Harmonic Divergence

[Lord Grenville]

Thanks to all who have been providing guidance and advice, and philosophic leads. I will put aside my exploration of the spritual/philosophical side of the sitch for now, and focus on the things I need to do in this physical world at this time.

Stigmata wrote:
I left the door open. Not much hope. But then, seven months after I left x did something amazing.... she gave big hints she made a terible mistake. I listened. I listened again. I waited for contrition.

I had her. She wanted to see if she could come through my cracked door. I wanted it to be. All that pain. all those months wanting her to call me and pour her heart out to me; that she loved me. But I guess she had more pride than that and only tentatively tested my waters.
Bam. I kicked the door shut and nearly broke the frame.

I can sense your pain, reading these lines...I hope you don't mind if I ask:

Did you kick the door shut to reconciliation, because of disappointment and frustration that she wasn't truly following through on getting back together?

Was your "door kicking" so emphatic that you didn't get another chance? Or did you just move on with your own life at that point, because it would be too painful to continue being patient?


SHE ended your R dynamic, therefore all bets are off for newly single LG. You are on your own, my friend and accountable to no one, including her.

I was wondering how many left-behind spouses how found it effective to take off their wedding rings and indicate to the wavering walk-away spouse that there is a good chance they might lose their spouse for good, for real?

Thanks for your input Stigmata. I do think you could be very helpful to my situation.



Martelo wrote:
Stigmata's post mirrors my experience almost exactly.

Martelo - I am not familiar with your story...did your spouse return to you after a separation? How many months did it take in your situation?



Cobra wrote:
This is only what I would do and may be completely wrong for you, but when she comes over, I would sit here down and have a full open heart to heart, starting off with what you feel and leading into what clues you have seen in her in the past (like her music preference). Find out exactly what it is she is trying to find, how much has to do with her and how much with you.

I am going to try to do this when I see her on Tuesday. I truly desire her to be able to communicate to me what it is she wants in her life, that she may not have now, and what needs she has that I may have not been meeting. I have asked her this in various ways over the past weeks of MC, but still have not received any clear answers. Maybe she can express why she has not felt safe to express this too?

I also notice no mention of kids. Do you have kids? Are they grown? Or can you two not have kids, or have you decided some time ago not to have any? That's no small issue for a woman. Could this be the center of her self evaluation? You need to find out. She needs to tell you.

I always believed we would have a child eventually, but it was going to happen after we got our art-related business going, and this has still not fully materialized. However, my W has always been the one who was more hesitant to consider having children, and she has indicated that over the years, she was just not feeling any maternal desires or instincts kicking in. I respected that because I felt it was never the right time either. All of a sudden 19 years have gone by, and when we talked about this in the past couple of years, we agreed that adoption is an option that we might consider in the future.

I think her identity crisis relates more to her not feeling like an artist - not making much art, not learning to play electric bass, and not finding happiness in herself, as the mid-life alarm has been sounding.

I found this quote in Divorce Remedy, which I think really applies to this situation:

Unless you feel satisfied with your own life, you will not be able to determine whether your unhappiness stems from personal or relationship issues.

If you are someone considering divorce, I would strongly urge you to ask yourself whether you love what you do everyday. Are you on a path that is satisfying to you as an individual? If not, don't blame your partner, even though you might be tempted.
If you aren't doing what you want to be doing, you have no one to blame but yourself.

If you feel you are off-course, you need to do something about it. Why not make those changes right now, while you are still in this marriage?

I probably should not have done this, but I e-mailed that quote to her, asking her to contemplate these lines before our next MC session. I felt this is a key point that I need to explore - is she blaming me for not doing what she wanted to be doing in her life, even though she never communicated this to me?