Piecing together, or not?

[25yearsmlc]

Dear BND,

I understand exactly 100% of what you wrote and feel identical feelings. THAT is what has confused me all this time. I feel that H just wants to pick up where we/he left off and move forward and be " a better husband" (his words)....and that.... is... that.

I mean, this was not a weekend getaway he went on. This was not One bad choice. And it shook/cracked and damaged the FOUNDATION of my core and our M. It had tremendous impact on our older daughter and our son for sure. I also think d9 to a lesser extent (who can say who was the most hurt??) D17 said today she does not have "deep" discussions with H. I asked if it's b/c he doesn't bring them up or b/c she does not want to have them with him. She said, "both." Recall when she said she was "glad she no longer cares about" H? Ouch.

SO, conditions.....yep, I know what you mean. Yet we don't want to spoil the "now" moments by "dragging up the past" as H would say. But I really wonder wth conditions we can do anyhow. "Don't lie again", "Don't make secret decisions and ignore my wishes again"??? "No more Leaving"??!! Seems damn reasonable to me. But there are times that H gets mad at ME for any complaint or negative comment and says things like "Why should I feel guilty?" Later on he'll apologize and act normal again. But most of his apologies are dragged out of him or said begrudgingly.....that's how I take it anyhow. I think maybe I want him to "really really get what he did". But is that alright, and even if it is alright to want, how does one do it?

Right now, I just avoid R talks unless he brings them up. He does btw. But it's all lovey dovey without gratitude for me sticking this out. Just "looking ahead b/c we have a Great future....we're great together...."etc. Other times he brings up financial problems that we now have B/C of HIS choices....and it gets hard for me not to say "of course we're broke you idiot, you spent ALL of our savings!" But instead, I listen to him say "WE" have to cut here and there and "budget" and "plan" together....(Now there is a "we"). So there is a lot of anger holding me back and I have to lose it soon. Hence, venting here....

I also think the thing holding me back from just going up there to try it out, is that it felt like the last thing on earth I should do FOR him....b/c he'd been so selfish. But see, then that seems punitive. Not really forgiving. So here we are, swinging from one end to the other. Reconnecting in love and thanking God, and hating h the next minute, or at least not knowing who he is or why I loved him so much. He is a stranger to me in so many ways now. I think I'll follow your lead and not react to the people he brings up from the life of his I don't know. Also don't want to ask much about any OW, since I don't have much evidence of one and he denies it strongly, why pry?

I am not the same woman I was. I am a better woman b/c of this. Lately I have been backsliding in MY personal growth program, reverting to old ways of feeling like a victim of H's selfishness.....okay, I was a victim of his selfishness. But I do want closure in SOME form, and I want to live onward, no more looking back...
And I want my PMA back, the one I had when I really detached from all this.

Basically saying, everything you wrote has been inside of me, and in some ways holding me back. The sense of injustice makes me feel no real closure. I'm standing in the doorway and hoping the earthquake passes....if these mood swings are anything like menopause, bring on the drugs....
j-