I caught up on your posts. Sound like your pretty much in the same place as me. I had a really tough weekend at hoem, and am lwer that I've been in almost 3 months. Going home was awful, because your nose gets rubbed in it. I came back and went out with some Army friends for St. Pats's day. A few Guiness helped, but man, do I miss my old life. I know you get that, becasue I see a lot of me in your reaction to this whole thing, and your irrational wife reminds me of mine.
Mark...let me know what you really think about the book "Feeling Good"...my sister is telling me I really need to buy it....my H came home but even though he has been in his MLC for 5 1/2 years total...he was gone for almost 2 years of that...he is still having some pretty insane moments that are hitting me hard and making me feel a bit panicky inside...makes me wonder if I can live with him....when I felt I couldn't live without him...
I love him...that much I do know...just can't stand him too much at the moment...but I am trying...
Hang in there...as I said...I can relate a lot to what you are going through....as I work with special kids all day long...this actually helps me have more patients then I think I would normally have...makes me thankful for the things that are really good in my day...
Keep journaling...it does help...and please let me know what you think of the book! Lin
First, IML, see my thread under "piecing" and "God's will" etc, if you want some thoughts about being the LBSer and all the mixed emotions WE have when the WAS wanders back into our lives. I think one person posted that it is OUR form of MLC when the WAS returns. We've spent so much time wanting our R's with the WAS to work, that we forget some of the pain we felt for so long, and now when "the good times should be rolling", instead we find ourselves unexpectedly mad about something that pops up, or uncomfortable that the "routine" of our LBS lives, which we were Forced to create when the WAS left, is now being uprooted b/c they have returned. Also times where I find myself needing yet more reassurances from H that he doesn't totally get. Weirdly, I needed LESS in the past when he was gone in my mind and heart. I became more self reliant and I don't want to go backwards totally. Also, To my H, only some of what happened was "bad" and he seems to just want to move forward without addressing much of what happened. I'll try to catch up on your sitch later and post there if you can point me to your thread.
MARK, ouch for you. How is your son reacting to all this? Am I correct in assuming you only have one child? I am struck by your FIL's support for you getting custody. Wow, that is huge. If you can schedule a session or two with a DB coach, it'd be worth it. Where I live, (near Los Angeles) it actually costs more to talk to a therapist three times, than 3 sessions with a DB coach. I do both off and on and find both helpful, but my therapist is pro-M and that isn't so easy to find. ALSO, the DB coaches are specific with advice and that helps me a lot. Not just searching the past for clues, etc, but what to do NOW.... so even though money is an issue, it would be worth at least one time with a DB coach.
Is your wife in a 12 step program? In this state, a DUI is a BIG deal (no matter what Paris Hilton gets....) and I THINK some meetings are required for the charges to be reduced. Interesting that she didn't tell you.
What are your wife's complaints about YOU and your behavior? I know, I know this does not make them accurate or valid. But just so we all can assess what it is SHE SAYS is the problem. Because then you can actually do something about it. With the son, the great news is you have to have some contact with W, and yet if you are physically separated too, you have some space. See, I think if you lived together thru this whole thing, it's harder for her to notice changes you make, whereas if she sees you intermittently, it could be easier for her to note. I know this sucks big time. And as for her living with her mother, (knowing that she was reluctant to move there in light of the sexual advances from her stepdad, almost made me glad to hear of sex abuse, so how sad is THAT?) that cannot last. I mean, IF what she said really did happen, it'll happen again. And if your W is as unstable as she sounds, that could spell disaster... SO what do you do? Read the books, and take whatever DB advice that helps you, which I got from my coach. Here is what she advised me to do, and nearly all of it helped. 1) Listen like a lover. Meaning, when your w calls, be her friend about every topic EXCEPT the M. If she complains about finding a job, or gardening difficulties or your son's homework, whatever, just be there for her.
2) Re: R talk--Never be the one to bring it up. And do not challenge her views or perspective AT ALL. Do not argue about the M. If she starts revising the M again, which she already has done and seems like ALL the WASs do that, you still don't argue, per se. You can say you "recall things very differently", and or you are sorry if something that happened hurt her, you understand that she feels "that" way, etc. without agreeing with her. You can be her friend in this, without challenging it all. By challenging the choices she is making,you force her to defend them more. Let her have enough space and time to really dig deep and see what choices she should be making, and the damage she is causing. Obviously if she brings up an issue or view point that IS valid, then validate it to her. Like if you forgot her birthday one year and she says that's an example of how you don't care, blah blah blah, you can say how much you regret that mistake and that you hurt her. Assure her that in no way did that reflect your real feelings b/c you have always loved her, etc. You can also say, "If I could go back in time, I would do things differently" and that you are changing. Better yet, tell her you WILL do things differently in the future.
