Last but not least, I read somewhere about LBSers having MLCs of their own later on. I know I'll never give myself a label that justifies doing lousy things. But I think we LBSers do focus so much and so long on reconciling with WASs, we overlook the other things going on within. Like for one, when the WAS is gone and we don't know what the hell is going to happen, many of us GAL and start moving forward as if the WAS is not coming back. There starts to be an awareness that Not ALL things are bad without WASs there. In fact, we start to see the upside of making choices without having to think of our partners wants, or someone else's needs, etc. We start doing things we always wanted to do, pursuing new interests or old ones we had cast aside b/c we had new duties and had to care for our families, accomodate the spouses needs, or somehow had just let slide, erc. WE change. WE grow.
J, It is all very different and I presume everyone goes through their own different issues.
I think that there are times when I ask myself what the hell I am doing. Not because I don't love my Husband, but because I didn't make any conditions or require anything of him.
Actually I did make one request. I asked that for the first year he is home that nobody, including his Mother or mine would be allowed to come and visit. He agreed.
He is not the same man that walked out of my front door, he is different and in some ways better. I have not asked questions, and when he shares bits and pieces, I listen or I may say "how did that make you feel"?
The thing that gets to me at times is that he doesn't really understand the full extent of what happened to our family or the damage that was done to me or the kids.
It is not my place right now to tell him, I want him to take things slowly, when he is ready emotionally. I have changed alot. I am more easy going and less neurotic. I am no longer riding everyone's arse and being the task master. I am learning to let things go as much as I can.
I guess one of the biggest things that goes through my head is the reality of things. I was supposed to be the most important person in his life and the fact that he really did leave me and act as if he didn't care about me or the kids or worry about what would happen to us.
I sometimes think that maybe it should be my turn now to be free. Maybe I should get on a plane and go find myself. To be carefree and spend money frivolously and act like a teenager.
Could I ever walk out of the door and not look back? Sometimes I think I could but there is strong sense of responsibility and moral fibre in my being that prevents me from taking these thoughts to the next level.
From what I understand all of the things that go through my head are perfectly normal.
I try to look at this whole MLCBS as a season in my life that is basically over and a new season is begining.
Hope that made a little sense to you.
((((Faith))))
By the way, the book you were asking about is called How Can I Forgive You?
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
