
What I was thinking at the time was your devotion to seeking your spirituality, pursuing your career, whatever it is you do. There is nothing wrong with that per se, but if she has been going along with it for all these years, maybe she did so because she thought that’s what a couple should do. So everything would seem blissful to you. What she may see is that you are too reliable and devoted to yourself and not sharing your gifts with her, or at least the gifts SHE wants.
But maybe she has come to realize she has different desires, like her taste in music. Have you ever asked her what interests she would like to develop? Have you offered to take a knitting class with her (gagg!.. just an extreme example.) I also notice no mention of kids. Do you have kids? Are they grown? Or can you two not have kids, or have you decided some time ago not to have any? That’s no small issue for a woman. Could this be the center of her self evaluation? You need to find out. She needs to tell you.
Thanks to all who have been providing guidance and advice, and philosophic leads. I will put aside my exploration of the spritual/philosophical side of the sitch for now, and focus on the things I need to do in this physical world at this time.
Stigmata wrote: I left the door open. Not much hope. But then, seven months after I left x did something amazing.... she gave big hints she made a terible mistake. I listened. I listened again. I waited for contrition.
I had her. She wanted to see if she could come through my cracked door. I wanted it to be. All that pain. all those months wanting her to call me and pour her heart out to me; that she loved me. But I guess she had more pride than that and only tentatively tested my waters. Bam. I kicked the door shut and nearly broke the frame.
I can sense your pain, reading these lines...I hope you don't mind if I ask:
Did you kick the door shut to reconciliation, because of disappointment and frustration that she wasn't truly following through on getting back together?
Was your "door kicking" so emphatic that you didn't get another chance? Or did you just move on with your own life at that point, because it would be too painful to continue being patient?
SHE ended your R dynamic, therefore all bets are off for newly single LG. You are on your own, my friend and accountable to no one, including her.
I was wondering how many left-behind spouses how found it effective to take off their wedding rings and indicate to the wavering walk-away spouse that there is a good chance they might lose their spouse for good, for real?
Thanks for your input Stigmata. I do think you could be very helpful to my situation.
Martelo wrote: Stigmata's post mirrors my experience almost exactly.
Martelo - I am not familiar with your story...did your spouse return to you after a separation? How many months did it take in your situation?
Cobra wrote: This is only what I would do and may be completely wrong for you, but when she comes over, I would sit here down and have a full open heart to heart, starting off with what you feel and leading into what clues you have seen in her in the past (like her music preference). Find out exactly what it is she is trying to find, how much has to do with her and how much with you.
I am going to try to do this when I see her on Tuesday. I truly desire her to be able to communicate to me what it is she wants in her life, that she may not have now, and what needs she has that I may have not been meeting. I have asked her this in various ways over the past weeks of MC, but still have not received any clear answers. Maybe she can express why she has not felt safe to express this too?
I also notice no mention of kids. Do you have kids? Are they grown? Or can you two not have kids, or have you decided some time ago not to have any? That's no small issue for a woman. Could this be the center of her self evaluation? You need to find out. She needs to tell you.
I always believed we would have a child eventually, but it was going to happen after we got our art-related business going, and this has still not fully materialized. However, my W has always been the one who was more hesitant to consider having children, and she has indicated that over the years, she was just not feeling any maternal desires or instincts kicking in. I respected that because I felt it was never the right time either. All of a sudden 19 years have gone by, and when we talked about this in the past couple of years, we agreed that adoption is an option that we might consider in the future.
I think her identity crisis relates more to her not feeling like an artist - not making much art, not learning to play electric bass, and not finding happiness in herself, as the mid-life alarm has been sounding.
I found this quote in Divorce Remedy, which I think really applies to this situation:
Unless you feel satisfied with your own life, you will not be able to determine whether your unhappiness stems from personal or relationship issues.
If you are someone considering divorce, I would strongly urge you to ask yourself whether you love what you do everyday. Are you on a path that is satisfying to you as an individual? If not, don't blame your partner, even though you might be tempted. If you aren't doing what you want to be doing, you have no one to blame but yourself.
If you feel you are off-course, you need to do something about it. Why not make those changes right now, while you are still in this marriage?
I probably should not have done this, but I e-mailed that quote to her, asking her to contemplate these lines before our next MC session. I felt this is a key point that I need to explore - is she blaming me for not doing what she wanted to be doing in her life, even though she never communicated this to me?
Me 46 WAW 45 M 21 yrs
WAW: "I need to be alone" 12/06 W moves out 3/07 Mediation finalized 08/08
I hope you can find some answers, but expect deflections and inconsistencies, not just because she is trying to deceived you, but because she does not know herself. Go with your intuitions and don't let deflections and excuses stand without at least a little questioning.
She thinks she can find her purpose and goal through this other man. Maybe she would feel so much more relieved, grateful, secure and happy if she could find it through you? I believe you have it in you to help her find this, but you've got to be sure that is what she wants, and somehow let her know you understand and are willing to help her. Make it empathic but not supplicating.
Your sitch is SOOOO much different from everyone here. I do not recall any mention of hard times, arguments, conflicting values, incompatible personalities - in short, there are no negatives. What seems to be lacking is a spark, the old excitement, the sense of life. Really, you are no different than any other couple except for one small fact. You have no kids. Any other couple on this board with as few problems as you would consider themselves to have an ideal marriage. The waning emotional bond between man and wife is bolstered by the connection with children.
Because you do not have that spark of youth, that sense of life that comes from hearing the pitter patter of little feet, your marriage seems to have gone dull, IMO. Not from too many negatives, but waning positives. Perhaps this is what your wife senses and is looking for.
Sell a message of hope and of a new future, her future, a future balanced between you two, where she can pursue her dreams, not a guilt ridden review of the past. Sell her something that will bring back that feeling of life and excitement, that sense of purpose. Sell her your excitement, here on this earth and in this plane.