3) Lose the Anger in front of her. I KNOW HOW HARD THIS IS TO DO when you are being so deeply hurt. Believe us, we all know it's damn hard. Like Mother Teresa stuff. But anger at this point simply fuels her fire and validates her "need to leave" the M. So you have to counter her negative justifications with positive images of what could be, in your future, together as a family.
4) Keep the Road Home Paved and Smooth. Don't make it harder for her to change her mind and want to reconcile. How to do this? Well, how NOT to do it is by involving as many people as you are telling. Not all these people need to know and the more of them that do know, the more defensive your wife will be. And that does not help you. Plus, she has to know that on one hand, you are a great catch and only a fool would leave a man like you, but on the other hand, you have to show enough commitment that she is sure of your love. It's a tough balancing act, especially when it comes to detachment.
Hope some of this helps. Your wife has several issues but perhaps you have some too. If so, that is actually good news. You only have control over your behavior, so the more you can change it, the better your chances of her coming around.
Last but not least, why are you helping her move things? Maybe I'm confusing that part with someone else's, but I thought in some way you were helping the sep/Div move forward physically speaking. I would not do that. A D is Not what you want. Have you seen a L, just to know your rights? If you do that, I would keep it to myself. But you do have to protect yourself AND your son if she totally loses it and starts spending like a maniac. BTW, my H went thru six figures of our savings (what savings?) in the past 2 years and now we face some financial issues we should not be facing at this point in our lives. Yesterday he said something about him "F------ things up" and I didn't respond either way. Because although he DID do that, it does not help me or move me towards my ultimate goal, which is a GOOD M with H....but don't think I didn't want to chime in and say "You're damn right you F- things up...." I am a better woman for all of this, b/c just one year ago I would not have been able to keep my mouth shut at that moment. See?? (Nope, that doesn't make this all worth it....by a long shot).
So keep your eye on the ultimate goal and let THAT guide you when you are deciding things. Lashing out will not help you get there. And maybe involving others past a certain point won't either. Is she seeing a T? Hope she is. How about your son?
keep posting and sending good thoughts/hopes to you. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
"Milk Please" means nothing to you???? I think we can all come up with what it "REALLY" means....hmmmm, "Make love to me now!" "Martin Luther King Day should be national"??....
Hey j-, that comeback made me laugh, I appreciate it.
In the last month we actually have had lots of sane moments together. Unfortunately it’s the insane ones that have occurred that have set things back. I just hope that the time periods between the insane moments can be increased.
I read through your sitch. Sorry about the bad time at home. I miss my old life more than anything, but that was before our spouses checked out. I’ve been trying to face the fact that the old W is gone and do I want to be around what’s there now. It seems to be helping.
I had a heck of a bad dumping on by the wife, but actually I don’t feel too bad.
Although I have only read 5 chapters, I think the book, “Feeling Good” is right for me.
It’s a drug free approach, which is the only long term solution for me. The premise is to recognize and interrupt the broken record of negative thoughts and replace it.
I have certainly come to know insane, I’m sorry you have to look at it too.
My son has helped me when I’m down. He has his difficulties, but being able to cheer me up is not one of them.
I’ll try to answer your questions. My son is taking it Ok, when he’s around me I answer the questions he has and try to remove any feelings he may have that it’s something he’s done.
My wife was required by the state to go to AA meetings and other state mandated alcohol abuse classes. She went and filled the squares but felt that it did not apply to her.
My main stated complaint after our big fight on 20 December is that I have been depressed for several years and she has had to, “jolly me up.” I would say I have been depressed; I have let events in my profession get to me. I have been seeing a psychologist since the fight trying to get myself right. But the main reason for wanting a divorce is the fight of 20 December, she can not get over it, here’s exactly what happened.
In early December I woke up and it felt like I had been hit in the ribs with a hammer. I assumed it was just an ache associated with getting older. On December 20th my pension was officially terminated and handed over to the PBGC a pseudo government agency. My retirement will now be a fraction of what it was. And the pain in my ribs was still there. I looked on the net to try to find out what it was. My self diagnosis was an inflammation of the sac encasing the lungs. It said it was probably viral, if not that then it could be a cancer. I tried to talk to W that morning about it but she was busy and blew me off.
Later that night she brought it up. And I told her that it was probably viral but if it was the other thing (cancer) I would rather just go than be treated (being butchered in a hospital was what was going through my mind). Her response was that I should get more life insurance. This upset me and my response was that her spending has prevented us from saving for a rainy day when I’m alive so why should I care what happens to her when I’m dead. And a fight was on.
I thought it was over by the time we went to bed, but the next morning she came to me saying that her suggestion that I come up with a budget for her was met with skepticism. This reignited the fight and it was becoming worse. She accused me of ruining Christmas and implied my son did not like me. She also began to take down Christmas decorations since, “I had ruined Christmas”. She also said she should put all the Christmas stuff on the brush pile and I should burn it. This angered me and I had to leave the house before I lost my temper and made things worse.
I left the house and went over to care for my mother. As I was leaving I saw she had put some Christmas decorations in the burning barrel. I came home a few hours later hoping she had cooled down. It was not the case. She had taken a nap and awoke madder than before, in a complete rage. My son and I were sitting in the living room and she grabbed a Christmas present and gave it to my son and told him to open it since I had ruined Christmas. She continued on a rampage and again I thought I should leave and let her cool down. I got my gym bag and left to go to the YMCA. When I left this time the fire had been lit in the burning barrel. After driving about fifteen minutes I felt guilty for leaving my son with my wife who had lost control. I was also very mad. I turned around and went home. When I arrived home I felt I had to stop the escalation before things went really bad. W was as mad as ever and I asked her to stop. She refused and I called the police.
The police came and I told him we had been fighting all day and that W was burning Christmas decorations and presents (I was wrong about presents she did not burn any of those). I also told the officer that I wanted the fight to stop before it went too far. W calmed down immediately and called my sister to come over. The officer did not want to leave for fear he would be called back, so I told him I would leave until my sister arrived. He agreed, I left and so did he. I returned about 30 minutes later and my sister was there. W came down and was calm and now said that was it, that was the final straw, the end of our marriage.
I have apologized many times for calling the police, but frankly things had become insane that night and I did not know how to stop the escalation. I wonder where it would have gone if I had not. What if I had lost it as well that night? But my wife can not forgive that act.
Thanks for all the advice, I have tried to do the things you have mentioned but I have not been perfect.
I have not helped the W move anything; it must be someone else’s sitch.
Today I had expected to meet my wife at my sisters for a mediated discussion. I called my sister this morning to see what time she wanted me to come over. My sister said my W had called her and said it would be better if we waited a while to do it to allow me to get over her abuse on Thursday night.
In the early afternoon the W called me wanting to discuss scheduling info. She sounded like my normal wife, whatever demon was there the other night was gone today. She discussed her appointments and wanted to know mine, after telling me the other night she did not want to know what I was doing and she was not going to tell me. Then she asked me to come over and pick up my son after school tomorrow and help with homework. She also asked about my mother and her problems and I talked about what I was doing. She then joked about me becoming a good nurse. So again whatever possessed her the other night was not there today.
I did not get excited about her turn around today, I have seen it before. I think I have moved forward a small amount. My wife’s anger and hate on Thursday night have changed my perspective a little. I realized that on Thursday she either had been drinking and drove home after drinking, which I can not accept or she was completely sober and let loose that hatred while sober, which I do not want either. So I realize I do not want at least where she is now, that has helped me detach at least a little more than anything else. I want a good marriage and my wife has to get out and stay out of the place she was on Thursday, hopefully she will.
I then went to the gym and worked out hard. I got a good endorphin rush from the workout and next I had a good meal at a Mexican restaurant. Altogether today’s events have left me pretty calm. I hope I can maintain it.
H doesn't drink anymore but with diabetes and his blood sugars going up and down more then they should he can get rather irrational...and it drives me crazy...I have to bite my tongue...especially when he says it is me who is a mess and that the kids agree....we have two adult daughters that live with us and they don't want to take sides but clearly say their dad is crazy....
I don't want to be right...I just want to be treated right and respected...I don't think that is happening...he gets down right disrespectful to me and my 11 year old son patterns him at times...this really burns me because my daughters were never allowed to be disrespectful to me...
Well it sounds like you are holding on well...the ride is wild and I only wish the best for you...keep journaling...
I can imagine the problems you face if your H does not adequately manage his blood sugar. My wife’s stepfather is an insulin dependent diabetic who does not manage his blood sugar properly and an alcoholic, he came onto my wife sexually last summer so something is really screwing his head up.
I agree respect is very important. It is a cornerstone of a good relationship.
The only thing I can suggest with your son is try to be a good role model and make sure he understands right and wrong when it comes to relating people. As he grows up his eyes will open.
